My (30sf) dog passed away from old age last week. It’s just been her and I for the last 10 years and I’m completely gutted. It’s making me feel self-destructive and wanting to contact my ex just for some familiarity, comfort, distraction.
I know this is how it works when you have pets, but do you guys have any tips for me to not let myself fall apart here?
My life has been really hard the last few years. I had stage 4 cancer (in my 20s), somehow survived, started getting my life back together, got dumped, started feeling better, cancer treatment gave me type 1 diabetes, finally seem to get a handle on managing that, then my dog, who has been by my side through everything, dies. I’m just so exhausted. I’ve come so far and I know this is actually a normal problem and a normal part of life, but I don’t want to backtrack again. It feels like every time I’m close to feeling happy or achieving some stability, something else happens. I’m finally putting my career back together after years off due to treatment and it’s like now I can’t even focus again because I’m so devastated.
How do you get through this? I think I’d be heartbroken no matter what, but it just feels like too much on top of everything else that’s happened.
And before you ask, yes I’m in therapy, have been for years, I work out 6x a week, I meditate twice a day, do yoga, and journal, so I’m not sure what else I can do there.
TLDR: Dog died suddenly after years of my having serious medical problems and a breakup, and I’m just emotionally spent and not sure how to continue my life. Also trying not to backslide into contacting my ex, slacking at work.
10 comments
I am very sorry for your loss, maybe it will help you feel better if you help other animals in the shelters, either with money or donating some of your time.
OP, I’m sorry for your loss. The death of a pet can feel just as bad as losing a beloved family member…or even worse.
Your deep grief is NORMAL. Even if all that other bad stuff hadn’t happened, even if you had cruised through your 20s without a care in the world, you’d still be feeling devastated right now. Rather than trying to distract yourself from it, allow yourself to fully experience the sorrow of losing your loyal furry friend, the one who was there for you throughout your struggles. Think of your grief as another way of honoring her memory.
You do need emotional support right now, but I’d advise you NOT to contact your ex to provide it. Why invite more trouble and emotional turmoil back into your life? Instead, lean on close family members and/or friends to help you through this difficult time. If you haven’t already contacted your therapist about your dog’s death, please do so immediately. They can offer you coping techniques, and possibly prescribe short-term medication to ease the pain.
Depending on how well you get along with your boss at work, I’d advise you to go to them and tell them you’re having a hard time focusing due to your grief. Maybe you could take some PTO or a brief unpaid leave of absence, until you regain your equilibrium. It’s better than letting your work suffer because your mind is elsewhere.
OTOH if your work environment is hostile or ultra-competitive, the last thing you’d want to do is let them know you’re an actual human being with human emotions due to your dog dying. But it’s still not OK to let your work slide because of it. I’d recommend calling in sick for a few days instead. At least that will allow you a long weekend to rest up and heal your aching heart.
It’s actually a children’s book, but Cynthia Rylant’s [Dog Heaven](https://www.amazon.com/Dog-Heaven-Cynthia-Rylant/dp/0590417010/ref=asc_df_0590417010/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312041961788&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14257092625650585949&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9002691&hvtargid=pla-434026446666&psc=1) was a great comfort to me as an adult after my own dear dog died. I shed buckets of tears while reading it, but it was totally therapeutic and I felt much better aferwards. It’s in most libraries, and your local bookstore can order it if you’re not a fan of Amazon. I wish you well.
Your dog loved you, and more than anything wanted you to be happy. Some people believe our loved ones (even pets) can see us after they die. Do you really want your dog to see you sad and moping around?
I’m sure your dog would want you to find new love and new joy in life, even if they aren’t around to share it physically with you. A part of your dog will always be with you in your heart.
I’m so sorry this happened. You have my deepest sympathy. I love my dog like family and I call him my baby. He’s 14 and not in good health so I know the clock is ticking.
I had been through a very stressful time and a bad break up when my last dog died. I called in sick the next day and cried for weeks. The only thing that heals that wound is time and it never heals completely. It does get better though.
You are doing wonderfully. You have overcome so many hardships. This isn’t backtracking. This is a trauma that you can and will get through. Please don’t depend on your ex to support you through this. He’s an ex for a reason. Do you have another support person you can lean on? It’s okay to have an off season at work once in a while. Your dog, a beloved member of your family died. Take it easy on yourself right now and go big with self care. For me, having a distraction, like work, is helpful during bad times. I hope you find something that helps you too.
Hugs if you want them.
I’ve been through it and currently am going through it again. My only advice is to get through it, moment by moment, breath by breath.
Grieve for her. Remember her. Take care of yourself. Go for walks. A change of scenery can make you feel hopeful again.
It’s not easy. It’s been 9 months for me, it still hurts. But life is becoming bearable again, I only think about her sometimes, it’s okay to cry at home for as long as you need.
I usually feel a bit better if I just get it all out of my system in a safe space
I’m so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathy. I don’t know if this helps, but I always try to remind myself that grief is the shadow of love. All the love that you and your dog had for one another still exists, and it will always exist. You carry her with you.
And in regards to not falling apart… are you able to take any time off work for mental health reasons? It sounds like you’ve been through the wringer, and need some time to process your feelings. I know I’ve needed time to just let myself fall apart, stay in bed, cry for days, do what I need to do. I hope you find outlets that help you 💛
I just lost my 12 yr old cat who I’ve had since he was a tiny kitten. College, multiple cross country plane rides, multiple failed relationships.
Having him stopped me from unaliving myself at one point. I know it hurts. It hurts so much. He was an extension of my soul. There is no me without him. We knew each other inside and out and he trusted me implicitly.
I decided I would talk to his soul because it’s still here even if he’s not here in body. I mentally say hello to him when I enter the house, I kiss when he passed on the bed and tell him I miss him. I’ll have his ashes soon.
I recommend fostering or volunteering. Here there is a cat cafe and I can spend $30 for 80 minutes socializing kitties.
Going through traumatic things like this will bring up past traumas, so it’s normal to be thinking about all the terrible things that have happened but please try to be kind and loving to yourself. Life is already hard enough. You’ve been through so much and stayed so strong.
your pup was so lucky to have so much love from you, just as you are lucky to have had them by your side. It’s painful and there’s no way around that and I’m sorry. My father passed last year and listening to near death experiences (Nde) has made me feel a bit better, that maybe our consciousness lives on in the aether. Some people speak of being reunited with pets that have already passed on. I saved those to listen to when I lose my pup as well.
A pet is more like a child than a friend or family member. In the sense that they are dependent on you for survival and they are a part of your daily mental checklist. Their needs are in your thoughts whenever you are doing pretty much anything. You plan your life around needing to come home to take care of them. You will for some time continue to engage in these subconscious mental tasks which will continue to remind you of your pet.
My dog of 12+ years died recently as well. It helped me to mix up my schedule and spend more time away from home. At home my first thought automatically when I woke up for about 3 months was to hop out of bed and grab the leash and perform the same daily rituals I had been doing for more than a decade. Even if you can’t get away fully plan to go out, stay up late, sleep in longer. Anything to break the routine.
Don’t contact your ex. He probably wouldn’t give a shit and it will make it worse. I considered contacting my ex when my dog died (who I originally got the dog with in the first place) and realized she probably wouldn’t give a shit that he was dead or have any sympathy for my pain.