I was talking with my therapist today about having difficult conversations. I shared that previously, I did feel worried about “what if they get mad at me” or “what if they don’t like me” etc. Now, being much older, and having a career where I have to deliver feedback that is necessary, but not always welcome, I don’t really care too much if they like me or not, it sort of comes with the territory. But I always try to approach someone in a kind and respectful way. The problem comes in when I begin the conversation, it starts off well….and then I just keep qualifying things. And over explaining. She shared that it could be caused by me trying to regulate their emotions for them, and wanting them to feel at ease. She wanted to remind me that I’m not responsible for other peoples emotions, I can’t control them. Etc etc etc. well, honestly, now my mind is going to the opposite end of the spectrum here. And imagining what a conversation would look like while taking that into consideration. I imagine it to be very harsh and cold. How can I find a good middle ground? Putting people at ease, remaining calm, and also respecting their time by not going on and on with my qualifiers and over explanations?
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Well you’ve swung the pendulum all the way over! I don’t think that’s what your therapist intended.
So long as what you say is respectful and kind there’s nothing else you need to worry about or do. The explanations are not necessary. They don’t make what you say any more kind.
It seems you are aware of the qualifiers so the answer here is to just stop including them. People will ask if they need clarification. Easier said than done, I know, but the reality is it takes practice to break habits. So talk to your therapist about techniques to help, thought stopping/redirection seems appropriate here.
It took a year of that for me to stop bullying myself, so be kind to you too. It will take time. Your awareness of what you’re doing is a huuuge huge step to have already done. Now it’s just catching yourself at it and making yourself stop over and over until it becomes natural.
Lets say you want to ask people for a work lunch. Just ask “hey, anyone want to come for lunch?” And then leave it at that. Don’t say it’s fine if they don’t, don’t say they can pick X or Y location, don’t get all weird about time. Just ask if they want to come, and don’t say anything until they reply. Then you either answer the question directly, or if it was a rejection say something like “maybe next time!” and move on.
People don’t like to have things over explained to them. It’s not only boring, but kind of insulting. As your therapist said you gotta let people speak for themselves. So practice practice practice