Throwaway account because i’m scared he’ll find my real account and i think reddit should be something personal.
My boyfriend and I are getting very serious and i truly love him. We have plans for me to move into his apartment when my lease ends and then 6 months later when his ends we will move back to my city in a new apartment. He lives 2 hours away. He is planning on finding a new job in my city around August when his lease ends.
The thing is – I LOVE hanging out with him. I spent 90% of last month in his city. Maybe going home like 3-4 days total to go in my office or get more clothes. The problem is … he never comes here (only on weekends) because his job isn’t remote. My job is like 90% remote i can work whenever i want tbh.
THE PROBLEM… My gym is here. My things are here. I bring like a suitcase and two small bags of my personal items whenever i visit him. I have NOT been to the gym in months and he doesn’t make food at his place… we always eat out. I’ve asked many many times if we could go to the grocery store but we always put it off. I just don’t think changing my lifestyle is fair to me, just because we have to wait till March to live together.
I know these things will get better when i move in, i’ll transfer my gym membership to the gym there and i will make sure we start cooking. And i will have my self care stuff at his house.
We have a trip this weekend and i asked him if we could just meet up the day of the trip instead of the day before. I am feeling kind of depressed and unhealthy rn and just want a day to myself to regroup. He thinks this is terrible because he thinks i’m having doubts about living together and than having a day to myself won’t be possible if we live in the same apartment. I just need a day to clean my own apartment. I’m never here and tbh it’s gotten trashed since i literally don’t live here anymore.
What can i do? I love him so much and i do truly want to live together in March and have a new place is MY city in August.
tl;dr – can’t move in together until march and i just can’t keep staying in another city every day it’s not healthy when all of my self care and things i have memberships for are in my city.
9 comments
Sounds like you’re letting him dictate the boundaries of your relationship. If you want to go grocery shopping and cook, do it. If you want to stay home and take care of your place, do it. If there isn’t enough trust in your relationship for you to have control of your own time, you guys are gonna be in for some hard times when you live together.
This isn’t about the gym and groceries so much as it is about your guys communication and his apparent lack of care for your needs and how you feel. I don’t understand why he is sabotaging your cooking to this extent, like what is he gaining out of it? This doesn’t bode well for you guys and if it’s not one it will be the other thing that matters to you that he is not hearing or willing to accommodate. I would absolutely not assume anything will get better once you move. I would not even assume he will move back to your city in August, I suspect he might be just dangling that as a carrot in front of you to get you to move in with him and arrange everything the way it suits him. Then he’ll say – But we just settled in here, doesn’t make sense to move again etc. Stop accommodating everything he wants 100% because he isn’t matching your efforts. You’re gonna get trapped
What does he say when you explain it exactly like you did to us? “I have to go home and deal with my apartment. I can’t just ignore my responsibilities because you want me here.”
Why doesn’t he go to your apartment on occasion? And what is his reasoning for not cooking food? That would be a deal breaker for me because you’re either going to become unhealthy and broke eating out, or you are destined to become the only one who cooks forever. That’s not fair.
Next time you visit him, just start doing the things you normally do. If he acts like you’re not spending time with him, explain to him that you’re just trying to get a jump on your new life by checking out the grocery stores to see which ones you like, checking out gyms etc. He is free to come with you.
You will have to do those things when you live together, and no one who lives together really wants to spend 100% of their time together, so he won’t act so needy when that finally happens, and he should understand that you’re looking forward to it and want to figure out what your new life with him will be like.
There is no accommodation whatsoever. You’re letting him dictate the entire relationship and how you two spend your time.
IMO, Things will not improve when you move in together .
They rarely do and the gap is just too big.
Why not just move your self care things and memberships to his place now? You are there 90% of the time. It makes sense to have your stuff where you are 90% of the time and only deal with being without it 10% of the time.
