Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but looking for advice on an office situation.
I had a zoom call with my supervisor yesterday, & at the end of the call he said he wanted to discuss something with me, but wasn’t sure if it would be better to discuss it in person, but then said “I’ll tell you this right now, so you have some time to think about it & get back to me”. He then proceeded to ask me if I felt I was being bullied in my team. He specifically told me that nobody should be bullied because of the way they are, for example if someone was bullied because of the way they looked (all this words & his example). I’m wondering whether to discuss the situation below and if yes, then what’s the best way to discuss this with him.
Last week we had a work dinner. Towards the end of the event this girl T wanted to get a group pic of all the fellows with all 3 of our supervisors.. I just happened to be the last to get into position for the pic & just went & stood in front of her by chance cos she was right in front of me, everyone else is much taller & I’m the smallest.. & then one of the supervisors started clicking pics, & T from behind kept telling me softly “move, my dress can’t be seen”, she said that 3-5 times & kept tickling me from behind so all my pics were terrible. I kept telling her to stop tickling me & she would softly say my dress isn’t in the pic & then tickle me more. And then after the supervisor finished taking the pics I asked to see them & saw how bad they were & asked her to take another pic cos T had been tickling me. & then T said something like “oh it’s just fun/ funny” & it really triggered me & I just instinctively called her behaviour out of saying “why are you tickling me, are you trying to humiliate me?”. It was very instinctive, I didn’t even realise I was thinking it until I said it. & After that she immediately got it & got in line & we quickly took a pic. But by then I was already feeling quite humiliated about being humiliated, & embarrassed about getting triggered, & angry at myself for not staying composed & saying something. I didn’t say it loudly, I said it softer than normal speaking volume, but I’m sure everyone heard it. I couldn’t even smile for the “nice” photo that we took & I could tell from the way the supervisor was looking at me that she could tell I was uncomfortable (her look was compassionate though, not demeaning).
After some self-reflection at home, I realised a few things about this situation:
1 – Firstly, the thing I didn’t like abut this situation was the passive-aggressive bullying. People have used this “oh it’s just fun/ funny” excuse as a way of not taking responsibility for the situation.
She also said the “my dress can’t be seen” so softly that only I (& maybe the person standing on her other side) could hear her, but nobody else did (I have discussed this with another colleague Y who was in the group pic, who heard what I said – “stop tickling” & “are you trying to humiliate me”, but not what she said – “my dress can’t be seen”).
2 – The lack of integrity of the situation also bothers me. A while back, T had taken some pics at an office lunch & had posted some really bad ones in the MS-Teams group. She always does this, takes pics & then posts them instantly in the group without any thought or curating, just that I don’t socialise too much in the group so hadn’t yet been at the receiving end of this till now, but know that others in our team talk about it & don’t like it. It’s a known fact that one must be very careful about the pics that we post, esp in work situations, so when she posted about 2-3 of my bad pics, I told her quite nicely to not do so (see screenshots).
[https://i.imgur.com/R8UGg5b.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/R8UGg5b.jpg)
[https://i.imgur.com/2NuEhI3.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/2NuEhI3.jpg)
As you can see in the screenshots, she proceeded to ask me for other colleagues’ “embarrassing pics” & I declined. But it left me with a very poor impression of her – the complete lack of integrity, having one set of rules for herself & another for others.
3 – Yes, the third thing that I wasn’t happy about was that I got triggered by her behaviour & my own reaction to it. I should’ve maintained my composure & managed the situation better.
I’m sure my supervisor only heard what I said – “stop ticking” & “are you trying to humiliate me”, but not what she said “my dress can’t be seen”.
To add to this, T & I were up for a promotion in the Dept, which T was given, not me. This is what my supervisor called me about yesterday, to let me know that T was selected, & then proceeded to ask me about the bullying thing.
Now I’m wondering if I should discuss this/ go into all these details with my supervisor. Tbh, I’m not even sure if this was the incident he’s talking about (I’m a bit meek so tend to be a little bullied sometimes; plus despite everything he still gave her the promotion). & if yes, then how should I discuss it without coming across as bitter.
2 comments
If you want to take it to the nuclear level, mention tickling may be an expression of paraphilia and the behavior may be construed as sexual harassment.
If it’s a one off situation, vs chronic, maybe go easier on them.
I wouldn’t let it slide tbh. You’re probably not the only one she acts like this to, and it apparently was enough to catch the notice of your supervisor. Letting it slide means that she’s going up the promotion ladder and could be acting like this to her direct reports. Plus if this behavior is found out later, it would put the company under fire for not addressing it sooner and allowing behavior that makes others uncomfortable. Your boss asked, so just provide them with the things she said here that made you uncomfortable. It’ll be on them to take action, so you don’t need to worry about confronting her.
Plus it’s also a good sign that your supervisor noticed, rather than just ignored you, even if it’s not about the situation you mentioned here. If you feel that your supervisor doesn’t have your back, that’s a big red flag for your environment.