Women of reddit, what makes you attracted to a man in the first few dates?

26 comments

1. Guys who are thoughtful and considerate tbh. Ask me about myself, give me your arm when we walk, ask my consent with everything. Dudes who say “we don’t have to do it” and MEAN it are automatically getting laid.

2. Men who are kind and considerate and actually ask me questions about myself instead of only talking about themselves. A good sense of humor really helps as well. I think limiting the date to an hour could backfire if you’re both having a good time. Maybe limit it to 2 hours?

3. – How’s your escalation? 3 hours is likely plenty of time to build enough rapport initiate some physical contact.

   > When they challenge/disagree with you?

   When the options are between door mat and argumentative, the latter is better. Emotional polarization is a good thing.

   – You don’t *have* to make a false time constraint. You do need to examine how the dates are going though. Are they amicable? Interesting? Exciting? What’s the quality of the dates? It’s more important to be a person she’s interested in than being a good person.

   – the fact you can have 30 first dates leads me to think this is strongly a personality issue

4. What attracts me to a man is a man who is masculine that I have a connection with. For me if I like a guy and really enjoy his company I want the date to last all night or all day lol

5. Just be you, tbh. If you think of limiting the time together to keep exciment, you already give the vibes of playing games. Guys know and hate it.

   Be a girl with positive energy, happy with her life, with smiles, easy to talk meaning do not talk about big topics like marriage, kids at first date 😅, has her own interests/opinions on things (and don’t wear lots of makeup, I heard guys hate it??!), etc. it will attract guys naturally. Not just guys, but everyone like to be around positive people.

   I am always successful with first date (except with one “fuckboi” lol, he changed immediately after I refused him touching me).

6. OP, Don’t pay attention to the responses in this thread that sound like this “Be kind, respectful, ask questions about the girl, ask consent, be nice to the server, etc”.

   that’s baseline common decency behavior, but it has nothing to do with attraction, period. eople will comment (maybe even angrily) to this comment that it does – DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.

   You need to be exciting, engaging, do you look like your pictures? escalate physically (but please read the signs that she is open to it). hold your ground and don’t agree on everything she says – challenge her etc.

   The bad news is that you are probably getting rejected by women you could have a good long term relationship with, based on your actions (that have nothing to do with a long term relationship). frustrating right? good news is that you can change it. And you have the hardest step down – getting the dates.

7. my first date was 8h long and ended up in an intense make out session. I was attracted by the flirting and how hard he chased me tbh

8. If you can make me laugh, are down to earth, are empathetic and kind, are looking for the same things, make me feel comfortable, aren’t trying to cross my boundaries or to have sex with me, if you bring me home afterwards/make sure I get home safe, let me know afterwards if you/how you liked it and would like to see me again.

   If we two have fun and it’s already been 1 hour, who cares?! Let’s spend more time together.

   Me and my boyfriend met for a coffee but ended up talking for 6 hours straight. Next day he wanted me to go to visit his parents together. When it’s right and it feels safe- it doesn’t matter what you do, it just feels right.

   Good luck!

9. I’ll say that since you’ve had so many dates it’s probably a matter of awkward vibes or uncomfortable. Are you very stiff and nervous on dates? If so it’s normal and there are ways you can make yourself more at ease. My advice has to do more with how to make a deeper connection and make people feel seen so that you create that space of comfort.

   My first advice is , if you’re gonna go out to eat, sit next to them instead of directly in front of them. I understand that this is the norm but this change can help a whole ton. I’ve felt this way before – I hate hate hate eating with a person directly in-front of me on a date cuz it feels so formal and makes me more nervous, interview vibes. Yesterday or the day before, a dating/social coach validated this for me when he (Anthony Recenello) said to try sitting next to the person. What he explained and what I’ve found based on my own personal experience is that sitting in front of each other feels too much like an interview and it sets the tone for trying to sell yourself in a good light . Sit next to them. This allows you and them to be more comfortable, to be more vulnerable and open and creates the space to comfortably and more naturally do so without that heavy pressure. Of course sit next to each other and turn your chairs slightly toward each other that creates an intimate space

   My next tip is eye contact. Be good at holding eye contact , it tells the person that you are attentive and you are present. There’s a lot of comfort in that and it helps you connect. Yes dates can be awkward but only if you let it. By holding eye contact and leaning into the awkwardness of it (by that I mean not looking away every time you feel nervous or awkward) you then become the person that makes it not awkward. You get it?

