Important context to establish:
1. We have never engaged in penetrative sex. Only handjob and fingering. I have never cum in her presence. She is worried that the precum that may have contained sperm stuck to my fingers when I touched her.
2. We have not touched since five months ago. She has been worrying since then, thinking that she is pregnant.
3. She is from a strongly conservative family.
4. I am her first sexual partner.
5. She is completely regular on her periods (5 months regular).
6. She doesn’t want to go through a pregnancy test.
7. She does not have anyone else to open up to regarding this pregnancy scare as she wants to keep her sexual life hidden from literally everyone.
I’m getting frustrated about this, but I just want to be a supportive and understanding partner. I put space between us for now, as my patience is reaching its limit. It frustrates me that she’s not taking any action to help herself go through this, and all she’s doing is reading selectively: “rare but could happen” “never 0% chance” “possible periods during pregnancy”; basically the equivalent of believing in a cancer diagnosis from having a headache. It would be nice to hear a woman’s perspective on things. I understand that pregnancy scares are a serious matter. We communicate extremely well, but she has been keeping this from me until tonight. It’s possible that I may have not responded well during the first few months of this scare. I badly need ideas on how to be better.
Edit: Additional context, we’re in our 20s. We’ve only met in our 20s as well.
27 comments
Even if everything happened exactly perfect for a pregnancy to happen, the chance of conception is only 25%. She’s not pregnant if no semen ever made it’s way inside her and she’s been having consistent menstruation for the past 5 months.
You both need to educate yourself so this isn’t a repetitive cycle.
It sounds like your girlfriend is having some issues around engaging in sexual activity. This isn’t surprising considering her upbringing but it is definitely coloring her actions right now into the irrational.
There’s no way she’s pregnant. You know this. Everyone reading this knows this. I think even she knows this, but that’s not the issue here. A talk is in order here to see if she’s comfortable or uncomfortable with what you do together sexually and there’s a good chance she’s not.
It may be that she’s just not going to be OK with any sexual activity until she’s married and she needs to be respected in that, even if it means you don’t want to be with her anymore. But it’s a conversation you need to have.
Some people are very afraid of getting pregnant, even if there’s no way it might have happened. It’s a delusion that can be caused by trauma or mental illness (anxiety, mood disorders and schizophrenia are common for this).
I have had similar delusions in the past, due to trauma. I bought pregnancy tests and didn’t believe them, and spent way too much money buying more. That being said, it is important to tell her that she needs to see a doctor and/or get a pregnancy test regardless. You can frame this as for her health and safety and so both of you can prepare if there is a child
She might be recommended to see a psychiatrist. If it’s a delusion caused by mental illness an antipsychotic or antidepressant might work, as well as therapy where she can talk about this. There could be underlying issues, such as religious trauma, or even sexual assault.
Continue to talk to her about this. This is a scary thing to go through and it is distressing and hard to shake. I understand how it is frustrating, especially if she takes no action to confirm this.
Kudos for you for being communicative. Keep this up, and I hope all goes well for you
Hi, this might be tokophobia – the fear of getting pregnant. I have it as well. It’s difficult to live with, and partners can help trendemously by being patient.
You think she cheated on you w/ someone else? She might be pregnant with some other guys kids and is setting you up.
Definitely some mental health issues, all these added together are going to make some issues trying to be in a relationship.
I’d have a talk about what this is all about. And if she truly just wants to wait for marriage. And if that’s the thing you’ll have to accept it.
I’m leaning towards the first one and either some strange trauma or was given some warped perception growing up.
Being in your 20s, not wanting a pregnancy test, 5 months of periods all in combined just shows something is off. Not saying she “deranged” or anything negative but she’ll have to get this figured out at some point in her life.
Can she get to a clinic like Planned Parenthood? They would be able to educate and reassure her and hopefully provide her with counseling.
