Here’s an example that I go through everyday: walk into lecture theatre alone, choose a “safe” seat near the back (preferably on my own), and not talk to anyone next to me. Most of the time I’ll try not to even look people in the face. Whenever there’s a tiny break in the lecture or we’re asked to discuss something, I immediately pull my phone out to alleviate some anxiety. As soon as the lecture is over, I make a quick exit without interacting with anyone.
With this example specifically, it’s especially hard to drop this avoidance behaviour because the people surrounding me are usually sitting in groups. Plus, they’re people I’ve been seeing regularly for over a year but haven’t spoken to (or barely spoken to).
There are other examples too but you get the idea. This is such an ingrained avoidance behaviour and I’m literally avoiding the most basic level of social interaction, so it’s difficult to create an exposure hierarchy to overcome it.
It’s also a bit of a cycle. I don’t talk to people out of fear of coming across as weird, but by not talking to anyone I fear coming across as weird (and it *is* weird).
Edit: i didn’t realise that I was unclear about this, but I absolutely do want to change this lol. I avoid interaction because I’m anxious, not because I genuinely want to. I haven’t made any mates in over a year at uni just because of this
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This is probably difficult, but when new scenarios happen and new faces are seen, take the advantage. Habits are hard to break but new worlds are always emerging. People like weird, but hard to get accepted into groups that way.
I find it easier to talk to strangers bc i know ill probably never see them again.
I do a similar thing some days, and it’s those days that I usually end up going home miserable. The days I go in with a positive and optimistic mindset about the people around me, the happier I am when I leave. It’s a hard habit to break but it’ll only get worse if you don’t stop the habit now
Turn the phone off before class or leave it at home next time. We all use our phones way too much and it’s a crutch in social situations
Dont worry i do the same, for my own reasons i just like to be alone, i go to uni to learn, not to socialise. Most people are boring anyway and conversations usually end up being a waste of time as you only have the opportunity to small talk in a semi professional setting.
At the end of the day if its what youre comfortable with then theres nothing wrong with it, if you really wanted to make friends id assume you would have tried to by now.
I had similar habits for a long time in college and I still sometimes have to fight the instinct to avoid interacting with people. It’s hard at first and it takes practice! But I’ve found that most people will probably be happy to interact with you, and they are most likely not giving any thought to how weird you are. I hope you can keep that in mind and take some pressure off yourself.
Personally I don’t think this avoidance behavior is a bad thing. Some days you might not have the energy to be social.
But if you want to work on being more comfortable socializing in this setting then one thing you might try is saying hi to the people your sitting next to right away, the moment you sit down next to them.
You’re going to be sharing the same space with them for at least the next hour. If you acknowledge that by saying hi to them immediately, even if they are a complete stranger, that generally makes any future interactions easier and less awkward to initiate.
Do you really want to talk and mingle with other people?
If so, then you can start with simple smile, good morning greetings to the people near you, instead of trying to have actual conversation!
If you don’t have any need to make friends, and u prefer solitude, i guess it is fine to be alone too, even i feel like i want to be alone sometimes!
you’re not alone with the dreaded “i’ve left it too long and now it’s weird” cycle, believe me. but you definitely can work on an exposure hierarchy! like people have said, saying good morning to even one person would be a step forward. even just not pulling out your phone, to help you feel more comfortable with silence and moments that feel awkward. even just resisting the urge once.
i’m also tempted to suggest a fresh start, like joining a club. a change of setting might help break your habits, although i don’t want to make it sound like you can’t get to know people at lectures because that’s definitely not the case.
I did that for 7 years and now my social skills are so bad that I don’t know how to make friends anymore.
Honestly it’s a much better idea to make those 5-10 minutes of small talk with the people around you, the amount of info that goes around could end up saving your ass. I got screwed over in an exam once that all my peers did good in and it turns out that they had a leaked copy of the exam while I was the only one that didn’t have it.
