I moved into student accommodation in September, in which I was one of four girls and one boy housemate. The atmosphere in the apartment was lovely, and everybody got on very well. We soon became a little friend group, doing craft nights and cooking dinners together. Most of these group interactions were encouraged/planned by one of our housemates, Leah, who admitted that she had no friends for the past two years and was clearly enjoying the camaraderie of the apartment.
Very quickly, she and her only male housemate became incredibly flirty. It got to the point where people thought they were a couple, and we were just waiting for them to get together. We all gently reminded Leah that it was probably a bad idea to get involved with a housemate, and that she was a pretty girl who had her pick of men other than the man she lived with. She reassured us that she would never get with our house space because he was younger than her by three years, that he was childish and she was touchy and flirty with all her friends, regardless of age. That was just the way she was.
We all believed this, until we realized that our male housemate was sleeping in her bed at least two times a week. As her friends, we inquired about this but she insisted that they were still friends and she shared beds with other male friends in the past. At this point, the rest of us in the house were worried, as our male housemate is a bit of a player and Leah has severe mental health issues that could easily be influenced by being in a relationship with somebody like our male housemate. However, we said our little pieces as her friend and then left them to it, as they were adults.
Two days ago, Leah told us that she and her male housemate were dating. I wasn’t shocked that they had gotten together and they revealed that they had had sex a week ago I’m not told anyone, but I was genuinely shocked that they used the word ‘dating’, as our male housemate have never seemed interested in a relationship but rather than sex. This isn’t necessarily surprising, since Leah talks about her sex life and her BDSM kink a lot. Our housemate probably thought she was only wanting sex with him, since this was the main thing she emphasized, as well as saying she didn’t want a serious relationship.
However, they are now exclusive and being very touchy feely in the public kitchen and sitting room. It is already creating a weird atmosphere in the house, especially since Leah looks a bit embarrassed every time our male housemate tries to grab her breasts or touch her lower regions in front of us. Because of this, my housemates and I are feeling like third wheels in the public areas and have started doing things without the couple, such as eating in our bedrooms instead of the kitchen and not spending as much time with them watching TV and things like this. This would be OK if the couple were OK with this, but Leah is now getting pissed off at us because we are not wanting to spend as much time with them as we used to. The reality is, after a long day of university, you don’t necessarily want to watch a couple mount each other, which is what is happening right now as the relationship is new.
I can already tell that the three other housemates, including myself, are going to spend more time as just the three of us, and two of my housemates have already said they don’t want to do the craft night that was planned by Leah for next week. Leah is starting to get really annoyed at us and upset, but my housemates and I think that she should understand that if she and our male housemate wants to be so public with their rather intense sexual relationship, and even just be lovey dovey all the time, they should understand that not everybody in the house wants to witness it.
We all genuinely hope that they have a happy relationship, although many issues already would points to otherwise, but I think Leah should understand the ramifications of their choice. The whole dynamic in the apartment has changed, but Leah seems annoyed at us because we are not pretending that it is the same as it used to be. For example, one of my housemates who always eats dinner with Leah decided to eat dinner in her bedroom last night, because she wasn’t in the mood to 3rd wheel and watch the couple be so handsy with each other. Leah then became very upset at my housemate, and was nearly in tears.
Are my housemates and I wrong, or should Leah understand that the dynamic has changed due to their decision?
25 comments
You need to have a conversation when everyone sits down, and you guys say along the lines of “We really are happy for your new relationship. We respect your choice to do that. We have not felt respected by you engaging in inappropriately intimate acts in front of us, as if you are the only ones who live here. You make us uncomfortable when you do that. The touching you do is inappropriate, and we would like you to stop doing that outside of your private rooms. It makes us feel trapped in our own rooms because we are uncomfortable. No one hates anyone, but we need things to change.”
It’s not unreasonable to ask them to act appropriately in common/shared areas of the place.
If they have an issue with that, they need to move out and get their own place.
all i can ask is, when is your lease up? this is a ticking time bomb for your home comfort. it starts with uncomfortable, and only stays there provided they never break up or have an argument.
Leah (and your male housemate, if he cares, though I don’t get the impression from your post that he does,) need to hear why things are changing.
They have changed what is happening in common areas, which are now the site of gropefests, and their housemates are responding to that change.
