First of all, sorry for this, but I reall need to rant about this. Maybe it will help me to get it out of my system for at least a short while.
I (21f) have never been in love. I don‘t even know, if I‘ve ever even had a crush that wasn‘t soley built on me trying to fit my role as a girl in society. (The only thought that is keeping me sane is that I may not have met enough people yet.) And honestly? It‘s ruining me.
“Well, you got to learn to love yourself first!“, „It‚s not that bad!“, „You‘ve got to learn to be alone!“ (As if I didn‘t do that for fucking years bc my neurodivergent brain prefered that for a long time!), „Your value is not determined by your relationship status!“ Is the shit I‘ve been told by ppl who have been in long lasting relarionships since they‘ve been fucking 15!
No one seems to get how absolutely soul crushing the prospect of never having the feeling that is always seen asnd described as the peak of human emotion and connection is by someone who didn‘t want anything more their entire life than to belong and be understood! Who did nothing but fantasize about having a relationship, marry and have a family since early childhood and on top of that doesn‘t feel romantic love but doesn‘t even understand it when ppl talk about it.
“Your value doesn‘t depent on your relationship status.“ MY ASS! Ppl always claim ghat friendships are more important than romantic ones but don‘t bat an eye when you get left in the dust by your friend once they get a so! In the end the romantic partner will always take priority and if you‘re not the priority of someone, your basically unimportant. Then you‘re lukewarm seconds, the silver medal someone may aprecciate as a compromise in the moment but will toss a away immediately for the golden one bc WHO WOULDN‘T apparently!
I just feel like I‘m destined to be the fucking backup for everyone and then immediately replaced once they dound someone they ACTUALLY want. I‘ll never have a family. I‘ll never have meanjngful connection with someone. I‘ll never belong. I live in a wolrd I just deel completely alien to. My life will amount to nothing.
Be ause I will never be enough. NOT because I‚m inherently undesireable. NOT because I don‘t have potential partner who‘d be willing to date me. But because I‘M just inherently broken! And everyone just keeps telling me that I should be fucking grateful!
I‘m sorry for going off like this and probably sounding pathethic af but I had to do something with these thoughts instead of constantly crying.
If someone has thoughts though, feel free to share obvs.
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tl;dr I haven‘t been able to fall in love and think I‘ll never be happy bc of it
10 comments
When I saw your age I laughed, sorry. I was in love at your age with a complete idiot. We broke up and I was destroyed. I met the real love of my life at 29 after being single for 7 years. You’re not really in the right mindset if you feel this alienated. You really should work on being comfortable with yourself.
For real, I have had this fear for most of my life, it’s rough OP. The unfortunate thing is, any advice given here will probably be something you’ve already heard before, and will hear again probably. It is just the case that you just have to focus on yourself, being grateful for what you have, not just envious of what others have.
Reading this was like reading into my thoughts from a couple of years ago, I know it’s tough but it does not mean that you can never be happy, because you 100% can.
Gurl you’re 21.
When my friend group was 21, only 1 person had had a relationship before (me), and now fast forward 7 years later and I’m the only one in my friend group that isn’t in a relationship (9th wheel status)
Come back to this thread in like 10 years and if you’re still single you can make this rant
>(The only thought that is keeping me sane is that I may not have met enough people yet.)
This is … true.
>Is the shit I‘ve been told by ppl who have been in long lasting relarionships since they‘ve been fucking 15!
These people are not relationship gurus. Many of these relationships will end, if they have not already. In fact, 15 year olds are not capable of having adult relationships. So – their knowledge is limited at best and is probably wrong in many areas.
>the feeling that is always seen asnd described as the peak of human emotion and connection
Listen. I love my husband. But romantic love is not the peak of human emotion, lol.
>But because I‘M just inherently broken!
Why do you think you’re broken? This kind of self-inflicted anger is soothing in the moment – I know it because I was you at 21 – but it will creep into your future relationships and wreck havoc.
Feel all the anger, friend. You have every right. But please remember that feelings are not facts and that, as an adult, you have the autonomy to make decisions about how you want to appropriate a situation that is shitty and makes you feel sad.
This was me at 21. I am now 23 and dating the most wonderful girl in the world. It will happen when it’s meant to. That’s what everyone told me and while I thought it was annoying and I didn’t believe them, it’s the honest truth.
Well first off, you’re not alone. Plenty of people are aromantic and there’s nothing wrong with that.
There’s 4 types of attraction: aesthetic, platonic, sexual, and romantic
Aesthetic is how someone presents themselves, platonic is how they interact with you, sexual is sexual characteristics, and romantic is how they are as a partner.
It’s hard to be romantically attracted to someone when you aren’t actually in a romantic relationship with them because you simply don’t know them like that. When people are romantically attracted to strangers, they are romantically attracted to the IDEA of being in a romantic relationship with them.
It’s all just a fantasy basically. The point is to find someone that you’re attracted to (whether that’s aesthetically, platonically, sexually, or any combination of those), ask them out, date them, and see from there if you’re romantically attracted to them. Or don’t. Doesn’t matter.
Because platonic bonds can be stronger than romantic ones. One of my coworkers is inseparable from her best friend. They both got married to separate people, but they hang out with each other way more than their own husbands.
You don’t have to marry your best friend.
Look up a sexual you might find some of the information helps you.
I am a 43 year old woman who has never instantly fancied anyone, never seen a man or a woman and be like I want to see you naked or the butterfly feelings seeing a crush. Without talking and getting to know them first
What I need is a deeper connection a emotional connection which can be harder when most relationships in any form start out with a physical spark a oh she/he they are my look.
Don’t beat yourself up and yeah it’s hard when I was in high school I felt like a freak because I never had crushes, never blushed at the hot guy, but got those feelings once I got to know people more, my advice join groups that you find interesting talk to people and the feelings might show up. X
I think there’s people who are happy and have never had romantic love.
Do you actually want to be in a relationship or is it something you believe you’re supposed to want in order to fit in? There’s a big difference.
Honestly I think you’d be super disappointed with the actual feelings that come after that height of emotion on cloud nine. Happened to me and the betrayal and let down I felt afterwards was enough to negate the whole experience. Maybe I’m just jaded.