So I’m a guy in my late 30s. I’m happily married, kids, house, etc. I’m tertiary educated and had a couple of different careers. I’ve travelled, I’ve pursued interests, and I’ve developed myself as a person.
The thing is I don’t really get enjoyment out of much these days. That rush of excitement I would get from doing something I enjoyed isn’t there anymore. Some things I would find enjoyment in would be from simple things like food, hanging out with friends, having fun with my wife; it could have been sex stuff, and I’ve been able to explore my sexuality with myself, my wife, and in the last few years otherwise as we’ve had some very honest conversations; I’ve pursued some big life goals like big extended adventures abroad, an off-grid project, and some other things; and I got right into outdoor adventure stuff life hiking, UL camping, rock climbing, and whatnot.
None of these things really get me going like they used to. I feel like I’ve done all of the “things” (education, relationship, family, career, financial, personal, and recreational) and that there’s nothing really left for me to do. All of life’s accomplishments have been done, not in a check-list kind of way, but in doing some reflecting I realised most of life’s big decisions and accomplishments have already happened.
I say this as someone who has truly pushed themselves. I’ve travelled solo and put myself in some weird situations that have challenged me. I’ve built a tiny house from scratch, pretty much by myself, with no experience, and taught myself the skills required. My marriage with my wife has been through some big things and we’ve emerged so strong and loving together. I’ve embraced my sexuality as a bisexual guy, addressed my internalised issues, broached it with my wife, this has lead to me and us challenging our relationship with sex and sexuality, and I’ve since pushed myself in this department. I’ve hiked solo in remote places, I’ve learnt to rock climb, and I’ve pushed myself physically and mentally in challenging situations in the outdoors. I could go on…
At the end of doing all of this stuff; all of the personal, professional, interpersonal, “spiritual”, and physical things; I don’t feel like I have much to look forward to anymore, and the greatest hits from what I’ve already done don’t elicit the same response as when I first did them. I don’t really enjoy them much anymore. Not in the sense of not liking them, but I’m just indifferent and a little bored by them.
So I guess what I’m asking is what am I supposed to do to enjoy my time here? Why bother getting up in the morning? (because I genuinely don’t feel like it, and sometimes don’t) Has anyone got their spark back, and how?
(tagged as “mental health” but I have no idea what to tag it as tbh…)
40 comments
Welp I guess you have to watch WWII documentaries until you die. That’s my trajectory.
Honestly man, my passion is people. I have the same, but it completely satisfies me. I’m 36. Happily married and 2 kids and all that. Taking care of them and investing in them as human beings keeps me busy. But, like I said, people are my passion.
Investing in THEIR trajectory is MY motivation.
Maybe its time to enjoy a slower life and not focus so much on goals and accomplishments, we’re just random beings existing on a rock floating through space, do whatever you feel like each day
Throwing this out there, possible you may be experiencing depressive symptoms?
Sounds a lot how i felt the past 6 months, burnt out from work and couldnt find joy or interest in anything
Talked to a doctor at my wifes suggestion and started meds for the first time ever and they have helped a ton, I get excited for things again and rediscovered my passion for my career
Idk if you’ve been infected with covid the last couple years, studies are showing it can trigger depression/anxiety even in people who never had issues with that stuff before
Best of luck on your journey friend
P.S. as a fellow married bi guy, glad you’ve gotten to embrace and explore that side of yourself, non-monogamy can be a whole new scary and exciting journey
Have you considered golf?
Just kidding, great way to ruin a perfectly good walk.
Take up golf.
The best way to find oneself is in the service of others. Maybe use all that advantaged to help other people.
Just be here now
It’s been all about you. You have what billions of people dream of. Now it’s time for you to share. Give to others so they can reach their dreams too. It’ll be so fulfilling for you.
Two things come to mind:
One: have you considered hallucinogenics? Maybe explore your inner self, push the limits of what you can feel physically. Fuck what it does to people; you’re at the “end of the board game”, so what does it matter now?
Two: find something that makes you happy every day. Do the thing that makes you happy every day. Repeat.
Three: rules were meant to be broken. You are living your life according to a script, a path of Beginning to End, with achievements along the way.
Time to improvise.
Make your own rules.