They can either return the common area dynamics to what they were before (which is pretty simple, stop groping each other) or they can accept that you all will do as you need to in order to feel comfortable in your own house, which will likely mean leaving the area, or eventually not even going to wherever they are to avoid being exposed to it.
Also, as another commenter said, have a plan to move so that you can communicate it well in advance of the lease ending.
Finally, don’t agree to room with a player next time. This was a likely outcome from the jump.
Too much drama, I agree with most of the rest. Look when your lease is up and do what you can to make things better until then. All a recipe for an uncomfortable living situation
Even if any of your housemates, or you, were to bring home a partner, it’d be right to expect that any PDA would kept to a minimum. They seem to be under the impression that it’s ok as you all know each other. However, you don’t explicitly state that anyone has confronted them about it.
Hasn’t anyone replied to Leah’s complaining that the PDA is the issue?
Everyone has a responsibility to be mindful that they’re sharing a space, but you also have a responsibility to raise any issues with others.
If you all continue avoiding the issue, or Leah and bf/fwb ignore the issue, then the arrangement will end. Does anyone want that?
> I think that she should understand that if she and our male housemate wants to be so public with their rather intense sexual relationship, and even just be lovey dovey all the time, they should understand that not everybody in the house wants to witness it.
I think you and your roommates need to put on your grown-up pants and say this out loud to her instead of just hoping and praying that she magically figures it out
PDA is too much and a good boundary to set but y’all just seem way out of line treating her like a baby. And it seems like you guys dislike the dude even before this.
Let it go. Tell them to knock the PDA off and move out when you can
Have you guys tried sitting them both down and talking to them about this?
Nope. Leah and her bf are involving you guys in their sex life without your consent and that is NOT ok. Holding hands, an occasional kiss, or cuddling on the couch are all fine behaviors in front of others. Being overly handsy and lovey dovey is just annoying and gross to do in front of people and you should know not to do that if you want others around. Grabbing breasts, crotches, hard core make outs and the like are all sexual and should not be done in front of others without their consent.
I don’t know whether the whole house should have a convo about this and what is/isn’t appropriate. Or if just one person should talk to the couple. What they’re doing is not cool. And I have no idea how Leah doesn’t see that her actions with her bf are what’s alienating her from her roommates.
That’s nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with their PDA, but the 3 of you are handling the issue poorly. You all need to sit down and have a conversation about what’s okay in public areas of the apartment and what isn’t instead of behaving like passive aggressive mean girls.
Leah has been friendless for 2 years. She’s not picking up on the hints you are throwing out Avoiding mealtimes and flaking on plans are not good alternatives to talking and it’s left her in tears.
>It is already creating a weird atmosphere in the house, especially since Leah looks a bit embarrassed every time our male housemate tries to grab her breasts or touch her lower regions in front of us.
Oh my god, y’all should have called this out right away. If she can’t see what’s wrong, spell it out in plain terms. “We’re not comfortable being around you two because he keeps groping your breasts and ass/pussy in front of us. You both know that’s fucked up, so why are you two doing SEXUAL acts in front of us without our consent?”
Seriously though, it’s insanely gross that they’re engaging in PDA of that degree. That’s far from handholding, hugging, a quick smooch, etc. It honestly sounds like the guy enjoys and/or even gets off to doing these things in front of y’all. If he’s a player, it’s unlikely that he’s so socially oblivious to know to not feel his girlfriend up in the company of others
You guys just need to have it out as a group. Asking them to keep PDA to a minimum in shared spaces is not going to start WW3, it’s a reasonable request and something they should have had the common sense to do in the first place.
have you told Leah how you and the rest of your roommates are feeling? this is a pretty key piece of information. if you haven’t communicated why you’re starting to exclude them and not socialize with them as a couple as much, you need to do that ASAP.
their relationship doesn’t need to impact your household this much. give them a chance to change their actions and respect your boundaries, instead of expecting them to read your minds
Have you guys explained to them that their PDA is the reason you guys are spending less time with them? Or do you expect them to figure it out for themselves? Just tell them the reason and if they keep doing it then they can’t be mad. If they make efforts to lessen the PDA then maybe you’ll feel at ease again, but you cant expect her to figure it out for heralded. Tell them and if they keep doing it then at least they know why.
What is the dude saying? Is he prompting Leah to push everyone else because he likes having an audience? Did he have some fantasy about what would happen while living with four female roommates?
PDA should be limited to their private rooms, in my opinion. Sounds like all of you need a “House Meeting” and some honest, blunt conversation.
