In 2015, I had a falling out with my husband’s high school friends, who are also married. We’ll call them Jake and Amy.
Jake and Amy are nice enough, but Amy was a part of several MLMs when I was her friend. I had joined an MLM with her (because back then I was naïve to the schemes), but I left because it was not profitable and it was damaging to my marriage as well as to Amy and mine’s friendship. I had been harboring some hard feelings towards Jake and Amy after I had left the MLM partnership. She never paid me and she had sold the items I had bought for the “business” without asking me if I wanted them back when she herself left the company.
The biggest issue I have with Amy, however, is that she will text my husband, who had been friends with her since high school, whenever she has a problem with me. I thought we were close enough to the point where she could confront me directly, but it feels like she prefers to use my husband to control me. For instance, I had a full time job and she was a SAHM back in 2015. She had called my husband over for a private meeting with her and her husband to discuss my loyalty to the MLM. It was humiliating for me because my husband called me while I was at work to tell me that Amy thought I should be more involved with the MLM and that I am literally doing NOTHING for the business. I was absolutely furious with both of them. So furious that I started going to therapy to sort out my feelings because I was being manipulated.
After therapy, I distance myself from Jake and Amy, but I told my husband I don’t care if he maintains a relationship with them because they are his old friends and if he wants to deal with their manipulative behavior, let him. A year or so after I had distanced myself, my husband and I were invited to Jake and Amy’s oldest daughter’s birthday party. I went because my husband really wanted me to be there with him, so against my better judgement, I went. My anxiety punched me in the gut when I got there and I didn’t look anyone in the face and excused myself to the bathroom a few times to gather myself. After maybe an hour, I told my husband I had eaten something bad and I really had to go. We apologized to Jake and Amy and excused ourselves. Later that evening, my husband got a text from Amy saying that it looked like I really didn’t want to be there, and I was no longer invited to her house. He tried to tell her it was because of something I ate, but she said she just knew it was because I didn’t want to be there and I acted like a child and everyone noticed. I was humiliated, but relieved that I would not be pressured into trying to rekindle a friendship. Also, I was super embarrassed. I was literally BANNED from someone’s home. Like a child who broke an expensive artifact is BANNED from a museum.
Now, after 5 years of not speaking, Amy texted my husband with a white flag emoji saying she misses us and wants us all to be friends again. She wants to forget all that has happened between us in the past. My husband is on board and I am not. I don’t really care for Jake and Amy and I think that it’s best for me to sit this one out. I don’t care if my husband texts or visits them, but aside from being embarrassed in front of all her friends and family, I just don’t feel like speaking to them again. I don’t care what they are doing. I don’t care about their opinions on things. I don’t hate spending time with them, but I’d rather not chance going out and looking too bored or anxious or whatever and getting chastised about it.
I am afraid that I will have to come face to face with Amy again at some point. I just don’t know what I will say/do/think/feel/etc. I think this is just the beginning of another nightmare and my husband thinks I need to get over it. Any advice on how to be friends with someone who is fake and manipulative? Also, was I really in the wrong for excusing myself from a child’s birthday party?
—
**tl;dr**: Ex-friend texted my husband that she is willing to forget our past problems to be friends again. My husband wants to be friends, but I do not.
24 comments
Ugh I’m so sorry you have to deal with these horrible people. I’m an advocate that life is too short to deal with shitty people that make you feel shitty. If I were you I’d sit husband down, detail the reasons why you don’t want to be in contact with them and then set a hard boundary that if she messages him, you don’t want to know about it and you want nothing to do with them. Your husband can do what he likes but that doesn’t mean you should have to suffer.
Tell your husband to tell her you aren’t interested. This isn’t really an Amy problem as a problem between you and your husband. Let him know you aren’t interested in reconnecting and you aren’t interested in him being a middle man. Explicitly he is not to tell you or allow them to communicate with you through him.
Yes you were wrong for going to the party in the first place and should have stood your ground. You are letting your husband push you around to the point of having anxiety attacks.
