My mother has continuously snooped everything on my father’s phone for a while, and yesterday he had enough and changed the passcode. After her snooping sessions when he was gone, she wouldn’t find anything bad (as my dad is trustworthy) but would still berate him on one thing. Him talking to his sister who lives abroad who she hates and has a vendetta against. Why? Because she used a snooping software to check who has her blocked on facebook, and long behold, my aunt was there.
His changing of the passcode has caused her to go ballistic claiming that she now “can’t trust him” and that “if there’s nothing to hide why change it”. Is this not bitter irony as she is the one who feels she can’t trust her husband without spying on him? When I confronted her today about why she snooped on him she claims that its only down to “boredom”, but doesn’t that feel like a lie to tell yourself? She also told me that she doesn’t care if he talks to his sister yet every time she snoops she gets really pissed at him for it, claiming he cares more about his sister than her if he still talks to a woman that dislikes her.
Overall, does this also appear to you like she is the one who has serious trust and anxiety issues here and that it’s not my dad in the wrong for changing it or is it just me?
TL;DR – My mother spies on my father’s phone for a while, he eventually gives in and changed the passcode and now she is extremely angry and claiming she can’t trust him
24 comments
Why on earth is your father tolerating this?
You. For not staying out of it and minding your own business.
It’s his phone, he can do whatever the hell he damn wants to. And he can talk to his sister. It’s his sister.
It sounds like your mother has some pretty big mental health issues going on here, like her alcoholism, it sounds like she has some contempt for him and this relationship, her constant looking for problems, her low self-esteem and constant anxiety and going behind his back to look for problems.
I’d like for you to watch this video online on YouTube by the channel Cinema therapy called villain therapy, Anakin skywalker. It talks about what is wrong with Anakin Skywalker and I think that you will find a lot of similarities with your mother and her Mental Health issues. If you like this video, perhaps you can share it with your father or with your mother.
I’m sorry that you keep getting bombarded by all of this when you just want a stable household. I hope that your mother is able to finally seek help for her mental health issues and better herself, because life doesn’t have to be like this.
We are all entitled to privacy.
Your father is in an incredibly toxic and emotionally abusive marriage. How old are you guys (their kids)? He may feel compelled to stay with her for you guys. Your mother sounds like she is battling some mental health issues/alcoholism and if you and your siblings are underage, I would pressure him to move you guys out of this kind of environment and away from her until she received necessary professional help. This can escalate rapidly and her abuse can very easily turn to you guys next, be if physical or emotional. You need to have a talk with your father that goes beyond privacy and a phone passcode.
Weird, I wonder why your aunt blocked her.
Stay out of this. It’s not your job to get involved in your parent’s relationship. If your dad isn’t going to stick up for himself, that’s his problem and not yours. You won’t make the situation better by getting involved in this, and you will damage your relationship with both parents. You stay out of this.
That being said, your mother is 100% in the wrong. What she’s doing is inappropriate and abusive. As long as your dad doesn’t stand up to her, your dad is enabling her abusive behavior.
Here in Brazil he say “who doesnt own, doesnt fear”, meaning that when you dont have anything to hide you dont try to hide anything.
And here snooping is way more acceptable and if a boyfriend use a secret passcode is usually a red flag.
Its a total cultural difference, bc when i say “snoop” aand things that are completely acceptable here reddit moderators always censor me 😅
Answer to your questio is that mom is in the wrong. It is OK to want privacy. It is not ok to snoop on partners phone nor at his conversations with siblings etc.
Second, it sounds like you mom is controlling and abusive toward your father.
Your mother is in the wrong but I would not be involved in your parents marital issues.
Your mom is in the wrong. Also weird that they’re making it your business.
The lady doth project too much, methinks.
I’d tell your father that you’d support him getting a divorce, and would stay with him if he left your mother. She sounds like she has one of the cluster b personality disorders, and is really abusive. Your poor dad deserves someone Kind and loving.
I mean, he has been enabling her behaviour for a while now by the sound of it. It was never healthy for her to be snooping and like most snoopers the goal isn’t to prove she can trust her partner it is to find something to be upset about. After all, she has the benefit of always having something to be upset about given he clearly won’t stop having contact with his sister.
