Before I get into it. I will say no one should be pressured to have sex!! NOBODY!! With that said, there is something that has crossed my mind in which i want to give my opinion and see the opinions of others. So, when in a monogamous relationship, if one partner is not in the mood for sex, for whatever reason (any reason is valid and no reason is also valid) why is it okay to not allow the other partner to have his/her/their sexual needs met from someone else? I’m constantly hearing people talking about “if I’m not in the mood for a short or long period of time, then that’s that and through communication, the other partner doesn’t have their needs met. Or “ he/she doesn’t respect me or value me if he/she cannot understand that I’m not in the mood” and if a partner puts their humanly needs to the side, then he/she loves me..aka “proof” of love. It never made sense to me, it’s like the proof of love is ripping away the basic needs that many humans have. Like, if one partner is depressed or going through some issues in which they are not in the mood, that is perfectly fine!! By if that’s the case, then why not allow the other to go elsewhere to have those needs met? I feel like there’s this control aspect from both or multiple parties on sex. Like, one person can be depressed and you can be there for them and be there though everything but they can’t have their basic sexual needs met outside because it’s either ME or the fact that they can’t hold in their urges means they don’t love you. Idk it seems that there is a bigger issue there than what meets the eyes. Please give me your thoughts as i find this interesting 🙂
13 comments
You have a woefully misguided view of depression and how it effects people.
If you want to be non monogamous then be non mono. It’s literally that easy, although it might involve a breakup
Theres a difference between using your depression or the like as a reason to not have sex, and completely ignoring the needs of your partner and the effort that goes into maintaining intimacy. You dont need to have sex to make your partner feel wanted and desired, but if you arent even willing to do that then its a relationship problem not a sex problem.
This goes the other way as well. If you arent willing to make the effort to love your partner and support them through whatever makes them feel like they dont want sex, and maybe find a solution together. Then why be together?
If you love someone and are invested in the relationship, why do you need to go somewhere else for sexual needs?
And if the sexual acts cant be improved or compromised (open relationship, swinging, whatever) because of whatever reason, and you need something more. You need to accept the relationship has probably come to an end.
Monogamy literally means devoted to one person. If thats not enough. Then its (or you) not monogamous. And that’s also okay!
But consent is needed to opening the relationship. And again, if one person doesn’t want that and the sex can’t get to a point both are happy with. You can love someone with all your heart, but its time for it to end.
Logically what you’re saying makes sense. Sometimes life is more complicated than logical thinking can accommodate. In making yourself vulnerable enough to love someone it can create insecurities if you either have a past with people with bad intentions or just the fear of being taken advantage of. This isn’t a black and white issue as emotions come into play and that throws logic right out the window.
I’m not interested in “having my needs met” by someone else. My “needs” aren’t having my dick touched, if I need to rub one out I’ve got a Tenga Spinner in the nightstand. My “needs” are about intimacy with my partner, and if she’s not in the mood for sex then I’m okay cuddling on the couch for a movie, it satisfies the same feelings.
You specifically asked about this in relation to a MONOGAMOUS relationship, hence, anything outside of that relationship is a no go because you AGREED to be monogamous. If you feel there is nothing wrong with going outside of the relationship for your sexual needs, then you should not be in a monogamous relationship, and you should be in an open relationship.
Masturbation is always an option. If you find that you’re unsatisfied by masturbation as an option when your partner is not in the mood, maybe monogamy is not for you. That’s fine, but it means you can only be with people who also want to be non-monogamous.
OP, I fully understand your question and some here are focussed on the depression part of your question.
Your question is about monogamy and the dynamics of sex in a monogamous relationship.
I have asked the question and let me qualify that people should not have sex they don’t want.
I have often framed it this way.
You enter into a monogamous relationship and at some point (not for medical or reasons of mental health) one partner ends being intimate and stops having sex.
The parties have agreed that they will not go outside the relationship for sex and intimacy. What is the party that is not getting their needs met supposed to do?
If going outside the relationship isn’t an option, the only option that exists is to end the relationship. This is the logical progression.
Yeah you could ask to open the relationship, but when you ask that you should be prepared to end it if that conversation goes bad.
Ok so here is the thing. Part of being in a monogamous relationship is directly trading the availability of multiple partners for the increased security that monogamy brings. Less std risks. 2 gaurenteed parents of any pregnancies. Along with dozens of other advantages. So you agree to only meet your sexual needs with eachother or by yourself. Here is one part of your question that is very flawed. You said they are not allowed to get their needs met by others. First of all not a single person has ever died from not having a sex partner. Having a sex partner is not actually a need. It is a desire. Second is that they aren’t allowed to seek other partners. You are always allowed to go fuck anyone you want. However you just won’t have a partner when they find out. They have the right to walk away at any time.
You cant say someone is not allowing someone to do something when that person agreed to those terms in order to gain something from that person. Their own agreement is all that is preventing it.
You don’t HAVE to have sex in a given time. I’ve deployed twice not having sex for 9 months at a time, guess what I masturbated and didn’t die. If you’re in a monogamous committed relationship no you don’t deserve to fuck other people just because you want to orgasm. If your needs aren’t being met then you can end the relationship but you aren’t entitled to agree to monogamous exclusivity and then also say you HAVE to fuck other people. You just have to make the choice if sex as often as you’d like is more important than your relationship.
It’s simply a convention. In a monogamous relationship both partners choose to be exclusive to each other. All it comes down to is that it’s an agreement, that includes the fact that going outside of your couple for sex is out of the table. Just like if you have some emotional desires that your partner is unable to meet, it is not acceptable to enter a romantic relationship with someone else.
If you think that monogamy has to do with control and that you should be able to have your sexual needs met outside of your relationship, then you should find a different arrangement than a monogamous relationship.
it’s up to both partners to work on communication and not dismiss the other person. That is the balance of any relationship. You shouldn’t have to have sex if you’re not feeling it. however you should be willing to discuss with your partner their needs, and make an effort to make sure their needs are being met. and that doesn’t just pertain to sex.
our sex life is excellent but that isn’t to say there haven’t been dry spells, mostly me but sometimes my husband just isn’t able to due to work, or stress or just schedules and kids etc. but when we have that “need” we are open to discuss it and we trust our partner to be open and honest and make some type of effort. it’s not always easy but sometimes just making a little extra effort can make all the difference. if your partner is unable to and has no concern for you then you likely have other issues going on.
If one partner lost all interest in sex and there were no other mitigating factors the question would be, why?
Losing attraction or lost libido, has a root cause that should be the goal for the couple to finding a solution. Seeking sex outside the relationship wouldn’t fix the problem, unless both parties agreed to a poly or to open the relationship. Sometimes couples can make this work, both gain sexual freedom, emphasis on both partners, so they can both go outside the relationship to get their needs met, or it won’t work.
Um, you are absolutely 100% free to go get your sexual needs met by someone else. That would just require breaking up with the partner first.
You’re asking about monogamous relationships, and you’re basically asking “why aren’t they more like open relationships?”. Seems like a silly question to me, but maybe I’m misunderstanding.