I can’t even enjoy intimacy with my husband anymore because I’m terrified I am going to get pregnant and go back into the rabbit hole of misery waiting to find out if the baby is ok. I have had 3 pregnancies and all were miscarriages. My most recent required surgery and I was off work a long time which effected us financially.
I get my self so aroused and want it but once it happens I’m so worried the condom is going to break and I’ll get pregnant and can’t wait for it to be over. I am not on BC and don’t want to be incase we decide to do fertility testing beyond what we already have. I’m even afraid sometimes to touch him like (HJ then touch myself after like that would get me pregnant or something.) it’s ruining my sex life and what little sex we do have is becoming painful because I can’t relax.
Anyone else?
7 comments
Would a non-hormonal option like a copper coil be any use? I don’t know what fertility testing involves
Try alcohol perhaps?
Losing a baby is very traumatic, your brain is trying to protect you from going through that again. Obviously if you get pregnant you run the risk of miscarriage as again which is more trauma.
You probably need some therapy to get through this. Also you might want to see a doctor and see why this keeps happening, if you find a cause and it could be treated then you will be less stressed about getting pregnant.
My mum miscarried 5 times before she had my brother, every pregnancy was very stressful until she was pregnant with my brother, before she conceived him she found she had a blood clotting disorder that was killing the babies, the doctor gave her blood thinners and he survived.
I am so sorry you are going through this, I hope that it will be worth it in the end.
That’s a lot to have on your mind and a lot that your body has gone through. You may need to consider counseling. It honestly sounds like a trauma response and the process of dealing with traumatic events is not easy. You can’t just force your brain and body to get over it. You need to be able work through it, and honestly most of us were never taught the proper steps to deal with trauma.. we are taught to just ignore it and “get over it”… that’s not how the body or the brain works. Trauma can literally remap your neurological pathways. Your brain knows that sex can lead to pregnancy, and your brain wants to protect your from future trauma. Trying to force yourself through it is not going to help, it will likely make it worse.
You are hyperfocusing, on “what ifs” instead of enjoying what’s actually happening.
I think you two should have a serious conversation about having children, if you two want them then seek medical help to best your chances of that.
Or it’s too much or too risky, or just not worth the heartache, and you two decide children are not what you guys want, then birth control could be an option, a vasectomy can also be an option as well.
Oh sis. Hugs. You are so so not alone. Had this issue after pregnancy loss too. And all the subsequent pregnancies are so hard… just waiting for the other shoe to drop… trying not to worry but still worrying bc it’s normal to worry.
So then it’s like a weird mix of fear and grief and anxiety. Blah. It’s no wonder getting in a place where partnered sex works again is tough. I wish someone had been able to talk to me after my loss. I’m gonna try and write my ideal talk out, if I could time travel and go visit me during that period:
“Hey you. You’re lovely. Sex kinda sucks right now. I know. That super stinks.
That’s not going to last forever. But it will take time, I don’t know how long. Probably months rather than years but who knows?
Right now your partnered sex life is like a tiny seedling that’s been stomped on. It might still make it. It *might* wither away, too. Having lots of [self-compassion will help.](https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Tender-SelfCompassion-Break-2.mp3)
Here’s some things that might help it grow a bit more:
* **embrace that solo sex you’re able to still enjoy.** It’s good! That’s good self care. I know you feel guilty that your guy isn’t getting any from it. That’s OK. He can take care of himself. Just let him know you need to nurture this part of yourself right now. Let him be a grownup about his own needs. You don’t have to take care of that for him. You do you. Haha unintentional pun.
* **find some people that wake up your light** hang w some other women who can relate. Go make jokes about the black thoughts that go through your head right now. Like wanting to wear giant noise cancelling headphones at the store bc the sounds of little kids makes you want to knock the store displays down. Go be with some people. Wake up the dead parts inside you. Don’t put all that on just you. And don’t put all that on your SO. He’s grieving too, maybe he’ll find some people of his own. (Don’t count on it tho, just being real here. Guys are like taught to not do that. It’s messed up but… pick your battles, love.)
* **allow yourself to have some boundaries about partnered sex**. You don’t have to have sex that’s not enjoyable. That’s a good boundary. You can total say “hold up. I’m having feelings. PIV isn’t going to work right now for me. I’d like to cuddle now instead.” Or maybe it looks like “I will not do sex stuff that’s making me feel freaked out.” Or “I’m not going to have PIV for a few weeks. I will revisit how I feel about it in December. It’s really just stressful for me and I’m not enjoying it.”
Here’s some stuff you’ll be tempted to try that will backfire on you like a mofo:
* **trying to figure out how you feel before you tell your SO** or how to fix how you feel- that’s even harder. Just let it hang out. Tell him you’d like him to listen and not fix. Tell him the story of your mind during sex. Let him in more. Trust him to be a good friend. And forgive him when he reacts out of his own feelings. You’re awesome and can heal these hurts. But not in silence.
* **”Just Do It” and “Fake It Til You Make It”** These strategies are about to help you form very very very bad habits around sex. Around how you treat yourself. Around how you treat your partner. Getting sex to be fun again after doing these things will be FUCKING BRUTAL TEDIOUS WORK. For real. You will spend hours typing comments on Reddit in the future just to avoid doing said work.
Goddammit.
Guess I have to wrap this up. Booo. How dare I confront my own self??
Anyhow. So many hugs OP. I hope you can heal and be gentle with yourself. Your anxiety is trying to protect you, tell you important things. It isn’t tell you facts. But it is telling you stuff you can listen to, acknowledge and grow from. 💚
Sounds like a case were talking to a therapist about your anxiety and feelings of loss would help. I mean, you have been on a crazy emotional rollercoaster. It’s entirely understandable for you to feel things like this. I think you should try to give yourself the space to feel whatever you are feeling. Don’t push yourself to hard. I hope your husband is being entirely understanding.
And sounds like you do want intimacy and maybe sexual release? Maybe just do things that make you two feel close and intimate, but without sex. Try some deep cuddling. If you do want to try sex, try things that have no realistic risk of pregnancy like oral sex or just hands. Even with just oral or hands you could have him wear a condom if even getting semen on your hands makes you paranoid about pregnancy. But you having anxiety around things that have no reasonable risk makes me go back to the therapy thing.
Talk to you husband if he’s confused or not fully understanding. Let him know your hesitancy around sex has nothing to do with how much you love him or are attracted to him, but you need time to process all your emotions around these miscarriages.