Married for 8 weeks still haven’t had sex

27 comments

1. Well, you can’t rush someone into sex. Maybe try some marital counseling/couple’s therapy.

2. What on earth is fapping?

3. You shouldn’t have gotten married.

   > she has also fapped me.

   And/or you’re too immature.

4. Queue sex therapist. See one.

   This is scary for her if she’s a virgin. She may even feel ashamed of not performing.

   She most likely understands the situation you both are in but feels guilty for not being able to dive into the deep end.

   These talks you’re having seem to be clamping her up more than relieving pressure. You’ll need to let her know you’re in this with her and willing to be patient sexually. Pressure turns people off.

   Let her know you two can take baby steps. Think of it like swimming and let her dip her toes in the water first. Sex involves many many little things too, not just ass eating and doggy style.

   You need to air that honey moon spending with her, respectfully of course. Finances are often the Achilis heel of marriages. Don’t let anything sit quietly inside you and brood resentment. It will undo you and your marriage.

   Talk to her about it, she most likely has an important reason for not spending a cent on the honeymoon that you have yet to know.

   Good luck and have fun!

5. So she owes you sex because you paid for everything including the coffee?

   I mean I do find it off that as a married couple you haven’t had sex yet but I don’t think the money situation has anything to do with deserving sex.

6. So she owes you sex because you paid for everything including the coffee?

   I mean I do find it off that as a married couple you haven’t had sex yet but I don’t think the money situation has anything to do with deserving sex.

7. If she says she needs time you need to give her time. You don’t want to scar her right, let her go at her own pace.

8. I’m assuming you waiting for religious reasons. If that is the case, you can’t possibly comprehend the brainwashing that goes on for women surrounding virginity. Growing up we hear all about how virgins are pure, sex is dirty and shameful, our value as a human decreases if we have sex, we should save ourselves for our husbands, men don’t want “used” women, virgins are Godly. Then, in one day, we are supposed to reverse that entire mentality because sex within marriage is beautiful. But no one talks about the beautiful part, or prepare us to have open conversations about sex. It’s shrouded in shame until, one day, it’s supposed to beautiful. It’s a very tough transition to make and she may need a therapist to help her through it. In my mind, this is the for better or worse part. If she is willing to take steps to improve, then I think you should support her in it.

9. Now some facts please. How old are both of you? Do either of you come from very conservative religious and/or cultural backgrounds? How experienced are you in the erotic arts? Is this your first marriage?

10. This is exactly why I am against religions banning sex before marriage. You can still preach strong values and creating great relationships without saying no to sex.

    You could always try tantric sex. Maybe look it up with her and see if she is up to it. Tantric sex is basically a fancy way of saying really slow sex that is not focused on climaxing, but having it last as long as possible. It would probably be good for her as a virgin.

    You could also try putting it in as far as you both can and trying to go deeper each time?

    I’m really running out of ideas here.

11. My husband and I waited until marriage to have sex. However, because of sexual trauma in my past, it actually took 2 yrs to consummate the relationship. Talk about it, communicate, and, if necessary see a professional

12. If she’s religious, it’s likely she carries some shame around sex – purity culture is a bitch.

    Her mind may need to catch up to her body.

    Have you told her you’re okay taking it slow, there’s no pressure, that you just want to explore with no expectations? Or are you begging her to jerk you off and/or letting your resentment show?

    Try cuddling with her. Giving her a massage. Kissing without the expectation that it leads to more. Take her on a date or cook her dinner. You have to date your wife, not so it leads to sex, but so she feels comfortable and knows that you’re not watching your clock for when it’s time to bang.

13. If she’s religious buy her the book “And They Were Not Ashamed”. It will help her to open up in a way that she will respond to and understand.

    And stop the porn. It will only damage you and your relationship in the long run.

14. Bruh have you tried making it fun for her? Ask her how she likes to be touched, emphasize romance, security, and compassion? It seems like you’re very focused on your own pleasure and I can guarantee you that ain’t the best route. Make your bedroom someplace safe to be silly rather than a dreary why haven’t we done this yet room.

15. Its very very important that you understand what happens in porn isn’t real sex.

    I’m only pushing this point because both of you are completely inexperienced. My larger fear is that when it is time to have sex for the first time, or when she “fapped” you (seriously dude?) you’ll expect it go be like what you’re used to in porn. Its not going to happen, and if it does, it’ll take a very long time with a lot of respect and restraint on your end until she knows what she likes. You don’t even know what you like.

    I try to respect everyone’s religion, but the stigma that premarital sex has created ruins so many relationships. You need to know if you’re sexually compatible with someone if you’re wanting to spend the rest of your lives together.