Find happiness–and I really, truly mean to go out searching for it, even if “go out” means staying in. Remember, rules were meant to be broken.
Now, as a caveat, I still wanna say you need to be loyal to your wife–communication will be utmost in these strange new times. Plus your health and safety, as well as those you love and surround yourself with, are also a priority. So, skydiving is ok, so long as you tell the wife and wear a parachute–ya feel me?
I tell ya, if I could take edibles, stay home and watch stuff/play video games all day I would; maybe do some archery or outdoors stuff now and then, see a friend or friends and do some gaming (video, board, RPG, whatever), and occasionally take a vacation (cruise or visiting) somewhere (I especially like museums!)…
…I think I’d be alright. ‘Course, I don’t have a house, or wife, or kids or any of that stuff–and you bet that if I WAS in your position, I’d STILL wanna do those things I mentioned about wanting to do all day–only maybe also include my wife (and kids, where appropriate).
P.S.: two more things. Ask yourself what 10-year-old you would have wanted, and maybe go do those things. The other item is, go put some secret rooms/staircases/bookcase doors or whatever in your house!
Maybe it’s time for crystal meth. It makes life interesting at the least 😅
Join Boy Scouts and mentor some kids, make some new friends, get out and camp, etc.
Explore meditation
If you’re out of shit to do for yourself then it’s time to start doing shit for other people. Start in your community—see if there are any projects you can throw yourself into.
Mid life crisis time. Maybe also time to embrace being a walking dad meme. Maybe not.
You may want to adjust your expectations if some things aren’t being passionate highs, and you may want to consider further exploring other things that bring you satisfaction. That’s going to be a very personal thing and only you can figure out what actually satisfies you.
As mentioned previously, some people really enjoy those walks with or without their family.
For some its exploring new things (sometimes you do need to mix things up), for others learning to truly enjoy what they have and finding new ways of being happy with them.
Pursue knowledge. This coming century is going to be a century of biology. So I have picked up introductory college textbooks on Cell Biology, Genetics, Neuroscience etc and reading them slowly. My last Biology class was 10th grade, so it’s slow going as these are hard subjects.
Similarly, we’re living in the Third Golden Age of Cosmology. To understand that I am going through the Theoretical Minimum from Stanford that’s available for free. I may end up buying and reading the books associated too.
We’re living in an age with fantastic access to knowledge. See if something piques your interest.
Short answer: give back.
Not just to your kids, but your community. You’re now someone who is highly experienced, individualized and has specialized skills, you have a healthy strong ego to navigate the world.
It’s time to go back to the wider herd and share all you’ve learned, selflessly. I guarantee you, you will get more than you give.
As someone who’s been a youth mentor before and a camp counselor/coordinator for 10 years on an emotional level serving my community is way more satisfying than my successful finance career.
Sometimes it’s teaching them things, sometimes it’s doing healthy activities with them, sometimes it’s just being their genuine friend.
You have no idea how valuable a strong level-headed, safe male role model can be for kids and especially teen boys.
I’ve looked after timid skinny 13 year-olds who are now strong confident young men going to great universities. For example, one of them even asked me to write a personal letter of recommendation for him to get into Dartmouth and he got in.
Not saying you should work with youth specifically. Do what calls to you.
Just in general, seeing people develop or being involved in projects that directly make your community or the wider world a better place is personally a way deeper satisfaction than any short-term thrill.
Just my 2 cents. You have so much to give the world, my friend. Give it with an open heart, enthusiasm, humor and a sincere smile on your face. You’ll be happy you did.
I read through the post and some of your comments and it sounds like you are legit having a mid life crisis. No reason to be unhappy but you are, and there is nothing wrong with that. Honestly though you need to focus on your kids more, in 15 years you’re not going to remember that you couldn’t find enjoyment in the things you used to. Buy yourself a boat and take your kids fishing.
Have you considered talking to a therapist?
It sounds to me like you might have some difficult to diagnose depression.
You still didn’t beat the Matrix, jobs unfinished
Sounds like low testosterone, a blood test would prove it one way or another.
Also fun fact, there are heart health issues with low testosterone. I always though lower was better for hearts but really normal levels are healthy, so people with low levels should consider adding back testosterone not only for physical health but mental health.