   Third tip is to approach getting to know them like you would a friend, no it doesn’t put you in the friend zone it allows for you to connect on a deeper level. The fact that you’re already on a date puts you in that position of them not automatically putting you in that box. Talk to them like you would a friend. It alleviates your discomfort and theirs which leads to being more open, and more connection. But make sure to express attraction here and there. Express how what they said gives you a glimpse of who they are and that that’s a beautiful quality to have or how beautiful you find that to be etc. express attraction consistently without being too heavy and that’ll help because you then create that safety of letting them know how you feel and that alone is the separation of friends or not

   Fourth tip. See them for who they are as a human being behind the facade of how they present themselves to the world. People walk around with masks on and titles in their hands to present themselves in a way they want to be seen and from wanting to be accepted too. When you see people behind all of that they can feel it and that does wonders in letting that guard down and that’s when you truly get to see the person behind the gender or the job position or any other status they hold unto

   Be yourself. Be authentic. Don’t follow the advice of be a macho man , or do this to seem manly or do that to be seen as a man. No. Be you. Fact of the matter is you’re a human being and whoever you’re dating wants to know what makes you you, what are your experiences and what’s the life you’ve lived look like, how do you see life? Connect on the grounds of human beings sharing their experiences instead of putting the mask on of gender and all the ways you’re told to act. Get real and connect on human grounds. It’s a level playing field where everyone can relate on. When you take gender out of it and see each other as human beings things become so much easier and so much clearer. Best way to treat someone too

   Most of this advice is from Anthony Recenello on YouTube a man who encourages connection and not all that blah blah surface level stuff and also my knowledge as a psych student so trust me on this.

10. The process refines for me with time & experience but imma late bloomer so im doing now what people my age have already done/discovered ten years ago lol.
    I think knowing what i was precisely looking for helped me immensely. Went from “i will see” to “is this matching what I have in mind”. Im not saying have a checklist but definitely jott down what are ur absolute deal breakers, nice to have etc. that makes weeding out very easy. Also, i dated extensively to enjoy the process & meanwhile if i like someone, good, if not, I at least know what I don’t want. Then met someone I want to seriously make things work with so no dates anymore. But through those 15+ first dates, I learnt A LOT about myself, which led me to him

11. 28F here.

    I don’t see the point in limiting it. I’ve had a great first date that lasted 5-6 hours because we hit it off really well.

    Flirting/complimenting go a long way. But don’t make it sexual. I hate when I go on a first date and they just make everything sexual right off the bat before I can get to know them.

    Not a huge fan of mystery. Like don’t spill all your secrets or anything. But I really like when I see a little vulnerability on the first date. Something that makes you a little deeper as a person.

    I can also like the dates that are all fun convos, but the ones that are 90% fun convos 10% vulnerable convos are the ones where I feel more for someone.

    Also ask her questions! If she asks you a question after you answer ask her back. And also come up with your own questions to ask, don’t piggy back off hers everytime.

12. I had a first date of around 7hrs with a guy about a year ago – he was literally the most amazing dude I’ve ever met. Distance did its thing (we dont live in the same area) but I still enjoy our texts.

    My advice: there’s nothing written in stone, no rules, nothing. If you like whatever vibe you’re getting, flow with it. No need to remain “mysterious” if you want a genuine connection.

    So, don’t go by the playbook and see how it goes.

    (And what makes me attracted to a dude: sense of humor, randomness, kind heart, good listener.)

13. No, limiting is ridiculous. An amazing date should keep going. Don’t play games. Learn to be comfortable with yourself.

14. If a man only wanted to spend an hour with me on a date I would assume they are not interested and move on pretty promptly 😂

    I was very attracted to my partner on our first date because it was clear he was NOT desperately trying to sleep with me. This made him seem very confident and sexy.

    He was interested and engaged, asked me a lot of questions and not just “how many siblings do you have”, it was “what is important to you in a relationship” “what do you want to achieve in life” etc.

    Our first date lasted 16 hours lol

15. Passion. Them telling me about their work, their hobby, and their eyes just twinkling. You know it.

    Asking some questions about me. Interest. Asking follow-up on things I talk about.

    Intelligence. It can be a bit hard to gauge, but sometimes if a good topic comes up it can be evident on the first date.

    Existence of some general life plan. Usually when getting to know each other it comes up if they have a job/are working towards one/are studying/are getting their own place/have any plans for the future, really. Some vision of where they’re going. This is just a personality thing. I’m kind of driven so I know I have trouble just existing close to people who enjoy going with the flow for prolonger periods of time.

16. Effort is HUGE. It shows intention. Did you drive to my side of town for dinner, or did you ask me to coffee on your side of town? Did you clear an evening next week for date #2 with a plan in mind, or did you expect me to make room when you’re free and ask me what I wanted to do?
    If a man shows effort, I immediately get clear signals from him that he’s looking for something serious and he’s done the work in his life to prepare to have space for a girlfriend, AND he considers me a serious prospect. Effort and intention are so attractive.

    Goals are also attractive. I’m busy making things happen in my life to support 2 kids and build my career and household so you need to match my energy. Do you have goals and hobbies, or are you a crisis away from saying “fuck it, I’m moving onto my brother’s couch”?

    Engaging conversation. Care about what I have to say. It shows that you’re interested in who I am, my needs and preferences, and not just seeing me as a few pretty holes to fuck and curves to caress.

    I’m willing to bring all of this to the table myself, so seeing someone else with these attitudes is extremely attractive.