Being able to comfortably talk to strangers will also make your work life a hundred times easier
Start with small talk while ordering or checking in or other places things u do daily
Simply saying “hey how are u doing today” and seeing there reaction and working off that will help ur social skills, don’t sit there wasting someone’s time but 5000 20-30 second convos will 100% improve ur skills
Dude omfg this brought me back to High School I was the same exact way… socially avoidant to such a debilitating degree ugh. I feel you, it’s not easy. Small steps!
Yeah I have no idea how to fix this. I hate small talk and when I do try to initiate all I get are one word answers.
Your anxiety sounds like it’s through the roof. Some suggestions would be to to something to alleviate this before class eg Wim Hof breath work, cold shower, exercise…once in class switch up your seating placement and I’d say to really focus on your work in class let that take your mind off your anxiety.
So one thing about this, and I have lived through this, is that you probably need to learn how to read the behaviour of someone who is open to interaction. This is a little more like *not* reading closed cues, but it is more helpful to think of it as recognizing open body language.
And because you have a fear blocking you, even though you desire to become comfortable, you need to commit to confronting your fear, even if you feel very uncomfortable doing it. AND you need to be *aware* of that fear while you don’t get caught up in it, because if you unconsciously show that fear then *you* are making closed body language, and this is confusing to the people you are innocently interacting with.
So, is it possible? Absolutely. Learning about your own body language, and how to be open and relaxed, is key. People *will* approach you and model back to you open behaviour. And as you get more comfortable in those situations you will have opportunities to initiate contact yourself, and test your comfort. But practicing comfort in uncomfortable situations will get you there. Good luck.
Okay I would say that there’s two ways of approaching the “I don’t belong to any of those groups” situation (will exaggerate things a bit). First, “I’m a weird loner and none of these people are friends with me and I should sit in a corner”. Second, “ooh I’m a cool person who doesn’t give a fuck, and knows all these groups, and could invite all of them to a party and folks will be like how do you know so many people.”
You can transition from the first kind to the second kind. It won’t happen overnight, but it’s simpler than you think.
1. Be a cool nice person. Know that you’re a cool nice person. Stop giving a shit about how you come across as (don’t be oblivious, but underthink instead of overthinking).
2. Learn to spot cool nice people in other groups. The shy/introvert-y people will warm up to you if you get along with their cool nice friends.
3. Don’t be shy about putting yourself out there. “What are you guys doing over the weekend? Oh X sounds fun, can I join?”
I do this shit too, and I highly recommend you talk to some people. I recently graduated and I really miss having access to so many people my own age.
Classes, I wouldn’t worry about it that much, you can treat it as talking practice, but it’s not that easy to make friends in classes in my experience. I’ve made good connections in classes but then we end up not keeping in touch after because what we had in common was that class.
So join clubs. Join a club sport, join a club for major, whatever else you like. I ended up in an engineering club when I was studying biology, and it doesn’t matter because you’re just there to hang out and participate. You continuously go to club events and see the same people so this is where you can really make friends.
I’m also guessing that you don’t do much of the networking stuff or going to office hours. Seriously, go to those things. Come up with stuff to ask the professor about and get them to recognize your face. It will really come in handy if they have an opening in their lab or research, or it’s just great practice for when you do need something from a professor.
Me_irl, very relatable lol. Ive done this my whole life honestly. And Im going to be 30 soon!
I have buddies I regularly speak to including a fee group chats, so I dont typically engae with people irl.
This isnt a good habit, but I guess Im too comfortable where Im at lol.
I’ve been at my job for 9 years and there are still people I just nod at as I walk by.
:/
It’s totally ok to prefer not to talk to people. But if you feel like it’s starting to become unhealthy, you need to get into the kindset of “letting things happen.”
You need to let your walls down. That doesn’t mean actually talking to people if you’re not ready yet. It means looking up, making eye contact, and smiling when you have to pass someone. If they want to be friendly and talk, let it happen. Worst case senario you start stuttering and saying weird things. Then you walk away and its over.
But really, the key is to build some self-confidence and be kind to yourself. Then good things tend to happen by accident.
I do this exact same thing every single day. It gets painfully lonely and frustrating for me at uni because I do this. And I too sit at the very back of every lecture and seminar I have, even the bus.