The mental side of low testosterone is feeling like you have no drive or purpose. Add back in some test and in a month most guys just want to get after it and do some work. Just my 2 cents, it won’t work for everyone, but when I read your post it feels like classic low testosterone.
This doesn’t necessarily solve the issue of boredom but for me having gratitude for the things I have and the experiences I’ve been able to do bring on a feeling of immense satisfaction.
We’re all on our own path, man. I’m 39, never married, no kids, not dating anyone, will never afford a house in the current market. I completed secondary education at age 34. Tertiary education may come after another round of secondary in my 40s. I’ve never had a career and actually landed my first non-minimum wage job at 36. I’ve never travelled (see: poor), I’ve pursued interests, but they’ve been solitary and close to home (see: poor). But I’ve also developed myself as a person. Read a lot for free at the library. Studied a lot. Listened to lot of music. Talked to people. 39 is shaping up to be a great year, hopefully 40 will be even better than that. This may not help you on your personal journey, but everybody you see around you is headed where they’re going. I’m sure you’ll find a new challenge.
Take some heroic doses and learn how to sail
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Have you tried meth? Makes everything pretty fun, shit, just something as simple as brushing your tooth is a blast when you’re on good one.
There must be SOMETHING you enjoy doing not for achievement sake or an obligation. You seem successful, so ull figure it out
It sounds like you’ve spent a lot of your life checking off a list of accomplishments, and prioritizing that. So it makes sense that you would feel at a loss at the end of the list. But accomplishments, new experiences, even personal growth isn’t necessary enjoying life, or finding meaning in it. Maybe this is a good opportunity to slow down and take some time to pursue things you enjoy which are not accomplishments, don’t have a means to an end.
Personally a really good cup of coffee and breakfast with my long term partner, maybe a chess in the park or a movie and a nap later never ever gets old for me. Meeting up with friends and making each other laugh.
I remember my mom saying when she retired that she’d been so busy for so long that now that she had time to do what she wanted she didn’t even know what she wanted to do, what she was really interested in or enjoyed. It sounds like you might be in a similar position.
As another person mentioned, it’s a little worrisome that you seem to not get a sense of meaning and fulfillment in your family. Therapy might help to look into that and your feelings of meaninglessness.
Write a book, I mean from the post you probably got enough for a couple of them. I would love to read about your adventures, the trials with your sexuality and your wife. Sounds super interesting.
Have you consider teaching others those skillsets you’ve enjoyed and acquired? There are countless of people who would love to follow a path similar to yours.
So reading through your comments (and your diligent responses to them), I think I can summarise it as:
* You’ve achieved all the things you think you can achieve
* You’ve got a great relationship, but you don’t want to dedicate yourself to your family as your sole purpose in life
* You don’t feel like you get time for yourself to explore new avenues (and, even if you did, you can’t think of new avenues to explore)
Definitely a catch-22. I agree with those suggesting a level of burn-out – your particular travelator-of-life has moved you through a lot of goals it would take many folks a lifetime to achieve, so it’s totally valid to start asking yourself “what next?”.
You sound like someone who needs goals to work towards, so set yourself some goals that are not goals for their own sake, but are foundational to your next phase in life. If you think you want to retire early, what position do you want to be in to make that happen in the best way possible? Financially, sure, but also fitness and health. And what are you going to do when you retire? Travel more? And other than your wife, what are you going to do for social activities? What relationship do you want with your kids when they’re older? And your grandkids? _Where_ do you want to live – you mentioned relocation had been put on ice, but perhaps it would be a new challenge for you to embrace?
Hopefully gives some food for thought. Good luck, anyway!
I noticed when i stopped having fight or flight experiences, especially 5+ years it really made me a softy. Matter fact i cant even handle it now and have panic attacks. After having a wild and fun childhood to 25. When life settles you down, and your body no longer can function like it used to as an athlete, its really hard.
Sounds like anhedonia from depression. Depression doesn’t always need some obvious trigger. Sometimes more genetic. High functioning depression is sometimes hard to notice.
Perhaps give back and use all of your talents to make your community better?
You have something that is well known to actors. After a performance is done you feel so empty. You used to be busy, you used to have fun, you know where you were headed, and you became oh so invested.