Don’t need to say more. People like that does not change. If she really wanted to raise the flag, shouldn’t she have sent the message to you? This show she has not change. Maybe, she wants to hang out with you because she alienated her other friends. I am a business owner and I don’t have time for people like this in my life. They will always drag you down and make you think about every comment they say. If you sit with them and she says “excuse me it something I ate, need to use the restroom”. What would go through you head, even if she really means she needs the bathroom.
At this age in life. You should not have to deal with childish matters like this. Cut all the negative and un caring people out of your life. If it was a sibling, then yes, try to make it work. If it is someone you don’t miss for 5 years. Another 50 will not matter. Good luck
I would be even more angry if I were you. I wouldn’t want to see or think or hear about them ever again.
Hubby better realize he needs to stand next to his wife. Amy treated you very badly and that can’t be ignored or forgotten because she will take advantage of you again.
Hey OP,
I think you have a husband problem more than a Jake and Amy problem.
Your husband went and called you about an MLM?!!! Especially in regards to your actual FULL TIME job.
How involved with this couple is he? Because honestly I’m getting weird red flags from his former codependency, like “A friend of the family” vibes.
Your husband is continuously eager to put your comfort to the side and indulge this couple. Over and over again he tries to get you to choose them too.
I’d seriously advise you to ask him to go to couples therapy with you. Because his continual disregard of your feelings and the strange way they act would be a serious deal breaker for me.
I don’t know if you have kids but if you do I’d be worried what kinds of situations he’d put them into if something happened to you.
OP, he’s clearly disregarding your emotional safety and comfort, why wouldn’t he do the same to a child who doesn’t have the authority to fight back?
This is not how a good and supportive partner acts. This is someone who has been waiting to bring you back to the lions den because the lions haven’t harmed him specifically.
Also he wants you to reconnect with people who have offered you NO apology or sincere remorse?
Seriously, what does this couple have on him because he’s treating their desires as more important than yours.
Before you tell me OP, how he’s a superb partner besides this situation. Someone who disregards and minimizes your emotional and mental health isn’t a good partner.
Someone who wants to invite folks back into your life who financially and emotionally harmed you (that call, they BANNED you from their sugar apple house!) is not a good partner.
He’s good in every way except when it is actually difficult and it counts.
Also no, you did not deserve that ban. They’re being petty and awful and trying assert any kind of control they could.
Don’t be “friends” with people who aren’t your friends.
“Look, after the way Amy has behaved for so long I just burnt out and don’t like her or her husband very much. So no from now on I don’t want to be in a room with her if I can avoid it. When you first introduced us I was eager to be friends with them. But she behaved badly. I wish you had opted out of being the middleman back then. And as of right now I’d like to know you have my back on this. I’m not interested in hanging out with them. “
I would be furious. Why does your husband think you should be friends with someone so manipulative and toxic again? Why isn’t he defending you properly?
Issue here is with your husband.
Amy can piss right off. You set your boundary, have good reason to not want to be friends with her, but your husband is pushing it. You are absolutely not in the wrong here.
I would sit him down again and say very plainly that you do not want to have anything to do with her, and if your husband continues to bring this up, you two need to discuss it with a third party professional, because clearly you guys have gone around and around and not be able to achieve anything productive.
Your husband needs to get out of the middle. Tell him he can be friends with whomever he wishes but:
1. YOU have no interest in further contact with a woman who has repeatedly treated you eith disrespect and manipulated your husband into helping her.
2. You will no longer listen to or participate in any indirect communication routed thru him. You will walk away, hang up, or leave the building…. and you will be angry at HIM for violating a stated boundary.
3. You expect him, as a loyal spouse, to shut down contacts or conversations with THEM about YOU, Failing to do so will not resolve your issues with THEM, but will create issues between the two of you.
You can treat Amy with the same indifference you would a passerby on the street. Be cordial but don’t take any shit from her, because it’s not worth the emotional expenditure.
No, you’re not wrong for leaving. They’re not entitled to your time, attention or a relationship with you.
