My bf & I (39M 30F) met here on Reddit. Different account for me. I had some nsfw pics & a few videos up on my page. He reached out to me for what was meant to be a night of “fun” but we ended up making an honest connection. I can say without a doubt he’s the love of my my life. Who knew!
I looked through his page & comments before we ever even met. I was under the impression he did the same. Well as I’m finding out now, he didn’t. He brought it up a few weeks ago how he didn’t know all the stuff I’d posted. It’s weird to me he never took the time to look. I’d been wanting to delete everything on there for a long time. After our convo I went ahead & took the time to do it.
He’s been struggling with the stuff he saw. It’s all bothering him. He feels inadequate & jealous. He felt as if I was putting more effort into strangers online than I was for him. Complaining that I don’t send him sexy pics like that or groom my pubic hair the way some of the pictures showed.
It’s infuriating for me because it couldn’t be further from the truth. I tell him I posted those things in a state of starving for attention. I’ve never been the conventionally cute girl that the guys paid attention to. The few relationships I’ve had were with users & abusers. I posted seeking the validation & admiration I’ve been desperately seeking my whole life. Now that I have him I don’t feel the need to do those things, even if it’s FOR HIM because he validates me just by being my loving partner. I don’t think he gets it fully.
I’ve also always had a hard time with liking myself. Looking in the mirror & feeling positive about my reflection. I’m a very hairy girl. In my late teens early 20s I used to shave everything. Because I thought that’s how I woman should be. It was itchy, sweaty, & uncomfortable. I realized I wasn’t doing it for me. It wasn’t making me happy. So I stopped with regularly shaving my pubic hair & fell in love with looking & feeling like a woman.
I still have an extremely tough time accepting other “unladylike” body hair I have. Specifically a hairy butt. It kills me. I don’t want this but it’s what god gave me. For the last 10 years I’ve tried my damndest to love that part of me. I make jokes about it & point it out. As much as I’m trying to love it it still crushes me all the time.
He mentioned that I don’t remove the hair there for him like he *thought* I did for others. Months ago I told him I used to shave it when I was young. I haven’t done that since I stopped shaving my pubic hair. Again, I realized I wasn’t doing it for me. I refuse to alter my body or do something I’m not comfortable with to please ANYONE!
His comment absolutely killed me. I’m so incredibly hurt. I already deal with low self worth & feeling insecure a lot of the time, now to hear those same things I’m insecure about come out of the mouth of the person that supposedly loves me unconditionally has brought me down even further. How could you ever say that to someone you love? If it really bothers you why be with me? I’m not perfect. I never will be. Don’t ever ask me to change who I am. Instead lift me up & tell me every chance you get how special & perfect I am TO YOU. Oh man guys I’m hurt.
As for the pics online there were some with no pubic hair. I trim it down low every few months but the only time I am ever clean shaven is when I’m going through a herpes outbreak, healing from one, or feel one coming on. I shave it all off so I am able to see my skin. Any pic I had posted shaved was for that reason. My bf knows I have herpes but it still sucks having to have any convo about it. All of this feels so violating. I shouldn’t have to explain or defend myself over my choice to have pubic hair. Mind you he did immediately back down & listen to me. He wasn’t arguing with me or trying to force me do anything. His POV was that I don’t put forth the effort of shaving like how I did in those pics. Which now he knows why & has accepted.
He is a great guy & a really good dad. He’s been nothing but good to me. This situation is a first. He didn’t mean what he said to be hurtful. He didn’t know any of the backstory or know this was an insecurity for me. Though to me it seems it should be common sense to not complain about your gf being hairy or assume she’s ok with removing it [just because she doesn’t like it either]. She can’t help her genetics.
To make things worse, I’ve been secretly planning his surprise birthday party for weeks. All of his friends will be there. It’s tomorrow. He just said these things to me Wednesday. The whole time he was speaking I was thinking *“You don’t even have a clue what I’ve been doing for you. How bad are you going to feel for saying this to me?”*. I’m still going to go through with it all. I don’t want to spoil his birthday. But after Saturday idk where to go from there. First he needs to know the damage of his words. What do you think?
TL;DR: bf is making assumptions. Saying I don’t send him sexy pics like what I posted online before we met or shave my pubic hair as some of the pics show. Brought down my self esteem commenting on my body hair. I’m insecure about it. His surprise bday party I planned for weeks is tomorrow. Still going through with it but my spirits are down. Feeling very hurt.
4 comments
Have you thought about seeing a therapist regarding your self esteem issues?
I’m rather curious why you want to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.
I think you’re overreacting because this is a big insecurity of yours and you’re not being very nice to him right now. He just found out you had sexy pics up on the internet all this time! Hello? That’s a big thing! He feels jealous! He needs reassurance! He needs you to say: I didn’t put in more effort for those random men than for you, I love you, it was just for reasons XYZ that I shaved. I don’t understand why you’re being all like “I don’t owe him an explanation” cause yeah…. You kind of do….
You’re in the wrong here, you know. You should’ve deleted those pics long ago, or at least asked if he was okay with you leaving them up. You messed up and spiralling out of control because of your own insecurities is not helping the situation. It’s not about the hair. It’s about you violating his boundaries. Reassure him and don’t take it so personally
Here is what I suspect he hears when you argue this side of these issues.
> I tell him I posted those things in a state of starving for attention.
>The few relationships I’ve had were with users & abusers. I posted seeking the validation & admiration I’ve been desperately seeking my whole life.
Translation: if you wanted me to do the things I used to do for my exes or Reddit, you should have treated me like shit like the other guys did instead of being so kind and making me feel loved.
>Now that I have him I don’t feel the need to do those things, even if it’s FOR HIM because he validates me just by being my loving partner.
Translation: I know that you’ll love me even if I don’t put in as much effort as I used to, so I’m not going to bother.
These are not things that anyone wants or likes to hear from their partner. In fact, they’re exactly the opposite of how someone would want their partner to feel about them and their sex life and relationship. This is not just a “him problem,” and you need to own your own part in it.