Okay this is a weird one and it sounds like she needs some kind of help to deal with these issues overall but in the case of the pregnancy I would revisit having her take a test but come at it from a place of support if she is pregnant. Maybe even buy the test yourself and meet up with her and make sure you don’t just stress that you don’t think she’s pregnant, but that you’d be there for her if she was. Make sure she knows you’re there for her and the possible baby, that you would be by her side, help her out however she needed it, and that you guys are in this together and it’s not just her. Hopefully easing her fears on this would get her to be more likely to take the test and once that comes back negative and her immediate fears are put to rest you can try to talk to her about some of her more irrational fears surrounding sex/pregnancy.
Tell her to stop torturing herself and just get an appointment with her obgyn, where she can get real medical advice and even birth control.
She’s got issues.
Growing up in a conservative environment makes women think pregnancy is the boogie man and having sex much less any pleasure sexually is akin to beating kittens. You are essentially waiting to be caught by family or g*d and be zapped by lightning for your crimes.
Your girlfriend needs therapy as many have said. You can try to talk to her but I’m going to guess opening up isn’t easy for her. You’ve been supportive it seems but this really is all in her mind and honestly she probably doesn’t value herself too much (women aren’t valued in that culture, they are sex prizes for men trained to be obedient and subservient).
I think a friend from a similar environment who got away would be helpful for her as well.
Definitely has some real mental health problems going on here, bordering on delusion. She needs professional help to process this and get healthy again, and it’s not something that you personally can fix.
She clearly is having intense phobia.
1. Reassure her that she doesn’t need to ever have sex with you until she’s ready, including the things she did that you don’t do any more. She may be scared of sex and projecting it onto fear of pregnancy.
2. Offer to buy her a pregnancy test. Say ” I think based on your recent periods and the fact it’s been 5 months, there’s very little risk, but I understand why you’re scared. I can go buy you a pregnancy test so you don’t need to be afraid of someone seeing you, and I’ll do it [x number of towns away] so no one will know me. Then you can know for sure.”
It sounds like she doesn’t want to risk getting pregnant anymore. It really is up to her whether she wants sexual contact or not. She’s obviously being overly cautious, but if that’s what makes her feel safe, then that’s her choice. A pregnancy test will tell her that she’s not pregnant right now, but it won’t help her in the future. Most of us women just accept the fact that nothing is 100%. Where I live, abortion is decriminalised and socially acceptable. I don’t know if I’d go through with one, but knowing that it’s an option makes having a sex life much easier.
I grew up in an extremely conservative religious environment (kissing/hugging/even holding hands before marriage was frowned upon, etc.). One thing that shocked me after I left, was how much I’d been lied to about. One big thing was pregnancy.
“Sexual purity” is a ridiculously huge issue in that circle. One incredibly sweet girl was r*ped and was immediately treated differently and blamed for wearing tight jeans with her hoodie. My mom was so terrified about me not remaining pure, that she did everything she could to prevent me talking to a single guy, from the boy 4 years younger than me, who I dared talk to at church to her own brother, who had a daughter my age and was not remotely a creepy uncle. Pregnancy was commonly used as a big scare tactic to threaten girls. This wasn’t a good enough threat though, since you can still have all sorts of fun or use condoms to avoid getting pregnant, so girls were lied to about how they could get pregnant. Anything true, such as condoms occasionally failing, was exaggerated extremely and I was left to think that basically any contact with a guy would result in a baby (obviously abortion was off the table) and had no idea what was actually involved in conception.
Considering your partner’s background, I would guess she is struggling with multiple issues here. Overcoming years of deception or misconceptions of pregnancy is probably one. Guilt regarding premarital sex, even if she doesn’t want to feel guilt, is probably another. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has general anxiety or other issues stemming from breaking away from how she was brought up. Even when I was desperate to break away, it was incredibly difficult and left me extremely confused and anxious.
The environment I grew up in also strongly derided therapy as not just useless but scummy and predatory. Therapy could be a very very long road for her to open up to. Perhaps you could encourage her to look into support groups or other women who have left the extreme conservative environment she grew up in (perhaps the faith, if that’s what you mean) and would be able to share their stories and help her sort through her feelings?