Have you heard of Avoidant Personality Disorder by any chance? I haven’t been diagnosed but, along with social anxiety and depression, I’m almost certain I have it.
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I can relate to everything you said, bud.
When we are asked to discuss something I usually get up and go to the group the closest to me and say “I’ll be joining you if you don’t mind” or openly ask the teacher to assign me somewhere since I don’t know anyone.
But otherwise I’m just as clueless and anxious. And boy do I relate to grabbing my phone during break. I often am first out the door when we get 15 minutes of a break to refuel. I put my headphones on, speed walk to cafeteria to get coffee and go outside for a cigarette. Then I just return to my seat in the far corner of the room.
What was your childhood like? Did u spend a lot of time alone? Did u have safe people to open up to about your feelings? If not, you isolating yourself can be a coping mechanism to protect yourself from the world as a child and now as an adult you’re still doing it, but now it may be harming you. What do u think?
try doing little things like holding the door open for someone or asking a question about the work like “is x due today?” or “did u do the x”
You should look for a good therapist to work with you on that
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Same. I don’t have a desire to talk to them. I legit do not care how their weekend was or whatever. I really try to avoid people and not leave the house. I’m not interested in human interaction. A couple people at work have tried to invite me to their place to “hang out” and I always decline. We don’t talk here, tf are we gonna talk about at your house? I have no desire to be a part of their lives.
Imagine yourself in ten years. No longer in college. You have a job but don’t know a lot of ppl. You don’t see many new ppl daily. It’s now much harder to find people to talk to and make friends with. And you’ve missed out on the fun of knowing ppl and having friends. Use that knowledge that it will be much harder in the future to motivate yourself to say hi now.
Tomorrow just say, “hey i’ve seen you in classes for over a year and we’ve never met. I’m ____.” Then flow from there but have some follow ups prepared in case they don’t respond much. E.g. do you like this class/prof? How did you find the last assignment? You all seem like good friends did you just meet in this class?
You can even say what you said here in the post. “I noticed I’m just totally addicted to my phone and didn’t get a chance to meet any of you because of it”. Just being straightforward like that usually works because you come off as very genuine and not weird. These ppl have all been anxious when meeting someone or in other situations so they will give u a break.
Just have a conversation today and then another conversation tomorrow and before you know it you have friends that sit down and talk to you.
I have been dealing with the same issue (though I don’t believe this severe) and have had lengthy convos with a therapist about it. It has come down to my lack of confidence, my fear of being judged, and not feeling or belong or “have permission” to take up space.
Homework was to break out of my routines and literally take up space. Act like I belong there. Make random conversation with those around me and if someone says something I relate to, comment on it. TAKE UP SPACE.
I hope you can push yourself to do the same. It’s an exciting world and the more you take up space, the more comfortable you become with doing so and the more relaxed you’ll feel in the world in general. Good luck! 🙂
something small you can do, find something from someone to compliment. most likely they’ll say thank you and move on or they’ll find something to talk to you about. Nice people generally have high retention rates so they’ll feel welcomed to talk to you again. whether it’s about something important or something petty.
The door to people will be open, even if slightly because that small interaction. Take a risk and be honest as well! Admitting your awkwardness and anxieties can make all the difference sometimes. I’m sure you can remember a time in your life you learned something about someone’s life without prompting them. It would hurt no one to learn a little bit about you :)… a little more fuel for a future conversation
I would join a club or group. Most people are just focusing on the lecture in class.
I’m like that. I have to be around people for awhile before I finally start entertaining conversation. I’m a very shy person as well. But as far as just small talk goes I just try making jokes. If I can make people laugh, normally it eases the tension and from there you just get to know people over time. Just challenge yourself to talk to at least one person a day to see if that helps. I try finding comfort in the fact that we’re all on this planet going through life just as scared and clueless as the next guy.
I had a similar experience after years of heavy drug use, mostly opiates so was just numb for years, but when I finally got sober I realized I totally forgot how to interact with anyone anymore. I was like a raw nerve for a while, and I went through this shame spiral of “what’s wrong with you? why can’t you do simple things? you must be exactly as much of a piece of shit as you thought.” Internal dialogue like that was always present and very unhelpful.