16. She’s probably just scared seeing as how she’s a virgin and comes from a very religious background. Give her time to come around and offer marriage counseling and maybe individual counseling. Also, don’t think that just because you paid for everything you automatically deserve sex. She’s your wife and not some common street whore that will put out because you basically threw money at her.

17. Talk to her about starting slow and not focusing on intercorse. Look up fingering and oral techniques you can use on her. You need to focus on her comfort and security, not how horny you are (get some lotion and take care of it). Girls are often told horror stories of others first times and it can make the whole thing very daunting. See if she will let you get to third base (letting you finger her/give her oral). Do a good job, make her see how great an orgasm feels, and she will probably be more open to having intercorse.

    Also, if you’re old enough to have sex you’re old enough to use better language than “she fapped me”. She gave you a hand job.

18. Do yourself a favor. Read the book “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s about female sexuality and desire. Read it with her. Good luck.

19. You ever try exploring it together instead of just trying to shove your dick into a hole?

    Make it enjoyable for her, dude. Sex can be a scary and nerve-wracking experience, especially if you’ve never done it before. Add to that how she probably knows you’re watching porn and just want the physical act of sex, and not the emotional intimacy that comes with it, it’s no wonder she’s not opening to having sex with you.

    Get your head out of your ass. Be a caring husband who tried to understand his wife’s wants, needs and concerns instead of being mad that your little peepee isn’t getting wet.

20. Some good books for positive sex talk are “come as you are” and “and they were not ashamed”.

    Individual therapy is good for everyone, sex therapy would be good for you both.

    So far you’ve only done sex acts that benefit you. Take a step back and focus on physical intimacy instead of straight up sex. Hold hands, kiss, touch her bum/thigh, stroke her hair if she likes that, put your arm around her, rub her back when you walk past, etc in a way that is NOT expectant of anything in return.

    Physical intimacy beyond sex is an important part of marriage and once you place that expectation that it will always lead to sex, it starts to feel like more like a “trap” than your husband is doing something because he loves you.

    I’m not an expert in religious trauma but you can’t expect her to jump straight into bumping uglies when there’s no lead up and when she’s been told her whole life that sex is shameful and disgusting.

    Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. Remember, it’s only even 8 weeks and she has to unlearn a lifetime of teachings. It will likely get better, not worse – so long as you remain supportive and do not vent your frustrations at her.

    I mean, you held out for nearly 30 years, you can do it for a couple more months lol

21. Your wife is nervous, and that makes sense. But 8 weeks is a long time. Perhaps a counselor? It may help you both to have a third party to moderate your discussions.

    My husband and I were virgins before we got married, and we didn’t have sex the first time we tried (nerves got to us) and we had to give it a second try the morning after. You said in a comment you both didn’t kiss before marriage. She’s never been with a naked man before! I would highly encourage intimacy in non sexual ways first. Just be together naked, let her get comfortable with your body and her own.

    Also, don’t always push for PIV. I know how much that sucks, I have a higher libido than my spouse, and it sucks to deny yourself like that. But believe me, the spouse appreciates being given space for intimacy on their own terms. Just lay in bed with your wife while you’re both naked, and maybe give her a back massage, or scratch her back, or stroke her hair. Just let her know that you enjoy being intimate with her outside sex/PIV as well. She has to be comfortable enough with you to have sex, and she has to trust you too. Remind yourself that you love her and want her happiness more than anything, so focus on that goal. I’m sure she wants the same thing and kicks herself for not being able to “put out” for you. Be gentle with each other, you’ll figure things out soon.

22. You both didn’t discuss this before marriage? Already a sign the marriage isn’t going to go well…also “I paid for everything on our honeymoon.” Well sex with your partner shouldn’t be transactional, that’s not a healthy view. “I paid for xyz, so you should put out.”

23. What concerns me about this marriage is there is resentment after only 8 weeks?

    There seems to be a real mismatch here if coffee is causing resentment and the sex life is already unfulfilling to at least one party.

    I rarely jump on the counseling train, but a couples counselor might be the best way to sort out if this is really going to be a viable marriage, because these sorts of issues typically don’t manifest themselves before the honeymoon is even paid for.

    Best of luck to you both.

24. I do acknowledge that the porn is making matters worse. I’m going to stop.

25. You poor kids, did religion do this to you?

26. “We also went on our honeymoon and I literally paid for everything she didn’t even pay for a coffee which has made me start to resent her.”

    Did you marry this person because you love them and wish to spend your life with them or because you wanted sex on tap? You footing the bill does not entitle you sex.

    Also, frankly what is the rush? You are only recently married you have plenty of time to work up to full intercourse.

    Many people who hold off until marriage are raised in very sex negative households, that doesn’t go away overnight because you have a ring on your finger. Give her some time to adjust.

    Also, frankly I feel sorry for her being married to you

27. Purity culture for ya ✨