Then, after the final show, depression hits. The people you got to know over this time, the projected you poured so much of yourself in that it almost became your world, all the external things keeping you on your toes, the roar of the crowd. And then nothing. Life seems to have no meaning. No other performance could match this one, you just wanna stay in bed.
It’ll return to normal in a while, just eat, sleep, exercise and take care of yourself. Eventually boredom will set in, and then you are ready to go at it again, probably with some renewed appetite on life. 🙂
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I’m gonna chime in here – because when I read this I thought to myself “damn, this dude sounds familiar”… and it made me realise that you and I have spoken at length, via Reddit, just about general things back and forth sometime in the last 12 months , of course completely anonymously.
And I get what your saying – and I hope that in someway you find what you’re looking for… but i will give you an outside perspective to our conversation and what I took from it… and from what I gather when I see your posts pop up, despite your changing usernames every 6 months or so!
But in all honesty man, you come across as very selfish. The conversation we had, where I shared a lot with you… was just me, me, me and me. You were happy to divulge everything about yourself and show almost no interest in the person that was in fact actually listening to and talking to you!
I hope you’re relationship is what you say it is – but it sounds like it’s a “love it or leave it” scenario where your wife is almost submissive to what YOU want and not necessarily what she wants… never once did you describe her needs, but just about how you disappear frequently to indulge in your fantasties
You’ve decided to have kids – but derive zero pleasure in raising them!
You’re searching outward on all these things and once again are here… asking people to help YOU!
And look man, I say this objectively because you’re likely a good guy! Perhaps you’re a narcissist because you’ve got the attitude of one – but you haven’t realised it yet
And figuring these things out , they help define you! I’m not throwing this out to knock you at the knee caps… I’m here to helps explain that perhaps finding peace is finding out who you exactly are!
So take it for what it is… again, I wish you the best of luck! But truth is; from the comments I’ve read, the submissions you’ve posted on this and other usernames, the ones currently you have… you’re just a selfish consuming individual looking to absorb more in some endless black hole.
Stop. Relax… perhaps try working on how you can help others for a bit?
Are you kids involved with any activities and sports? For about 6 years, I got heavily involved into whatever they did (sports, marching band, etc). I chaperoned, prepared meals, made props, hauled equipment in a box trailer every weekend almost year round. I loved being with my kids all day. I wasn’t directly with them, but did a lot of behind the scenes stuff. I met a lot of great parents too.
My kids are all in college now, and I do miss that. But I am enjoying this empty nest time with my wife.
I noticed in there you said “not in any sort of check list kind of way” and maybe that’s what you need. Make a list of all the things you’ve done, and didn’t do. The things you might have missed out on, or look forward to in the future. I’m only 23 so feel free to tell me to fuck off as I haven’t lived a life close to anything you’ve described, but I know what you’re feeling. I bought a house last year, and have a decent job, loving relationship, and I felt like I had done so much. My only realization is that although my friends are much older and accomplished, im very young and still have a long ways to go. I think you’re still young too and have a long time before it’s time to settle down and reminisce on the memories. Im a firm believer of trying everything at least once, so maybe it’s time to try new things that you would’ve never been into before.
Where are you at with friendship circles?
Turned 40 this year and working on having my first kid and even I feel like this.
I don’t know if it’s just our age or if it’s having all the boxes checked. To me, it’s more seeing the second half of my life coming and the downward slide physically, mentally, becoming more irrelevant to society and seeing parents age and friends pass.
It’s not that I don’t have things left to do, it’s all this other crap that gets to my brain and starts killing me.
I’m in good shape, make good money, have way more than I ever wanted, but I honestly miss my mid to late 20s and being an adult while still being a kid in some ways and having friends and young parents and just all the excitement around the whole thing.
Going into my 40s, I just don’t know dude. I don’t mind getting older, I mind everyone else getting older. I also miss the sense of wonder and curiosity about the world and the endless possibilities only to find constant disappointment in politicians and the reality of the human condition.
That being said, I was mesmerized by taking an interest in physics and study of the universe. A new sense of wonder overcame me by learning the truly mysterious world around us and what we know and what we can’t possibly yet know and all that could come from it.