It may sound weird, but I essentially got over both the shame spiral and the out of practice social issues by ubering to work everyday (out of necessity, I had no car in LA for a while) and talking to the drivers. I honestly ended up having some of the most amazing talks with people I never would have come across otherwise. Highly recommend if possible!
Too many missed connections on my end.
” I avoid interaction because I’m anxious, not because I genuinely want to. I haven’t made any mates in over a year at uni just because of this”
For me, this went away when I started dressing in clothes that I liked which aren’t jeans and a t shirt. Also took up flow art, got pretty good. Now all I have to do is pull out a prop, *people want to talk to me.* I never even had to learn to be good at starting conversations because people just ask about my clothes and flow.
I’d say It wouldn’t be weird for you to start talking to yout classmates, it would be more surprising to them. Even if it were weird, I think its a good idea to break the mold and just talk. It also helps that you’d be talking about the class/lecture/subject, so none of that uneasy small talk.
I remember in high school, there was this one guy in my english class. Fairly normal dude, spoke during group discussions, but usually quiet outside of that. For some reason I will never know, gradually throughout the year, he talked more and ‘became’ a lot weirder. By the end of the year he was everyone’s friend. He turned into kind of a class clown but he was also a chill dude in general, easy to get along with once he started talking with us. Our teacher was on maternity leave for so long to the point when she came back we all went “btw josh is completely different lmao” and it was still normal.
I don’t know why I tell this story exactly but I hope it’s some consolation that things won’t be so bad if you start talking in the middle of the year.
Very relatable… One thing that helped me a little (in last year of college after doing this since high school lol) was ending up in an art class for my gen ed full of friendly/collaborative people – since a lot of the class was work time there was a lot of chatting while working + they were supportive of everyone’s art (including talking to me learning the new techniques like ‘ooh how’d your print come out’) so it was easier to sort of match their energy and engage with my classmates more that way. The tables in the class were also arranged facing each other which initially made me anxious but I feel like helped everyone connect more.
Idk how I would have specifically searched out classes with a good atmosphere/people like this to get better though lol I had no idea what I was getting into just picking the only art class that fit my schedule but it worked out really well.
Still struggle in some other classes with this (especially when the class is made up of existing friend groups that spend all the time talking to each other) but slightly more comfortable with it compared to before, like in another class being able to comment on how tests/assignments went with a classmate I did research with previously + another classmate sitting next to us that sometimes joined in.
You just described my life. I am 38 however and I’m pretty sure I am undiagnosed autistic and that a lifetime of unsuccessful human contact has conditioned me to simply stop trying.
I see a few ways you could dip your toe in at your comfort level. Perhaps nodding at people as you pass by them, saying hello to someone if it feels safe to do so.
When it comes time for discussion, you could possibly try to plan ahead if you know the subject matter for the day. Mention a point you found particularly interesting, or compliment someone else’s contribution, whatever feels relevant. Your input is as worthy as anyone else’s.
If it feels too odd to say hello to them after the time has passed, it might be helpful to practice in other situations. Coffee shop, grocery store, etc.
There are also book clubs, gaming meet ups, and other community events that might be enjoyable for you to participate in to practice engaging with others.
The fear and anxiety is real and difficult. I wish you the best.
a quote that helped me put things into perspective: “you can become a different person in the next 5 seconds.” i took it has little shut the past and the future versions of yourself off. literally they do not exist anymore. you can change your whole existence because those two do not exist. you cannot possibly know what other people think about you. it’s all a mind game. your mind is literally design to feed these thoughts into you whether good or bad. it is your decision whether you shut it off or feed into the either negativity or positivity of your mind. so in the next 5 seconds shut it all off, and try just not going on your phone. sit in your uncomfort for a day until you get bored and simply when a teacher ask a question or whatever shut your brain and remember the quote and just say hey what y’all get for number what or soemthing some random shit knowing that in a couple of years you will never talk to them again. at the end of the day you trying to be more social is a gift for yourself no one else.