Time for your father to face that. She is unhealthy, she can pretend it is about ‘boredom’ but if that is the case tell her to go fly a kite. She wants to be upset, she is clearly untrusting and needs to vindicate that anxiety. He has put up a boundary, if he withdraws it now then really she will only get worse.
your mom is 100% wrong dude, and she is an abuser. if you snoop, you better find something, because if you don’t you’ve thrown trust and any right to the benefit of the doubt out the window. sorry your dad feels like he has to put up with being abused. I would encourage him to divorce her and get a restraining order against her.
If you don’t have trust in a marriage, you don’t have anything.
My wife and I know each others passwords. It’s not out of some need to snoop on each others phones. It’s a matter of convenience but more than that, we trust each other implicitly.
1st off stay out of it, but yeah there’s a saying like “you can only b3at a dog so many times before it doesn’t come back”
Whichever of them is involving you in this is the one basically fucking up.
Your mom was very much in the wrong. Phones are private as well as purses and wallets.
It is nuts that she would be upset about discovering she was blocked on FB by your aunt.
In 2020 my daughter was pregnant. I was friends with her in laws on FB. One day the FIL posted ‘The only good (political party) is a dead (political party)’. I was shocked. My daughter was very pregnant with his son’s child. FIL grandchild and he was basically the only good version of my daughter would be her dead.
My daughter’s inlays are great to her. Every time I saw FIL’s comment showed up in my feed it took all my self control not to respond to it. To make a long story short. I unfriended him. I kept my sanity and a good relationship with my daughter inlays.
Yes it is your mom who has the trust and anxiety issues. It almost seems like she wants to find something on his phone to argue about? If she’s bored, she should find a healthy outlet like a hobby or something else to occupy her time. I would encourage her to go to individual therapy to sort through why she does this.
Your dad is not in the wrong in my opinion. He is entitled to privacy and based on what you have shared so far, there’s not really anything to hide anyways. The fact that your mom still bickers with him about things like talking to his sister is the reason he even changed his password to begin with. Not because he has something to hide but because he’s tired of being berated. No one deserves to be treated the way your mom treats your dad.
It’s not your issue, if you are the kid here.
It’s your parents’ issue, let them deal with it.
It’s clear that you favor your dad over your mom. But we don’t know the full context of the story too. Maybe there are more to the story than meet the eye.
As for the current information you provide, it sounds like your mother is very insecure. But I understand esp. when it comes to your dad’s sister. As my mother used to have ‘vendetta’ with my dad’s sisters also. My dad has 7 sisters and all of them tended to be rather ‘cold’ to her (according to my mother who claimed that–growing up–).
When I was a kid, I totally was not on my mother’s side. I was on my dad’s too. I thought my mother was…you know, overexaggerating and was ‘asking for it.’ After all, she was verbally abusive toward me (and my sibling) growing up.
Until I actually became grown up and started to interact with my aunts in an adult lense. I realize then, my mother was indeed not exaggerating. They’re really passive-aggressive c*nts, lol. They’re actually A-holes and my mother didn’t share all the sh1t they put her through, but now I understand why my mother had such distaste against them although they were split up by continents for many years.
I never told my mother that I finally understand how she felt back then..because these days, my mother and my dad’s sisters have MADE UP. Not joking. Now they’re close lol. So don’t be surprised, that one day, your mom and your dad’s sister will stop their feud and become close. Esp. when there are deaths in the family (oh I’ve had so many deaths this year alone…so that’s part of why people decide to bury hatches).
Your father is in the right. I had a boyfriend who was like this once. He would look at all my messages all of the time. Even message my friends and family pretending to be me. I hated it. One day i started switching accounts when I was done using the account. I would switch to his messenger account, and when he would try clicking on my account it would ask for a password. I would log out of Facebook and delete all of my call log history and text messages. Because i had a right to my privacy.
Women and men don’t understand that this actually angers us and makes us not want to be with the person. You are only pushing us away. Being your lover doesn’t mean our privacy and our life just ends. It’s not just you, we are still human beings that deserve privacy.
Reminds me of my mother. She always snoops in me and my dad’s stuff. I would come home and my entire room is flipped upside down like she would make a MESS and then I would have to clean it up. And she did this ALOT. She also snooped on my dad’s phone soooo many times and goes through his things. She was also mentally abusive towards me and him and more physically a abusive towards him.
At this point I just assume any woman I’m dating will go through all of my stuff. My phone, my computer, my closets.
You eventually just learn to conduct yourself in a way that there’s nothing to hide because you aren’t doing anything wrong.