17. Hey struggling dater,

    Below are some pointers/advice.

    Don’t put a time limit on your date- that can be unnecessary pressure which can hinder your first impression. If it’s going well and you want to still hang, then go for it! (unless you have some shit you have to do and only that amount of time to meet up.)

    Being ‘attractive’ certainly can help, but it’s not everything. (I own a vagina- not a girl though but I like guys aka non-binary with tits)

    -Being vulnerable (showing a part of yourself that is very human.)- is a FANTASTIC way to establish a connection during a date- it gives a glimpse behind the curtain and shows the lady he is comfortable with his own self.

    -Is he put together? bathed? groomed? BRUSHED TEETH?? Takes care of eye brows should the uni-brow be a thing? Clean clothes?

    -Being overly self deprecating can be a serious turn off. insecurity is a HUGE turn off.

    **-Act as if you were with a friend and not someone who potentially is a romantic prospect- it takes a lot of pressure off and loosens you up. Being goofy, talking/joking about something that bugs without being whiny- (hot- I don’t have to be his mommy… unless he’s into that ;p)

    – Is not afraid to talk about feelings AND stands behind their opinions- but open to other perspectives. Don’t go too strong out of the gate- ie:

    “I still hear their screams at night… I am filled with the primordial fear every time the lights go out.”

    -confidence and the way he carries himself makes a man veeeerrrry attractive. He could be a ‘4’ (I hate rating people but you know what I mean.) but projecting that big-dick energy that is in your soul is awesome. Even if you don’t have a big dick- you don’t need one to have mind blowing sex.

    -Teasing and flirting is great- too sexual off the bat it’s creepy.

    -Compliments go a long way.

    “You look really nice.” “wow your laugh is adorable.” “is that your cat I saw on your profile? It’s so cuuuute.” “I like an (adjective here) woman”

    -*OPEN DOOR FOR HER*- Can confirm that this is a panty dropper. If she’s the type that gets offended by this, move on. I am a feminist but if someone regardless of gender does that for me, I am so flattered.

    *YE OLD ‘you have something on your face’ – if she tells you to get it, YOU’RE IN.- progress to finger touch phase.*

    *that coat move if she’s cold* (so sweet- can smell you- don’t wear too much cologne or whatever)

    ***ASK FOR CONSENT* like “can I hold your hand?” “wanna make out?” “do you wanna get some dessert elsewhere?” (great way to continue the date and offer an opportunity for physical touches.) “are you open to taking this further? If not, I absolutely understand.” (makes her feel safe and comfortable)

    (should you get to the physical bit.) even the simple “is this okay?” for just about anything is great.

    -How he treats me/others is important- does he ask me about myself? Is he courteous to any kind of staff at a restaurant we may be at? Is he passionate about something or just a boring little peanut?

    – Talking passionately about something you love, regardless if I am interested in the subject or not, is endearing and really cute.

    Good luck my little fish.

18. For me it’s about personality. Are they listening, asking me questions and polite? Those are things that winners with me. Are they interested and open? Again huge in my books. But everyone like advice is different. Good luck.

19. People here have made some great comments o agree with. Just going to add a new one.

    Physical attraction aside and regardless of how attractive you are, putting an effort into their appearance really makes a difference for me. First impressions are everything and a t shirt and shorts doesn’t make a great one.

20. Someone who’s on time and has an overall positive attitude. Listens and asks questions, good back and forth easy conversations. Laughing and trading stories. Usually about an hour to 1.5 is a good first date for me. 30 mins if I’m or we’re not feeling it but 1-1.5 is long but not too long.

21. Wow i needed this post. Going on a first date in a hour! Wish me luck guys

22. I’m a guy, but I can say that making them feel comfortable is what has had the most success with me. When a woman feels comfortable around me, she is much more likely to like me and enjoy her time with me.

23. Beauty is in the eye of the behold, my dude. Just be you and don’t compromise. Be real, be honest with yourself, don’t play games, put forth an effort, be realistic with your expectations. The rest will work itself out. Don’t get too discouraged. Take a break from dating when it starts stressing you out or starts to feel hopeless. Also, learn to be comfortable doing things by yourself.

24. Physical attraction is key. I’m not saying a man MUST be good looking or hot. But you must be attracted to him or it will not work no matter what.

    Confidence.

    Sense of humor and wit

    Easy going

    Good conversation

    BE FLIRTY. Not creepy, flirty. Mess with her a bit, when you have a chance. By that, I mean, tease her joke around, give her a little bit of shit. Banter is sexy. I love banter myself.

    Don’t put too much pressure on it. Try to relax and have fun.

    Don’t be too shy and don’t doubt yourself. Confidence is very attractive. If you seem too safe and sweet, women will friendzone you.

    A good date will go as long as both of you want to. There is no set time. When there is chemistry and things flow easy, time flies by.

25. Being interested in me, not himself. Lolllzzz

26. Intelligence and humour. Easygoing demeanour and makes you feel comfortable