I was married to my ex-husband at age 22. We had two children and I stayed home for a few years while he got his career started in a very small town. After years of being lonely in the marriage, deep depression and feeling exploited for physical, mental and emotional labor, I asked for a divorce. He had also physically assaulted me a few times but of course I thought it was my fault. I had previously asked to go to couples therapy to no avail and understood on a profound level that our relationship was not sustainable. Imagine my surprise when my ex suddenly wanted to go to couples therapy! Wow, maybe he does care. I asked him to find a therapist and set it up because he has a bad habit of just not caring until I get fed up and take care of it. A week goes by, still no appointment. He doesn’t know how to find one. I give him a few names. Another week goes by…. shocker, still no appointment. I finally do it myself because at this point it’s for me.
We ended up divorcing and he showed his true colors. Once he knew he couldn’t get anything else out of me and I was leaving, he became adamant about me moving out and him keeping the kids because I was the one breaking up the family. Sadly, thanks to a pay-to-play family law system that allows abusers to continue to abuse, he got it. He didn’t play with our kids or miss them when they were gone but all of a sudden he had to have them. In reality, he had to have his money and pride.
I remarried and recently had a baby with my husband. We’ve now been married the same amount of time my ex and I were. However, I’ve never felt a fraction of the loneliness, invalidation or exploitation I did with my ex-husband. My husband has never harmed me. My husband voluntarily sought therapy after a couple of instances where he didn’t listen to me because he cared about our relationship – not just what he could get out of it.
When I was with my ex I would agree that marriage was hard and I should be stronger. But now I disagree. My current marriage isn’t hard at all. There are situations that are hard but the relationship is not. I love him more everyday and I’ve never EVER felt that he didn’t truly love me. Parenting is so much easier and actually enjoyable this time around now that I’m not saddled with all of the childcare, house management and emotional labor.
Life is hard but my marriage is not.
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Marriage is hard because if you stop putting intimacy in then then relationship starts to die. So there will always have to be work put in to make it work but if the reward is worth the work then its an easy choice. I think that a lot of marriages became very complicated because we all bring our own baggage to the relationship and so many choose not to address the unmentionables that have fallen to the bottom of the bags and think if you ignore it it will go away but shocker it doesn’t. Now education and role models for healthy and happy marriages are lacking as well and that doesn’t help. Generational trauma makes things even hard…
If you find someone who is will to accept they need help and try to get it in a professional setting then that is a winner.
Trauma is a filter that makes life harder
Marriage is hard work but you also have to remember the phrase “many hands make light work”.
In other words, if you’re the only partner putting in real effort, then yes, marriage is far far more difficult than it has to be. If you have a partner that works with you and respects the work that is needed, marriage is a lot easier because you have help. You’ve seen this first hand.
In your first marriage, it seems like he wanted to just “coast” in the relationship without actually having to do the work of maintaining it after the wedding. In your second marriage, you have an actively participating partner. The difference you see is night and day.
Congratulations on finding someone that works with you. I’m 27 years into a marriage that is like that and it’s more amazing every day.
Marriage is only hard if you make it hard. For example by marrying the wrong person. With the right person it’s a smooth and easy, harmonic flow.
Personally, I don’t think marriage is hard. I’ve been with my wife for 10 years now and haven’t ever thought that.
My two cents:
Both, because we as boys are taught nothing about how to make a woman happy. If we have “successful” dads they are never home, and when they are they don’t want to be around us. We are taught absolutely nothing about sex, intimacy, or what women actually want.
My mission in life is to re-learn how to be a man so that I break the cycle and teach my son how to get things right the first time.
Becoming a better husband has forced me to start from scratch, and re-raise myself. Just a few things I know that society didn’t bother to teach me:
* I’m not entitled to sex. Sex is the result of a healthy relationship and that is how women see it. If you make her happy, you get sex. Case closed.
* I’m not entitled to a relationship. I go about earning my relationship every god damn day.
* Women want sex just as much, if not more than men do. It is just that quite often the job of running the relationship falls on their shoulders, so they have no energy left for sex.
* Treat your wife, every day, as if she has options. BECAUSE SHE DOES. There is nothing that kills her respect and love for you as fast as taking her for granted. You show your wife respect, not by taking the relationship for granted, but by serving her the way you said you would.
* You aren’t entitled to respect in your marriage. You earn it.
* Your wife’s respect is easy to lose and hard to earn back. Do yourself a favor and don’t lose it.
* I cause 98% of fights when I refuse to acknowledge and validate her feelings. Her saying that I hurt her feelings isn’t her starting a fight. Validate, apologize, rectify. Validate, apologize, rectify.
* You don’t have to be “perfect” to have a good marriage. Marriage requires humility. Acknowledge your wife’s concerns and you will have a stable marriage. Disregard them and you get a divorce.
* The biggest killer of marriage is pride. Pride is a useless emotion and best gotten rid of.
* If your wife isn’t your best friend, you are doing it wrong.
* Marriage comes to life when you are an active husband and father.
* Your wife doesn’t need you, but she will keep you in her life if she wants you.
* Lastly, your wife doesn’t want you to put the furniture together because she can’t do it herself. She wants you to do it because it is hot. Be hot!
Marriage has been easy honestly.Married my best friend. Love them to death but It’s raising these kids that’s hard lol.
I say being married to difficult people will result in a difficult marriage.
If they are difficult while dating, look out!
I think both are true.
Marriage is hard at times because life is hard sometimes and marriage is the joining of lives.
Both, marriage is a give and take, compromise relationship at all times
OP I could’ve written your post, almost word for word.
I wholeheartedly subscribed to “marriage is hard work” for far too long and was incredibly lonely and miserable in my first marriage.
Second marriage now and it’s a breeze. My husband and I are true partners in every aspect of life.
Life is hard. My marriage now is not. My husband and I lean on each other to get through those hard times together.
Life is hard but my life is a lot easier because I’m married to who I’m married to.
It’s hard when partners aren’t willing to empathize and change. I don’t see how that can be sustainable.