Husband (38), knew his grandma was at the end of her life and I (f 39) was asking him if he wanted to visit her. I was pressuring him to say goodbye. 1 1/2 half years ago she was getting sick and I asked him if he was gonna visit and he said he would rather go to her funeral. He told me he got it and to drop it when I was asking this weekend If he wanted to visit her, (she was entering hospice), family lives across the country. I told him to tell his dad and his dad would help him pay for ticket. (We also can afford it) He told me not to talk to him about it. I asked him if he would rather go to her funeral and tried to plead with him to be with her instead of just showing up for the after part. It seemed he was taking his emotionally immature’s father lead and was in an unspoken understanding that was the plan, even though he wouldn’t express it to me. I just heard him get invited by his dad now that grandma is passed. Husband is going to her funeral. I don’t have the objectivity to see if i was pushing him to grieve my way or did I marry a mismatch because we don’t have the same life values and I don’t think he’s courageous enough to comfort someone and express love the way I want in my death? How to cope and is there a way to express this to him lovingly?
T.L.;DR Husband thinks funeral is more important than visiting someone in life
6 comments
Look, you definitely overstepped your boundaries and you definitely over pushed the issue, but it’s not unreasonable to be concerned about this happening at the end of your own life.
But instead of being an adult and just saying “I’m concerned that this may happen when I am dying” you repeatedly tried to push him to do something he was clearly very uncomfortable with and on something that is also a very serious matter for a lot of people.
Just grow up and say what you’re actually worried about.
EDIT: you also haven’t mentioned anything about the relationship with Grandma. We don’t know, and maybe you don’t either, if she was horrible to him in life. I know my ex’s grandma passed away and her dad pressured her to go to the funeral. She had a horrible time and it was all around awful because she was just glad this horrible old woman was finally gone, but the whole extended family were still horrible to her.
Since it was his grandma why is it so important for him to do it your way? You’ve been badgering him and that’s not very supportive of his decision. You don’t know what their relationship was.
Let him grieve how he wants to. It’s his Grandma. You’re absolutely overstepping here. You didn’t mention anything about his relationship with his grandma so I’m going to assume you don’t know what it was like. Maybe it was really bad. Maybe it was really good. Maybe he didn’t want his memory of who she was altered by seeing her in that state. No matter what his reasons for not going earlier were, it’s no longer your business and it’s kind of ridiculous of you to be questioning your entire marriage because of this.
It’s not your place to control his relationships or how he grieves. That’s a major boundary violation on your part. You trying to be protective a) doesn’t work and b) comes at the expense of his autonomy. Instead, a supportive position would maybe be bringing it up once or twice by just letting him know the money is available if he wants to go, etc. You’re calling his family emotionally immature, but it’s not an emotionally intelligent position you’re taking to know what’s best for him, try to sway him, or to not drop it when asked.
some people find it incredibly difficult to face loved ones when in very bad condition. he made it clear you needed to drop the subject and kept pushing. and the fact that you brought up your own death is weird. what is there to cope with? what is there to express? just learn how to support someone instead of forcing everything to be your way.
I wouldn’t assume he’d do the same to you at the end of your life. Do you even know what the relationship is like between him and his grandmother? Some people don’t like their birth families, it happens.