House meeting time.
“Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. First, Leah and BF, please know that everyone here is totally fine with you two dating. It’s none of our business, but as friends, we are happy if you two are happy. Yes, it shifts the dynamic of our home a bit, but again, we are happy if you two are happy. What is making things very uncomfortable for the rest of us isn’t that you are dating, but the types of PDA that are happening. Grabbing each other’s breasts/ass/genitals while in the common areas are not ok. It wouldn’t be ok if it were one of us and someone from outside the apartment, and it isn’t ok in this situation. You two are of course going to be affectionate, especially because things are new. But can we all agree to generally keeping PDA for all of us in the apartment to levels of a quick kiss and some hand holding? Keep the more PG-13 and R rated stuff for behind our personal bedroom doors.”
I know this couple, we all know a couple like this, and it is impossible to be around.
One time, I was talking to one of the couple, and in the middle of them saying a sentence, their partner walked up and starting kissing them. So I looked away- obviously- and down at my phone, and then after 2 minutes of frenching, they were all “oh did we embarrass you, do you not like affection, blah blah.” I still think about that, because I couldn’t care less about kissing, but I was in the middle of a conversation!
So that’s my story. Sitting watching tv with people grabbing boobs and making out is not fun. I think you just need to tell your roommate that. That it isn’t about them being a couple- who gives a shit if they sleep together, go out and do dates together, or even hold hands in the shared spaces. But most of us do not want to standing in a kitchen with a couple making out, or with dry humping on the couch, and certainly not with groping of private areas. That doesn’t sound fun to have happen in my house.
Have you tried talking to them it is juvenile af both being inappropriate and sexual around unconsenting people and you guys would be childish for excluding people without communicating
>Leah looks a bit embarrassed every time our male housemate tries to grab her breasts or touch her lower regions in front of us
So he’s groping her and she’s embarrassed it sounds like she’s not okay with the way he’s acting
>I was genuinely shocked that they used the word ‘dating’, as our male housemate have never seemed interested in a relationship but rather than sex
This is like weird that you care about their labels
**You do what is best for you.** I roomed with one of my friends senior year in an off campus apartment. Her boyfriend would constantly stay over and after a short while he just moved in with us. As a result, I spent most of my weekends at my own boyfriend’s house, and at the end of the year, she expressed how frustrated she had been with the fact we didn’t spend much time there. I explained my reasoning, (mainly the fact that because he was living in our apartment, i felt severely restricted as to where I spent my time and thus stayed on campus or at my bf’s house as much as possible), but she was extremely dismissive of it and kept going off about how bad of a roommate I was. As a result we are not nearly as close friends as we used to be, and this is compounded by the fact that she is living at home in Maryland until they get married next year.
I still don’t quite know where we stand in all honesty, since we’ve gone on double dates before and they’ve been quite nice, but it is what it is. Had they brought this up way earlier in the school year, I may have had time to work on it, but because I was so blindsided by it and it was a week before finals, there was not much I personally could do. The entire thing could have been handled much better, but oh well.
They are grown ass adults. Paying their own bills. This is 100% none of your business. So long as they pay their bills and do their share of the house work, I don’t see an issue.
If there was a rule of no PDA/No dating housemates when y’all established your living situation then by all means you’re entitled to how you feel. Let Leah and her dude live. If they enjoy cuddling, talking, giving little kisses, whatever that’s not OVERLY sexual, y’all should be happy she found that, if you’re her real friends. Maybe it’s time to dig deep and figure out why these sorts of things bother you, because I’m also sure you see these sorts of things on TV all the time and are desensitized to it
…
What makes this different?
It’s uni. This stuff happens. Tell them to keep it PG-13 in the shared spaces (if that’s something which bothers you), but other than that I suggest you go about your business 🤷♂️
That’s sexual harrassment, y’all didn’t consent to being apart of their scene.
As someone into BDSM, Leah should know that consent is the number one priority in any relationship. You don’t bring unwilling people into the scene and her failure to stop/put an end to this behavior means she likes it, but she doesn’t like that you guys don’t like it because it’s creating a rift.
She did that. Don’t let her play the victim card, this isn’t a situation that makes her the victim.
I’d very pretty uncomfortable exchanging sexual touches in front of friends. A kiss here and there and being close is one thing, getting steamy in the common area is another thing. If she can’t understand that then that’s on her.