The majority of this is a pretty clear relationship problem. It’s reasonable for you to spend a little bit of time at your own home alone (in fact, it’s likely necessary). It’s reasonable for him to come visit more. I’m genuinely confused why you aren’t putting your foot down about these things. These are terrible boundaries.
That said, I’m also confused as to why you aren’t finding ways to still live the life you want to live while at his place. If you’re spending 90% of your time there it’s time to rethink how you work out. You could join one gym there, transfer whatever membership you have at home to a corporate gym that exists in both locations, get something like class pass to test out different gyms near him, or just go to variety of gyms near him (and even use this to find the one you like), you could also work on ways to workout at home. If the argument is that you can’t afford two gyms consider the fact that you’re basically paying for one at home that it sounds like you rarely use. It may make sense to just switch to a gym near him ahead of time. I’m a gym rat and I’ve yet to run into a place I’ve traveled where I truly couldn’t get a workout in or a city without some kind of gym I could drop in at. If you’re going to be spending the majority of your time there figure out how to workout there.
Similarly, you do realize you don’t need him to go grocery shopping, right? If he constantly eats out, that lifestyle isn’t going to change just because you get a new place. I’m wondering at this point if you’re really all that compatible. If it’s important to you to eat in, food prep, have home cooked meals, etc. it’s your responsibility to make that happen. These days it’s never been easier to get groceries with a little ingenuity and if you two have the money to eat out constantly you have the money to afford grocery delivery. If you’re routinely traveling 2 hours to see him on your own than you have the capacity to travel whatever distance to the store and back.
As for your belongings, if you’re truly moving to that area in just a couple months, it almost makes sense to be leaving items and bringing more things each time you come. It’ll make moving way easier if your basic stuff, within reason, is already there. If you’re determined to stay there 90% of the time start bringing what you actually need. You’re going to be moving into that apartment anyway, start doing it now.
Now, having said all that, I’m actually torn about any advice that tells you to move stuff sooner or try to make this transition happen. Your boyfriend’s expectations for a relationship sound wildly unreasonable (“having a day to myself won’t be possible if we live in the same apartment”) and your communication together sucks. It also sounds like you’re overextending yourself in a way that isn’t mutual and your needs are not being met. Furthermore, you’ve told him that and he’s refusing to hear you/ using his own insecurity and anxiety to try to manipulate you (“He thinks this is terrible because he thinks i’m having doubts about living together”).
It also makes zero sense that he isn’t visiting you more. If the end goal is to live in your city, not his, it makes sense to start establishing a life there for both of you. If he was actually excited to move to your city I suspect that he’d find a way to spend at least one weekend a month there with you (yes, even while working full time). I’ve done the 2 hour commute on weekends while working in a hospital and it is rough, but it is doable for the right relationship and to be in the city I wanted to be in. The fact that he’s telling you he will be moving to you but doesn’t even visit you is suspect. It sounds more like he’s hoping he won’t have to change anything about his life while you move in with him (and that’s effectively what you’re planning to do for 6 months). What happens at the end of the 6 months if he just tries to get you to stay where you’re both at or if he can’t easily find a new job in August.
Are you certain the plan you have makes sense? If I were you I would be rethinking living with this person in the near future, especially if he’s this codependent and will eventually be moving to a new city for you. You’ve pretty much proven that you can’t set boundaries or have a healthy level of independence in this relationship, cohabitation will just magnify those problems. The isn’t going to work if there is not enough trust for you to have time on your own occasionally (yes, even couples who are living together get time apart). Upending your life for 6 additional months for this guy sounds terrible and based on how this has written I strongly predict that you’re going to end up regretting this and moving back to your city on your own eventually unless you take charge and make actual changes for yourself.
You do not need his permission or enthusiastic engagement to get groceries, go to the gym, or return to your own home. Read that last sentence several times over. Because that’s literally the problem you are posting about. Does that really sound like a great relationship to you?
You like home. Stay home! Fuck him.