I’m a senior in college right now, and a lot of my friends are struggling to find jobs right now and I can tell that they feel really discouraged. I want to be there for them and support them, but I don’t really know how to do that or what to say.
I feel a bit of survivor’s guilt since somehow I was able to find a job in this dreadful economy, so when the topic comes up I try and reassure my friends that it’s not their fault that they don’t have a job, and that I only have a job because I got lucky … but I don’t think that’s what they want to hear.
I am afraid that these conversations have been really self-centered so far (the root cause is since I am a horrible listener), but I truly care for my friends and don’t want to sour any more relationships since I can’t seem to handle this topic with empathy and care. Should I just hope the topic changes and stay quiet as they tell me about their fears and recruitment struggles? How can I stop hurting my friends and salvage these relationships before it’s too late?
2 comments
Have you considered possibly referring your friends to the place where you work ?
> I try and reassure my friends that it’s not their fault that they don’t have a job, and that I only have a job because I got lucky … but I don’t think that’s what they want to hear.
I know you’re trying to be kind & empathetic. But please don’t repeat this to yourself; you’ll start to believe it after a while, and that’s only going to undermine your confidence in & respect for yourself. And I think ultimately “it’s not your fault” doesn’t help, because it’s a platitude. What really helps is either cheering someone up through distraction (ie getting together & focusing on some fun activity) or having a real conversation with them– where you’re asking questions that lead the person to share more of their story with you, until they’ve been able to say whatever they need to say. And that’s not easy. The most important thing is that they feel understood. And I don’t think everyone has the ability to make people feel that way.
It involves asking questions until you fully understand what they’re saying, giving your opinion– especially when asked for, or in a short enough way that they remain the focus of the conversation– it’s offering problem solving, if you truly understand their situation to the point that you see gaps in their understanding of an issue, something they overlooked, or emotional/illogical thinking (such as them writing off possible solutions due to depressive thinking or being hypercritical of themselves)– and it’s offering platitudes in small amounts, in the right places. I’ll fully admit I **suck** at this, 9.9/10 times– and I’m guessing that’s what you mean by saying you’re not a good listener.
I think this is a skill that can be improved upon, probably starting with taking a moment before you speak to think about what you’d like someone to say, if the roles were reversed. Rather than worrying about what to say. You (your friend) just expressed that you’re worried you even picked the right career path. It’s not going to feel better to hear someone devalue the job they found. It doesn’t help for someone to try to wrap up their shitty situation with some optimistic thing like, “well, at least you enjoyed getting your degree, right?”
I’m not sure what the right thing to say is. Just that leaning into this way of thinking about what somebody says might help.