I am on mobile and don’t usually use reddit, so apologies for any formatting errors. Also, I will be vague about details and am using a throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I work for a small business. I’m talking myself, the owner, and his wife are the only people involved kind of small business. I run a storefront and my boss, let’s call him B, spends a lot of time in and out of the office. His wife, let’s call her W, is rarely in as she works somewhere else. This means I work alone often, and more often than not B and I are alone in the office if he’s here.
Over the past few months, B and his wife have been having some relationship issues. Their marriage is still intact and they just made an anniversary post on Facebook. This is important to the story.
B has told me from the beginning that he’s a family man, and that he’s a bit touchy (such as loves hugs, will pat you on the shoulder for encouragement, etc.) and if I wasn’t comfortable with something he did or said to please let him know. He’s always been respectful and told me he doesn’t want to disrespect me or make me feel uncomfortable.
I’m not sure when it began, but B loves working in my office (front desk). He even has an extra chair for when he comes in. I didnt think anything of it since I do need to communicate with him a lot for the administrative work I do, but now I’m having different thoughts. Eventually, he began to tell me about his life and marriage problems, nothing too extensive, but I thought he just needed to unload certain things and I’d listen and give my opinion as I worked.
It then escalated from fist bumps to hugs that didn’t bother me until he began to hold me after I pulled back. Just staring at my face and my eyes. That’s when the alarms began ringing in my head. I’d defuse the situation by making a joke or patting his shoulder to let me go but it began to happen every single time we hugged.
This hug situation has been going on for maybe 2 months now, and I was going to talk to B about setting some boundaries but he apparently beat me to the punch. We spoke today after he left the office and he admitted that he found himself wanting to kiss me multiple times. I said I respected him and that this wouldn’t change how I see him (a mentor) but we need to put a stop to it right now. I told him he’s looking for something he’s not getting in his marriage, and he needs to talk to someone. He agreed, and I said we wouldn’t hug anymore or get too close.
I never thought I would be in this situation. I’m not even sure what advice I’m looking for. He would never force himself on me or anything, he’s not that kind of guy and he knows I carry a taser at all times. I guess I ignored it because I’ve never been particularly desirable as I grew up fat and still am, so I don’t know how to navigate this. I also cant leave because I get paid very well and know I won’t find another opportunity like this in this field.
16 comments
It sounds like you set a clear boundary with him, so as long as he respects that and you’re okay continuing work with what you now know. There’s honestly nothing much left to navigate.
Your boss was definitely inappropriate, but he at least owned up to it, to some very small extent (edit: his behavior leading up to his confession was red flag after flag, but like you said, I could see how it took so long for you to realize what’s going on, he worded/masked his behavior cleverly). So I suppose that’s a crossroads you are at: sue the shit out of him (if possible after consulting a lawyer), blow up his life (and yours to some extent) or keep your job. He wouldn’t be undeserving of the former, but the latter may work out best. It’s up to how you feel. How offended are you and how far are you prepared to go.
I am a man in my 50’s. Right from the moment he said he was a family man and “a bit touchy” he was being creepy. With that statement and the entire time since then, and that includes all the talk about his wife and their relationship, he has been softening you up. ‘Grooming’ is a pretty good word to describe what he has been doing to you this entire time. Every conversation, touch and action has been escalating and pushing the boundaries.
What do you do? You start looking for another job. I know you say you are paid well, but you are shutting him down and putting firm boundaries in place, and now the relationship will sour. Its inevitable. There is no HR department. There is no senior management. You need to start job hunting.
RED FLAGS GALORE right from the jump.
>B has told me from the beginning that he’s a family man, and that he’s a bit touchy (such as loves hugs, will pat you on the shoulder for encouragement, etc.) and if I wasn’t comfortable with something he did or said to please let him know. He’s always been respectful and told me he doesn’t want to disrespect me or make me feel uncomfortable.
There is no need to have said any of that except to have deniability later.
NOPE NOPE NOPE. Get out of there.
>I also cant leave because I get paid very well and know I won’t find another opportunity like this in this field.
Says who? If you are worth being paid so much then your skills would be in demand, no?
GET OUT OF THERE. This “touchy” late-50s “family man” who hugs his 19-year-old employee AT ALL is a fucking creep.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR!
New job time. This is creepy. He’s 30 years older than you AND he’s your boss. This could get weirder than it already is. Start putting resumes out there today.
Job hunt **silently**. Don’t tell them you’re looking for work until you’re already gone. You don’t owe them anything. You give them labor in return for money. If that was all it was you were even. But, he came on to you and disturbed your ability to work peaceably. So, fuck him (figuratively).
2nd) don’t expect his wife to help you. She won’t. She’s just as likely to burn you, her life is on the line here too. She will burn you as collateral damage to protect her financial interests if necessary or she’ll burn you to keep working on reconciliation… It doesn’t matter, she’s not your ally here.
3rd) I’m not in my 50’s, I’m in my mid-30’s, that said as a man I find it very difficult to sexulize women anywhere near the age of 19 that I actually know. The age gap from my age to 19 is huge (his age gap is bigger) when I interact with a 19 year old, whom I know and am friendly with (not to mention one I am responsible for because I employ them) I cannot not see a young woman who is dramatically more vulnerable, naive, and unsure of herself than I am. Not a child… but, certainly a person I feel some obligation to look out for a little.
If your boss has the opposite reaction to that, then you’re boss is a scumbag and you frankly can’t trust his moral judgement – so bail and find a mentor that will actually help you.
GIRL GET OUT
Job ain’t worth it. Quit and tell the wife what he said on your way out.
Agreed with all the comments that recommend looking for a new job immediately. When I was in my early 20’s I had a similar experience, however the guy I worked with was mid 30’s. He would talk to me about his relationship issues and asked if we could meet up outside of work to talk. I never encouraged any of this, never asked him questions, just tried to be polite. I left asap after a work trip where he took photos of me (long-range, had no idea they were being taken) then framed them and gave them to me. Super creepy. It was a small office, 6 of us, and I was too nervous to speak up. I left as soon as I could and don’t regret the decision. This man is grooming you. He wants your sympathy so when he does force a kiss on you, he can say he’s sorry and it will never happen again and he is just so confused about his marriage and his feeling. Get a new job. Then tell his wife. No reference is worth your dignity.
Tell him you looking for a blind date, ask if he have any grand son
Gross
Please tell an adult you trust about this!!
Go to askamanager.org she has tons of job hunting advice. You absolutely need to get out of there because there is no way this won’t turn ugly either with the boss the wife or more than likely both.
You think the 50 year old creep who’s hugging his 19 year old employee is not the type to force himself on you? The fact that he knows you carry a taser even makes it worse. Please for the love of god, leave that job
I think you were a mark. Meaning, he chose you specifically because you’re a young 19 year old girl that he could try to groom. That’s the only reason him saying he was “touchy” at the beginning makes sense. It sounds like he was trying to get you more and more used to him touching you until he could move in for more. I think you should quit immediately. Tell your parents what happened if they’re in your life, and see if they can help you as well.
You are not paid well enough for that. Period.
You do need to leave. This will only escalate, and boundaries like that cannot be un-crossed. He has sexually harassed (yes, legally he has) you for quite some time now, and the only recourse is for you to leave before it escalates.