She is ready to forget everything. Of course she is. Why wouldn’t she want a free pass for her behaviour? I think she’s awful. I’m also not very impressed with your husband and would go scorched earth about the 1950s style conversations and meetings about you in your absence. Scorched earth.
Your husband is the problem here from this story and the other story in your post history. I would also maybe re-visit going to couples counseling again. Is that something you guys have done?
She clearly made you miserable the first time and I’m not sure how he doesn’t see that. He’s putting himself in the middle of a situation that shouldn’t even be happening.
Do not be friends with this couple again. She seems very self involved and toxic.
Why is your husband so eager to run interference for them? I can’t imagine my husband pestering me at work because he feels I don’t do enough for his friend’s pyramid scheme.
Like a lot of this drama feels like it wouldn’t have happened if he just defended you or refuse to run messages.
Amy is toxic and manipulative. I would avoid that like the plague forever more.
And like your husband needs to grow a pair. If someone is badmouthing you to him, he needs to have common sense to not go out of his way to appease freaks like that once or ever again.
Amy is a repeat offender and needs to be forgotten like yesterday’s garbage.
Cut her out, maybe text Jake and tell him to tell his wife to fuck off.
Omg, her acting like she’s the principal and you’re a naughty student whose parent (husband) she has to contact is so unbelievably demeaning. I’m sorry but your husband should have dropped them when you did, I would NEVER be friends with someone who treated my partner that way!
If you are the one who wanted to distance or end this friendship, then *you* are the one who gets to propose letting bygones be bygones and rekindling the friendship.
She was booted out, she doesn’t get to invite herself back in. The problems are all on her end, and you get to decide to give her another chance (or not).
So… no. Don’t mess up your good life today by going through the same drama you already escaped from. And tell your husband so in no uncertain terms.
Amy probably wants you guys to join her new MLM.
You have a husband problem.
Also the birthday party thing it doesn’t really sound like she was in the wrong, you guys were. You didn’t want to go but went anyway, were miserable and looked it. Sounds like your husband pressuree you to go which he shouldnt have, and you caved which you shouldn’t have. You were visibly uncomfortable and avoiding making eye contact with anyone. Thats awkward for people. Then you and your husband lied about it. Saying she would prefer you didn’t come to her house anymore (understandable) isn’t “banning” you “like a child”. I’m assuming she isn’t invited to your house, doesnt mean shes banned or should be humiliated. Its just all a bit overdramatic. Also.. you don’t want to see them and her asking not to come over acheives this so idk why youre upset?
That being said you dont have to have contact with them, ever. Tell your husband you won’t. If he doesnt respect this, go to couples counselling.
Your husband needs to be supportive of you and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
All the folks here saying “husband is the problem, ” – I see your point, BUT the issue is about control. You cannot and should not control who your spouse is friends with. I think OP is right in saying she doesn’t want anything to do with Jake and Amy, but that her husband can do whatever he wants. OP seems like a very sensitive and mature person from this post. Also, OP, I bet you a hundred bucks that NO ONE at that party other than Amy thought ANYTHING about you leaving early. Toxic Amy made that up to make you feel bad. Stay away from her- she’s a manipulative woman.
Fuck this sounds like a bad TV show, your surrounded by morons lmao, go on a solo holiday.
She appears to have stolen from you in the past as well as lied and manipulated. She banned you from her house for looking uncomfortable. She doesn’t get to decide you are friends and how you must feel.
With your husband, he is being triangulated. She goes to him and tells him how you feel and, fool that he is, he goes with it. You will have to tell him you get to feel your feelings and think your thoughts. “She has been very unfriendly to me and I am not going to go back to being her friend. You can be in contact with her, but I need you to not talk about her to me and not talk about me to her. She is going to tell you what I have to do and how I have to think and feel, but she has no say in that. She and I aren’t friends and won’t be. I can be civil to her, but I won’t trust her. Since I respect your right to associate with her, I expect you to respect my right not to associate with her or have her at my home or events. Is that something you can do?”
Why is what Amy wants a higher priority than what his wife wants?