So I would just like some perspective on this. For some context growing up my mum gained a habit of not really considering my feelings since I was a quiet kid who was easy to ignore, in comparison to my louder sister. My birthday is coming up in a week and my older brother has had his birthday at the beginning of the month, and my mum would like to celebrate both together by going out to a restaurent with my 2 older brothers, their SOs, their kids and their dad (we are half siblings). The thing is, the age gap between me and my brothers is quite large (15 and 11) so we never really developed a proper sibling bond leading to me not rly feeling all that familiar with them. I don’t know their SOs at all and also their dad being there feels pretty awkward for me since Ive been no contact with my own dad for over 10 years. To make matters worse I just got rejected by and had to say goodbye to someone I had pretty strong feelings for so it feels even worse to sit there as the only single sibling. Of course when I voice my feelings of not being that excited to celebrate my birthday that way my mum tells me “it’s only one time a year!”, but I would like celebrating my birthday to be a happy occasion for me not an uncomfortable one… Am I the unreasonable one here?
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“It’s once a year. It’s the one day every year that is supposed to be *my* day. And I would like it to be a day I actually enjoy and want to remember. You’re welcome to go to dinner with them, but do not expect me to join you.”
>Of course when I voice my feelings of not being that excited to celebrate my birthday
Assuming this is the kind of vibe that you delivered to your Mum it’s probably not going to drive the point home. A more deliberate response that’s specific would do better. Doesn’t have to be rude or anything, can even start with “Hey Mum, I love you and thank you so much for thinking of me but….”
If you’ve not properly laid things down yet, then definitely now is the time to do it. No idea what your Mum is like, she might just be in the mindset of “Bringing everyone together and doing nice things.” Or maybe she isn’t, maybe this is some cold weaponisation…. but nothing is coming across in the text either way to be honest.
Either way, you’re allowed to lay out how you’d like to spend your birthday celebrations, even if that means sitting at home chilling by yourself and playing Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow on your GBA. (… ahem, that may have been me during lockdown when I couldn’t see anyone, I regret nothing.)
There might come a day, say 10 years from now, when you miss her and things she did like this. Yeah, it’s your special day…but she spent 9 months carrying you and 18 years raising you after that. You can’t find an hour or two in an evening to suck it up, put on your smiley face, and take one for the team? Might say more about you than her.
You tell her again. And when she says “it’s only one time a year “ you say, exactly, MY Birthday is just once a year, and I would like to celebrate it how I want to. If you continue with this plan, I will not be attending, and will ensure everyone knows exactly why I am not attending.
Then you proceed to tell everyone that your mother refuses to acknowledge you, is only celebrating “your” birthday because she wants to spend time and celebrate her older children and their father, people who you either do not know, or do not have a relationship with.
You then go NC with your mother. You don’t need her in your life if she’s not going to respect you enough to treat you as a person.