Ladies with trauma / depression, what was your experience like with partners trying to ” save you ”?

14 comments

1. Thankfully never ended up in a committed relationship but I did date someone that treated my depression like something he needed to “help me fix”. When I had a bad day, he’d treat me almost like a child and baby me. It was humiliating.

2. Awful, it might’ve been just because the person sucked but my ex was awful at making me feel better he used to try to solve my problem by saying I have to do this and that, which I’m sure it works for some people but I after I told him it didn’t work for me he gave up and said that “his way” doesn’t work, I said it was not his fault and I preferred helping myself. Then HE got offended because I wouldn’t get better by him helping. I broke up with him not longer. That was only one of the red flags and unfortunately he is still my lab partner in college 🙄.

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6. My ex wanted to save me via infantilisation. Which was bad for him, since I just got a “aw, poor baby” when I treated him horribly, bad for my future partners because I expected future partners to give me that amount of “understanding”, and bad for me because I was given warped information on how my actions impacted my loved ones.

   I left that ex. I met my now-fiancé, and I realized I really had to pull myself together because I *was* the problem, and I didn’t want to be the kind of person to hurt those I care about. My fiancé is so thoughtful, the kindest person I know (and to a fault, sometimes), but the nicest thing he’s ever done for me is refusing to accept less than what he deserves.

7. I have PTSD from a couple events in my past. My husband is really amazing but I honestly find him to be a bit too hands on with my mental health at times. It makes me insecure when he brings it up. But I know it’s because he cares and he thinks it’s helping.

8. I can imagine it coming off as super patronizing. My abusive ex used to ‘do things for my benefit’ then use his guest urge as leverage while making me feel shitty about it.

   Thankfully, my current bf doesn’t do anything to ‘save’ me. He’ll gently inquire on occasion about my comfort with things (he knows the rough story of how things were with my ex) but I never feel like his questions are overly imposing. He’ll just say to let him know if I ever feel like x about what he does and leaves it at that.

9. In short: I did not ask to be saved. I am not a damsel in distress, I’m a warrior queen in mental warfare.

   He thinks he saved me.

   This is fucked up in the sense that well it basically means I am in an unhealthy, damaging relationship but I am called the problem… and now he’s divorcing me essentially because he can’t cope with the consequences of the stress he caused me (among other things).

10. He didn’t save me, but he sure made things easier when my dad was at the hospital. He also took me in his house to escape an abusive sibling. He does take care of me but I also take care of him (in the house, psychological support and even financially!)

    As months passed he realized I didn’t need saving, just help. We can talk about it now and even joke that he really thought ‘I can fix her’. Right now we are stable and I’m getting ready to move out. We are happy but I want to be independent for a while before we take the next step.

    Edit: typo

11. Haha, I always chose partners with even worse traumas so I could try to save them instead. I kept my trauma and broken bits private – until therapy, that is.

12. urged me to exercise, go to the gym, talk to people even tho I was doing all of them, just not in his way. same old you’re not trying enough bs

13. I made the mistake of dating the guy who thought the best way to win my heart was the beat up my abusive ex. Surprise, he thought that that was a good idea because he also had violent tendencies. He’d yell at me if I flinched when he raised his hand or moved too quickly.

14. Savior complex is a real thing. And that’s definitely something the other person needs to work out. I actually ended a relationship because of this.
    Bottom line is you are the only one who can fix yourself and someone who truly loves you will respect that.
    Big difference between being supportive and trying to solve someone else’s problems