My boyfriend (20) recently expressed that he feels as though I don’t initiate sex a lot, and that the onus is always on him. At first I got defensive, but realized that I’m often too reserved to make the first move. I get in my head a lot about whether any time is the right time – what if he’s actually busy with something? Or not in the mood? Or tired?
I’d love to find some ways I can get less anxious over initiating, and creative ways to get him going when I do.
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It usually doesn’t take much to get a guy in the mood. If my fiancé grabs my hand and pulls me to the bedroom, I know what she wants pretty quickly. If she leans over on the couch and says “I want you inside me”, it’s pretty clear what she wants.
The key here is that men are not mind readers, we need more direct communication. Don’t HINT at it….if she says “I want your big hot meat right now!” I might go to the kitchen and cook some steaks up for dinner.
Now, you grab my dick and pull it out while we are watching TV, and I am going to be pretty sure that you don’t want me to go get you some ice cream.
Well, what are the roots of your reservations? Are they things that can be overcome with time and confidence?
As long as you both care for one another and are attracted to one another, all you really need to do is connect. Rub his shoulders, test out if he is in the mood for contact, let him know how hot he is, kiss him, et cetera. I’ve had male partners that considered it to be me initiating if I was wearing lingerie. There are ways to test the waters if you are afraid of timing.
Good luck! 🙂
Well you said it’s because you don’t know if he is busy, or not in the mood, or tired. But he just very clearly said that he wants you to do it more. So those times, he probably wasn’t busy, or tired. He wants you to initiate. You need to get out of your head and do it or you’ll be left with a boyfriend who feels unwanted and it will hurt your relationship.
Are you physically affectionate?
You can show you love him and it might lead to sex or it might not.
Unless he expects you to seduce him or be dominant or something.
He’s actively wanting sex with you and actively asking you to initiate. There are probably no wrong times. Don’t over think it. You are both adults wanting and willing to have sex. So just use your words or actions so its obvious what you want.
Perhaps his love language is touch and sex is like a bigger deal to him than it is to you, which is fine. There are ways to navigate that by offering head and back scratches, cuddle time, or holding hands. This can still give him the good feels and help you warm up to the idea of initiating.
In all honesty, it doesn’t have to be some big deal, you can lessen the anxiety – just make it obvious that you are in the mood. Rub his leg and move up slowly. I know my SO with wear something (or nothing) and make sure I notice. She may just come out to the living room naked and sit on the couch reading a book, or doing something else in the house. If you normally wear PJs to bed, come to bed naked. If he is in the mood, that lets him know it is there if he wants it, and you don’t have to really express anything a great deal, if that is what gives you anxiety.