My husband (30M) and I (29F) just got married 2 months ago after dating for 5 years, and we’re at a bit of a loss right now about splitting holidays. Up until now, he hasn’t had the closest relationship with his family, while my family is very big and are all very close, so we’ve always spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family. My family lives 5 hours away while his family is local, so we see them for Easter, birthdays, and randomly throughout the year. Overall, we see his family more because they’re closer, and its never been a big deal to spend the two big holidays with mine.
Well, all of a sudden his dad has brought up that he would like to now share Thanksgiving and Christmas, so that his side of the family would get at least one of the Holidays each year. I know that typically that is the fair way to do it. However, its hard since I only get to see my whole family 3 times a year (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and summer retreat) while he can see his family whenever he wants. So losing one of those 3 times would be extremely hard for me. It wouldn’t work to visit my family at a different time because my family is large and many of us live far away now, so its only those 3 times per year where everyone travels in from wherever they currently live to spend time together. His family, on the other hand, could easily celebrate a few days before or after the actual holidays since everyone is local. However, when we brought up that solution, his dad didn’t seem happy about it.
How can we navigate this fairly? To me, it seems fair for my family to get those two holidays since his family gets everything else and can easily visit whenever they want. Then we could arrange a celebration with his family a few days before or after the official Holiday date. My husband is ok with that as well. However, I also understand his dad wanting to celebrate the actual day with us on occasion. I just don’t know what to do to be truly fair and not alienate myself from his family too much. Losing that Holiday time with my family would feel devastating to me though.
3 comments
It’s not up to his Dad. It’s up to you and your husband. Stick to your guns and tell him nicely no. Believe me, standing as a united front now will set the tone for the rest of your marriage that you guys call the shots and will support each other’s decisions. You won’t regret it!
Why not split it up by having him go to his family and you to yours and see how that works for you (as husband and wife)? Might be a good compromise, or you might realize you definitely want to spend the holidays together, and then make a uniformed decision as to where and how, without being influenced by others.
Make a decision together and have him tell his dad what that decision is. With that said you make it sound like it’s easy for them to pick any random date for a family get together and everybody make it. Living near relatives that are close by that’s not necessarily the case. If you do have to miss a larger get together offer an alternative time to celebrate with his dad and be sympathetic.