Hi,
I’m 24 years old and just finished a master’s degree and will be starting a job (pretty well-paying) in a smallish town in a couple of months.
I’ve spent my entire life procrastinating on dating even when I had plenty of chances to get into relationships.
In high school, I told myself I’ll wait till I’m in college. When I was an undergrad I told myself I would wait till my master’s degree. During my master’s, I pretty much sabotaged any interaction I had with a woman that was going well since I thought it would be detrimental to me in the long run if I actually succeeded with them.
Even after I got the job I first thought that I should wait till I get another job in a properly large city before I date.
But even if I did get a job in a bigger city I would still be procrastinating and not trying.
Now that I’m 24 and about to enter the workplace I realise I was just making excuses.
I mean I have been on a few dates, and girls have tried to kiss or sleep with me before but I pushed them away because I thought any positive experience with a woman would hold me back in life.
But seeing friends of mine who never had a dating life or at least a healthy one until their 20s succeed and enter into healthy relationships made me realise how dumb that idea was.
So when I move to this new place how do I actually try to date (considering I’m going to live in and near a few small towns)?
How do I not sabotage when things actually seem like they’re going well?
7 comments
Man. I kinda had this problem too until I was 25. You just gotta learn to loosen up and say to yourself, “ah fuck it.” I still have trouble hooking up because I have no interest in meaningless sex. She either has to be so hot that I cannot control myself or I have to be drunk so I don’t think straight. I am too gentle and protective to wanna hookup on dates.
Don’t force it. If you really like her you will know and things will go the right way.
For one thing, stop overanalyzing everything. If you meet someone you think is interesting, ask them out. You’ll have a few dates to basically feel them out and see if you like them from there. If nothing screams out “get away”, then just go with it. By no means compromise standards, but you need to go forward with the “what’s the worst that can happen” mindset otherwise you’re just going to keep making excuses.
Have you considered that perhaps something inside you REALLY doesn’t want a woman?
Why do you want to date or be in a relationship? You’re still young, you had good reasons in the past not to date, and it sounds like you’re trying to push yourself now into something you don’t really want.
Personally, I wouldn’t sweat it. I’ve got quite a high sex drive and a healthy sex life but I didn’t (essentially) date anyone before finishing university and didn’t really get serious until I was around 22.
You’re going to move at your own pace and there’s nothing wrong with that – different people have different needs when it comes to interpersonal relationships and, for some ace/aro folks it’s actually never something they want or need in their life.
If you’re legitimately abstaining from a relationship you’d like to have to pursue money well… that’s silly – money is pretty fucking unimportant. But I’d suggest a bit of introspection since society puts a lot of pressure on folks to conform to a particular relationship path through life and a decent chunk of ace/aro folks go through a phase like you’re describing where they internally describe their lack of desire to pursuing grand plans.
At EOD, I don’t fucking know you so you’re just going to have to sort out your shit (possibly with the help of a therapist/counselor/confidant) but if your path is different from that of your friends or what you see in the media that doesn’t make it wrong.
same issue as you; I think we just gotta start talking to more people; making more friends; asking more people out