I went to high school in 2020. I always had issues with shyness, but I managed to make some friends. Then the pandemic arrived, and we had to study from home. With that, there were some arguments between some of my friends, and we broke up into a group of three (because it was three of us “against” the other three \[we were six\]).
The three of us shared a lot of secrets and liked each other a lot, but sometimes I had arguments with them that made us not speak for a few days. And we stayed like that, in this unstable friendship. But I didn’t have anyone else, so all I had left was to stay with them, no matter how bad it was.
However, when classes returned in person, things got infinitely worse. Even though I’m only 17, I’m suffering from male pattern baldness (my hairline has receded a lot in the last few months, which makes it even more noticeable), which I didn’t have until a few months ago, and I also have bipolar affective disorder. The former has been the subject of countless jokes since the problem arose, and this same problem has led me to a very severe state of depression, which gets worse when I hear the jokes.
But the problem is that this joke is usually from a person who sometimes REALLY seems like a friendly person. I trust them enough to share my secrets, and when I talk to them, I feel good and we laugh a lot. That same well-being I get when I talk to them soon turns into pure hate/anger and anguish, of the deepest kinds there are. Partly because of the jokes and partly because this person ignores me when he’s with other colleagues.
What bothers me the most, however, is my way of reacting to all this and their behavior. As much as I spend the whole day thinking about how despicable that person is, I know I’ll be there, laughing, as if nothing had happened. At the same time, I know that I only stay because there is no one else I can talk to during recess, for example. And I really can’t find any friends anymore, it’s VERY hard for me. I’ve actually already found some, but they ended up becoming friends with that person I hate, too, so it was in vain.
I hate to be writing this, because I never imagined I would get to this situation of not knowing what to do.
Be honest, what do you think I should do? Walk away and deal with loneliness? Because I really feel like I can’t stay anymore, but it’s really hard to leave when you have nowhere to go.
(English isn’t my first language, so I had to use Google Translator. Sorry for any mistakes. In case you don’t understand something, please let me know.)
tl;dr: Friendship with ups and downs leaving me confused and hateful, but I don’t have anyone else and I’ve got an extremely difficult time finding new friends. What should I do?