Update for the post below by edit, since I don’t know any other way.
So, first thank you all for the comments. I feel unsure after I’ve been alone for 2+ years, outside opinions help me get outside valuable perspectives.
I decided to just talk to him. I told him that I saw he is still using tinder and I just wanted to clarify our views for the relationship. Perhaps he wanted to date some more, or changed his mind. I can respect that. He was very open to the discussion, reassured me and said he didn’t really use tinder anymore, but he will delete it. We both agreed to delete it, so I did. I didn’t check him, he said he did so I believed.
The rest of the period was as usual, we would meet sometimes for lunch, spend some evenings together, we always planned them ahead and we followed through. Last week we made plans for a few days trip, to a favorite place of mine on the mountains (it is a restaurant at the end of a short 60’ trekking). I was excited, he seemed too.
I am giving these details to point that he seemed a good person, serious and open. However, since Tuesday he became less communicative, and by yesterday my anxiety was through the roof. I kept to myself, just normally checking in to see if everything is well, his answers were non detailed, which was very unusual. I ordered something for him and I asked when he is home for the courier to drop it (was a surprise, something he wanted) and he said he’s gone all day (yesterday). No details.
I asked later if we spend the evening together (like we do every thursday) and he said his friend invited him for dinner so he can’t. Mind you, I was supposed to go there at 23:00. The friend that invited him for dinner lives in an apartment with 2 little kids (3,5). I imagined the dinner ends early, but alas perhaps not.
The courier went to his address again at 20:00 and I called him to check if he is home. He rejected and didn’t call back at all. The whole day I couldn’t eat and work properly. In the evening, at 22:00, I had to get myself answers, I drove to his place and saw that he was home. While I was contemplating how stupid I am, he goes out, all arranged hurried to go, well, somewhere. He stopped at the supermarket first, to put something little and square in his pocket. Not a wallet, he carries his phone for payments…
I went to my friend, not to be alone. And today he is messaging me like nothing happened to meet for lunch. I oscillated between telling him that I saw him last night or ignore him. I decided to ignore. And move on.
Worst part is that I feel I deserve this for being so stupid.
Thanks again. Lesson learned to listen to intuition.
Anxiety or intuition in dating and how can I tell them apart from datingoverthirty
Tldr: you were right fellow redditors.
8 comments
I’m confused by your conclusion (as well as what you mean by the past commenters were “right” since there were varied responses, many pointing out your hypocrisy).
So he said he had dinner with a friend on Thursday, then you staked out his house, and indeed he was rushing out to an event around the time of a late dinner. But you say things like intuition and stuff as if you’ve been cheated on.
We have no idea if he is cheating on you. You seem to be assuming that the friend would have dinner early due to young kids, but you have no evidence for that. In fact, my friends who are parents almost always wait until kids are in bed so we can have dinner and play bored [EDIT: typo, board] games while they are asleep. If I show up earlier, the kiddos will be excited for guests and never sleep ha ha.
You may need to talk to someone, a trustworthy secure friend or therapist. Both to support you in this breakup, but to really work on your anxiety and cutting to conclusions. I do think a breakup is a good thing though — staking out someone’s house and jumping to conclusions means that you probably aren’t yet ready for a relationship, which is okay, many people aren’t.
So this was a guy who is leaving in 6 months, is not in a place to commit, is possibly seeing other people… And you got a courier to deliver stuff to his place so you could “spy” on him, drove to his home without his knowledge and followed/observed him to see what he gets up to, to try and “catch” him with someone else even though it was established you guys are exclusive? And from what I understood you haven’t even had sex with him?
You gotta work on yourself and see a therapist. This is super anxious behaviour to a point where to a non-anxious person it can seem downright crazy. Like, this kind of stuff will actively fuck up your relationships and will hinder you from developing healthy connections with partners, from the way it sounds like to an internet stranger.
You need to be more honest with what you want from your relationships/potential sexual partners, communicate those needs clearly and concisely to others, and be willing to walk away if those needs can’t be met. None of this driving yourself crazy and spying on some dude you’ve known for a couple of months! You’re torturing yourself and coming off as weird. Being able to trust people is a core ability when forming meaningful relationships and I don’t think you’re there.
YIKES
Whether or not someone is being faithful, if someone makes you feel and act this way, I wouldn’t suggest continuing a relationship with them. It’s not a healthy way to live.
In the kindest possible way, please seek therapy, OP. There are spouses after decades of marriage that don’t go as far as you did when they suspect infidelity.
My belief is if you don’t do the work into the root of these anxieties and behaviours, you will continue the cycle with future meaningful connections.
You were “spying” on him? That demonstrates your lack of trust in him even though, from what you’ve said, he’s done nothing to merit this treatment. And you stopped eating because of his lack of long texts?
This is a YOU problem. Why even get into this relationship knowing it’a very likely short term? How will you cope with anxiety when he moves when you can’t even deal with one night of being apart?
This is not anxiety, this is controlling and stalking. In your last post you were monitoring his tinder activity, this time you’re staking out his house. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute, does it sound normal to you? If I knew someone was doing this to me I would start worrying about my safety.
You made the right decision to move on though.
reverse the genders and we got some serial killer looking behaviour here.