Your poor partner. If she was raised as I was, it’s not really her fault that she is thinking irrationally about pregnancy. That was the whole point of what I was taught – to confuse and terrify young girls.
Sounds like she needs to read a book and sexual reproduction. Hopefully, education will set her free.
She’s clearly going through an emotionally traumatic time. It’s understandable that she’s overwhelmed, and it’s also understandable that you are overwhelmed by this too. This isn’t going to start to get better until you 100% answer the question. And yes, we all know here she isn’t pregnant, but she is going to need to see a test in order to start moving forward. It’s more than reasonable that you ask her to take a test.
As others noted, she may be projecting some concerns about her sexual activity. She might be dealing with some regret. She might not want to continue sexual activity and is using this (maybe consciously, maybe subconsciously) to not have to address that.
If I were in your shoes, I’d fairly request that she take a pregnancy test immediately, while also noting that all sexual activity can remain on the shelf for a bit.
“Hey, GF. Let’s talk about you concerns about being pregnant. It’s got you really stressed out, and me really stressed out. I think it’s time you take a pregnancy test. If you are pregnant, as hard as it would be, we would want to make sure to start getting you (and possibly the child) the health care you need.
I’m not sure if any of this has to do with your concern over the sexual activity we’ve had up to then. We can continue to hold off on that that for now, no matter what the test says, and talk about what you feel comfortable with going forward. I respect what you need and what you are comfortable with, but we need to be honest with each other about those feelings.
In the immediate, we cannot wait any longer on this. I bought a home pregnancy test, and if you take it, we can both start to talk about what comes next. If you aren’t willing to find out if you are pregnant or not, I’m not sure how I supposed to support you, and I’m not sure that I can, as not knowing is weighing incredibly heavy on me. I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s frustrating and scary, and I just need to know what is really happening.”
For your sake, I recommend you break up. She has issues she needs to deal with alone before she can ever be a good partner to you. And you’re far too young to have to go through something that can jade your view on relationships for the rest of your life.
I mean, just tell her she either cheated or got artificial insemination.. Cause what you did sure as hell didn’t make her pregnant.. Could be aliens too I guess
I think that is not possible that she is pregnant but i sometimes also think i am when theres no posibility the only way to know is a test
While *technically* its possible to get pregnant on pre-ejaculate via fingers, the odds are pretty low.
And again, yes she *could* have a cryptic pregnancy and be 5/6 months pregnant, its pretty rare.
Clearly she has anxiety over becoming pregnant and is focusing on the tiniest risk that she could be. She needs to seek help, because this will be an ongoing issue. No contraception is 100% effective, so even if you use condoms and she goes on the pill, she will still worry the pill didn’t work and the condom didn’t either.
Why didn’t you just say girlfriend
Honestly, you are not competible.
Sex and intimacy are very important and unreasonable religious beliefs can ruin any relationship. I have seen it happen.
Don’t end up like me in the Deadberoom sub.
People need to be competible: emotionally and sexually.
She is all fucked up in a way that you can’t help. Get away. Leave. Run. Do not look back. She is sick and will make senseless drama in your life if you allow her to be close to you. Run now. Clean break. Do not squander your life.
Tell her to get the birth control shot the two year one.
She also needs to talk to ger doctor about sex. And her fears.
What is her reason for not getting a pregnancy test?
I know that saying “she’s insane” is not actually helpful. Honestly I feel sorry for her as it seems like a major lack of reproductive education as well as intense anxiety. Immediate issue, helping her know that she’s not actually pregnant right now. Has she even taken a pregnancy test? If she doesn’t trust on OTC test she can get a blood test at the doctor.
Then as others have mentioned, therapy and learn how reproduction actually works. Also real discussions on what she’s comfortable with physically before marriage, and the decision if that’s acceptable to you or a deal breaker.