My girlfriend of about 3 years and I are having issues.
I will preface this with: I still care about this woman and I don’t want to hurt her. And I think I still love her but I’m not in love with her. And I believe she feels the same way.
I was going to break up with her tonight but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She’s in a LOT of emotional pain right now and I didn’t want to contribute to it. We actually ended up going out and had a good time. But I couldn’t bring myself to kiss her at all.
Recently she had something bad happen to a family member and I was not be there for her. I tried in the beginning but she kept saying “maybe tomorrow you can stop by”. And gave me the idea she didn’t want to see me. I told her I understand and let me know when I should come by.
I had been trying work on being better with expressing emotions and support and made a little progress after reading NVC. So I tried to use what I learned. But after almost a week of her telling me not to see her I’m getting frustrated.
She comes by a few days later and I don’t even know what to say. So I’m kinda detached. Like I get she’s in pain but it felt like she didn’t want me. Afterwards she felt my detachment she got mad/sad and told me I can’t help her (she told me this later). After she said that I just stopped caring completely. Like I can’t even empathize with her after that.
Today she told me she desperately wanted me to comfort her and her grief and anger was making he say she wanted to be alone. I get and understand. And i thought to just come by. But I was put off and just wanted to listen to her.
My frustration was compounded with my unresolved feelings of never feeling good enough for her. I would try to please her and sacrifice my needs if it helped her. (I realize now that this I’d unhealthy. But it’d outstanding issue.) But I felt I was always short. The way I talked (I’m nuero atypical), expressing emotions , deeper conversations, and other things, not doing alot. She’s really sensitive and I try to take account for that but I’m just fucking up all the time. I keep trying to change and get better at the relationship but I can’t it feels like.
we haven’t slept together for a while(5 months?) because my physical limitations and I don’t feel comfortable being intimate with her. I feel I’m always fucking it up. Or saying sexy stuff at the wrong time and getting rebuffed, but then she’s dissapointed when I’m not in the mood or able. It got to a point where I would just masterbait because it was easier. And that upset her too.
It’s doubly compounded because I had been depressed up until recently. And I had neglected the relationship for above reasons and me not communicating my needs.
And when she got a job I knew she was going to feel more confident and distant. We had talked and she was saying if things don’t change she’s gonna leave me. Which I get but I was kinda mad because all through covid I supported her in ANYTHING she wanted/needed. She didn’t have much of a job. And then she said she didn’t want to leave me while I’m down bad though.
I get I have short comings. I do, and I’m trying. But I always feel short. And I 1000% understand this is my point of view and feelings. And of course there’s incomplete info here.
I’m trying to figure out. Can this actually work? If I tell her EVERYTHING that’s bothering me and both our needs get met, can I actually fall in love with her again? Because right now we feel like we’re good friends. We still get along and laugh for the most part.
I hate to fucking say it but I don’t even know if I care about her. I really feel she doesn’t like me. Only that I’m the only guy in her life that isn’t a piece of shit. So that she likes that but not actually me.
When I’m with her I want us to be together. When I’m alone I don’t know.
TL;DR: 3 year relationship feels completely dead. Tried to break up and couldn’t because I felt bad. I feel Not much for her because of unresolved relationship problems. Is it possible to get a genuine loving spark back?