Hi everyone, I just feel like i need to type this out somewhere cause i don’t know what else to do.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and we’ve talked about the future and what it’ll look like if we’re still together. Every time we’ve talked it’s always been us moving in together once we graduate college and exploring a new city. But lately he’s been acting distant & he broke down and told me he can’t leave; that he doesn’t want to leave his family and his hometown. The city we’re in now is not my hometown and i’m not that close with my family as he is, so I don’t understand what he’s feeling. He doesn’t have many friends in this town and his figure career can be done anywhere; it’s just family that is the issue. It’s bringing up emotions and issues because 1) i’ve always dreamed of moving out of texas every since I was a kid and 2) my major and career will expect me to move out of state & my career/ education is something i’m passionate about and want to spend my life doing (and he knew both of those things going into our relationship).
I love him so much and he’s one of the only people I can myself around, but i’m only 19 and haven’t even started my career or life yet. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum (like it’s me or his family) cause that’ll turn into resentment down the road. And his family are lovely people, and I’ve told him countless times we would always be able to visit, plan vacations, and holiday trips.
I ended up telling him to think about it and if he doesn’t think he’ll be able to move, we shouldn’t be together anymore. I wouldn’t be able to continue loving and getting attached to someone who wouldn’t be able to be apart of my future. But It hurts so much just thinking about it.
Has anyone gone through similar stuff? Or any advice? I just need some words to be able to get through this cause I domt know what to do anymore
tl;dr – my boyfriend says he wouldn’t want to move cities so he can stay near family, I won’t be able to stay in this city (because of career). Advice?
4 comments
Advice: if this is a dealbreaker for you, treat it like one.
Sounds like you are handling a painful situation well. This is one of those fundamental deal breakers. Unless you want a permanent long distance relationship, and almost nobody does, then where you want to live long term is one of those fundamental compatibility issues like kids versus no kids. It is sad – it’s always sad when a relationship is almost right, really close to right, but has one thing that completely ruins it. But you’re handling it correctly. If this will destroy your relationship in the future, it makes sense not to get more invested now and have it hurt even more and potentially keep one or both of you from meeting someone else you are truly compatible with.
So here’s the thing. This:
> I love him so much and he’s one of the only people I can myself around
…is not enough to build a working, lasting, healthy, long-term relationship on.
Before “love” even becomes worth considering, *compatibility* is the first thing that you (general “you”; any person) need to look at.
Compatibility in a relationship means that *both* people in the relationship *must* be able to have all of their needs met…*everything* that they need to have out of life in order for it to be happy and fulfilling…while remaining in the relationship and *without* preventing the other person from also having his/her needs met.
If there’s even *one* fundamental incompatibility, such that I cannot have my needs met if you have *yours* met, or such that you cannot have *yours* met if I have mine met…then there *is* no healthy and workable path forward for the relationship, and no amount of “but we love each other soooo much” can change it. All “love” in that situation can do is cause people to cling far longer than they should to something that *cannot* work, and cause themselves and each other greater heartache as a result.
So if he *needs* to stay in the place where you both live now, and you *need* to move because of career and education…
…that’s it. That right there is a fundamental incompatibility about which there can be *no* compromise. Either you have to give up your career and education plans and be miserable as a result, or *he* has to give up living near his friends and family, and be miserable as a result.
You’ve been together for six months, and in that time, you have discovered that you and he have a fundamental incompatibility, and that there is no healthy path forward for the relationship.
That doesn’t mean *he* is a bad person, it doesn’t mean *you* are a bad person…it just means that neither of the two of you is the right partner for the other.
So now that you *know* that there cannot be a long-term future for the two of you, what you have to do is choose between one of two options:
1. Break things off *now*, so that you don’t invest even more time, effort, and emotional energy into something that you know *cannot* continue once your education and career goals require you to move, or
2. Make the conscious choice, *together*, that you know that your relationship has an expiration date; enjoy the time you have together *while* you have time together, but accept that you will eventually have to part ways.
If I were you, I would go with Option 1, because Option 2 is very dangerous; it can lead to you both forgetting that the relationship has an expiration date, and so you can both become very invested in it, in what you have built and are building together, and then when the inevitable date that you have to move comes, suddenly Sunk Cost Fallacy comes into play, and you don’t want to have “wasted” all of that time, and so one of you decides that you “can” compromise your needs, and so one of you gives up and does what the other one wants, and so begins a long road to frustration, resentment, and eventual bitterness.
So since you know for a *fact* that the relationship has no healthy, workable, long-term future, my advice to you is to end it and move on.
You’re 19 years old. This will not be the last person you fall in love with.
Thank you, you sound like nice person and I appreciate your advice and words