Hi,
To give a bit of context, I’ve been in a relationship for the last 3 months with my current girlfriend (21F) which has been long-distance after the first month. I met her during a month-long trip to another city. Things have been going well, we talk all the time and make time on most days for a long video call. It’s important to note she lives in another city quite a distance away so we haven’t met after the first month.
Back in mid 2021, I started talking with a girl (20F) from my university. We clicked pretty well instantly and spent loads of time together (mostly online due to COVID). I developed feelings for her and whenever I tried to express the same to her, she took it jokingly to avoid discussing it too much and well, I played along. She told me she wasn’t able to commit to someone in a relationship, in terms of the responsibilities and attachment it brought along. It’s also important to know she had broken up with her ex a few months back (who I’m now quite good friends with, so yay for that?). Anyways, I accepted her answer and backed off a bit while still talking to her. My feelings for her never really went away but perhaps wavered/subsided.
After coming back to uni from the trip, I’ve found myself feeling strongly about her. We have a running joke of “flirting” with each other (though it’s mostly me using cheesy pickup lines & her reactions to it). This has left me in a bit of a mess. Do I tell her how I feel about her? I also really feel strongly about my girlfriend but maybe the distance is dampening that a bit. Do I suppress these feelings for the other girl and focus on my girlfriend? I don’t want to hurt her by ending the relationship but maybe it’s the right thing to do instead of tagging her along. Even if I do end things with my girlfriend, I know it doesn’t necessarily mean I get to be with the other girl. In fact, I’m not sure if she’s completely over her ex – I’m friends with the ex who is definitely not over her and perhaps might even be a better “fit” for her than me. So yeah, confusion is abound.
tl;dr: Feelings about girlfriend and another girl, do I tell or suppress?
4 comments
You might want to break up with your girlfriend. She deserves someone who isn’t partially in love with someone else. This is basically the Pam-Jim-Karen Situation from The Office. It’s unfair to not be 100% honest about your feelings, both to your girlfriend and yourself. Would you want to be with someone who is currently flirting with another man whom she had and still has strong feelings for? Also, long distance needs a lot of commitment and honesty. You are neither committed nor honest, and this relationship is super fresh. It also doesn’t even sound like you have any strong feelings for your girlfriend, especially in comparison to the feelings you have for the other girl. You keep going on about the other girl, that’s why I’m not really buying your “I have strong feelings for my girlfriend”, you know?
Break up and break off contact with the other girl. She will most likely never be available and you will take much longer to get over her if you stick around.
If you wait even longer, then you’ll go from a small emotional affair to a large emotional affair and then probably to a physical affair if the other girl ever shows you a little bit of attention. This isn’t fair to you, your girlfriend or this girl. Time to take your leave and get over both of them. Take it as a lesson to not continue contact with exes or people you have had strong feelings for (that you haven’t gotten over while you were single around them).
First off, focus on your own feelings before adding “what ifs.” Who do you feel more strongly about? Do you take time to prioritize your LDR? If not, I would try doing that first before making your ultimate decision, you might find that the sparks come back for your gf. Remember, you made a commitment to your gf, not to anyone else.
What you describe sounds more than an innocent crush and pretty close to emotional cheating to me because you’re actively flirting with the other girl. If you decide to stay with your girlfriend, you need to cut that out cuz it’s not fair for your gf. I would also suggest spending less time with the other girl as well to help dissipate (not suppress) your feelings for the other girl.
If you choose the other girl..which might not even happen so really you’re just choosing freedom to flirt with anyone, then you need to break up with you gf honestly.
If you ask me, sounds like you got a good thing going with the girlfriend so I would focus more on her since she’s absolutely into you, you don’t really know if the other girl is.
If you’re having any sort of hesitation about your girlfriend because of this other girl, just please break up with her. If you truly loved her, you wouldn’t have any of those thoughts in the first place.
Pretend you are single right now. You don’t have a gf and you are free to date anyone you want.
What would you do? Pursue this girl in a LDR? Or this girl you’re flirting with? Or someone else entirely, or be single?