Sorry for the long read in advance.
I’ll start at the beginning. I’m the second oldest(37m) of five kids, and I’m Irish twins with my older brother Tom(38m). There’s also my younger siblings, Simone (35f), Josh(33m) and Patrick(32m). The joke among us siblings is that our parents didn’t discover what condoms were until after the youngest sibling was born.
Me and Tom were raised together as twins basically, so we’ve always been very close. At his wedding to his wife Hope(38f), I was his best man. Me and Hope got along together very well, and she became the other sister I always wanted. We would always hang out and double date whenever I was with someone. Hell we’d hang out solo on occasion and go to concerts.
Tom and Hope had their first kid Justin(10m), and I became the best uncle I possibly could be. I would gladly babysit him when I got the chance, and hell, even just take him for the fun of it. Tom and Hope even joked that I was trying to take their kid from them. Then a few year later, they had twin girls Lindsay and Alex(6f). Those two were a handful, but I loved them just as much as I did Justin.
Then five years ago, tragedy struck. Tom died in an auto accident. The less said about this, the better, but I don’t think I have to tell you that I was broken beyond repair. This was my older brother, my confidant and my best friend and he died so suddenly and so unfairly. I was a mess, but Hope was catatonic for a few days. She took it even worse than I did, and who the hell could blame her? Thankfully we had a tremendous amount of support from friends and family, and with therapy, and a lot of time we’ve come to healthily process our grief and overcome it.
In the immediate aftermath, I pledged myself to Hope and the kids. I could never replace Tom, but I did what I could to fill in where I could. If that included taking Justin to the park, helping him with homework, changing the twins diapers, or fixing stuff around the house, I was there with bells on. Eventually, this just became routine, we had dinner together, I would hang out and make sure everyone and everything was okay.
Those kids became my world, Justin took it hard since he and his dad were close, so he latched on to me hard. The twins however, never knew him so they were perfectly happy. I actually credit their ignorance and happiness with helping me through that time.
There’s a lot more I can write about that time, but I think you get the point. I was hanging around Hope and the kids so much that we became like a little family of our own. I would never try to take my brothers place, but I’m not blind to dynamics. They need me, and I need them.
Me and Hope already had a sibling bond before Tom’s passing, but it was strengthened through trauma bonding afterward. We found comfort in each other, telling stories about Tom and just crying in each other’s arms. After a year or so, I dragged her to a concert so she could begin to feel normal. It was hard for her at first, but in the end she appreciated it. She started slowly going out over the next few months, at her own pace. Whether it just be for dinners, parties, museum visits, or even just walks, we both started to live our lives again. Over the past five years I dare say we became dependent on each other.
But things have begun changing with us over the past couple of years. For example, two years ago, she saw me swiping on Tinder and she just sorta rolled her eyes and said that I could do better than random Tinder chicks. We went to a party her work was having last year and she was sorta flirting with this guy and I got pretty jealous. I went on a date earlier in the year and she looked a little upset at first when I told her about it. The twins made me cards for Father’s day, and I started tearing up in front of them. Hope just said with a smile “well if the shoe fits”. “Even my parents straight up told me that I should ask her out since we were basically a couple already. I told them they were crazy, but surprisingly even my siblings agreed.
There were other small incidents, but those are the big ones that had me noticing our changing dynamic. In the summer she floated the idea of me moving in to cut down on costs and because I “basically lived at their house anyway”. Then just last week we were drinking wine on her couch after putting the kids to bed, and I felt energy between us, like sexual tension. I think she noticed it to, because she was kind of awkward, and not her usual silly self when she’s had a few glasses of wine.
There was a moment when we were talking where I wanted to kiss her, and I SWEAR she was leaning in. But I put a stop to it before I went to far. I now realize that I have feelings for her, strong ones, and I think she feels the same way.
For what it’s worth, I’ve done some polling amongst our family and friends. Her parents and sisters love me, and they’d be happy if we got together. Some of our friends think it’s cute, but could be a little messed up. My family is begging me to do it anyway. Me personally, I don’t know.
I don’t know if what we’re feeling is real, or just trauma bonding. Hell, I don’t even know if she feels the same way and I’m just misreading things. Plus there’s my brother’s memory lingering over me. I feel like I’m picking up his life and taking it over, especially by trying to get with his wife. It makes me feel so damn guilty. But I can’t help feeling the way I feel.
So reddit, what the hell do I do? Should I ask her out? Is this wrong to do with a grieving widow? Should I just let sleeping dogs lie?
Tl;dr: My brother died, I tried my best to help my brother’s family in the aftermath, we become a family, and I develop feelings for widowed sister-in-law
23 comments
I’m sorry for the loss of your brother.
I was worried that you were married before I read your story, so you actually have a pretty wholesome situation. Heck, it fits the law in the Torah (the Hebrew Bible or Old Testament)! So don’t feel guilty because of it.
It may be worthwhile to just sit her down sometime to talk, and ask: “Hope, I’ve really enjoyed helping with the kids, and spending time with you. I see what my brother saw in you, I think. Do you think we should actually consider ourselves a couple? Does it make sense? Would you want to?” You present it as a question to answer, something to talk about, not as a confession.
Does this help?
I think what matters is what you think about Hope.
Ignore guilty feelings about your brother. That is a situation you accept because you can’t change it.
Ignore the love you have for the kids. You can have that as an uncle if Hope remarries someone else.
How do you feel about Hope? Do you love her? Would she be a good partner to you? Can you see a marriage with her and building a life together for the next 5-25 years? If so, go for it.
You guys kept each other afloat during a terrible time. If there’s even a chance at a happy ending I think you guys owe it to yourselves to have a conversation.
Edit to add: I’m so sorry for your loss. Sadly I know that depth of heartbreak and devastation.
I think it is important to have an open conversation with her. A few things though… is she truly grieving anymore? It sounds like you two helped each other move on. You have already been asking other people but not her.
I think if you do it that you are both open about your feelings and concerns along with past trauma. Individual and maybe Couples therapy would even be helpful to explore these emotions and make sure fear or worry you are doing something wrong isn’t going to control the relationship.
I think you both know what is going on but it is scary and the fear that you are disrespecting your brother or his wife is obviously there which is why you need therapy.
Let what’s happened naturally take its course.
There’s a reason you feel the way you do. There’s a reason you’ve fallen into place there.
Talk to her. If she feels the same way then move forward with no regrets.
Do you really think your brother would look down on y’all and be mad?? (Who gives af what anyone else thinks btw.) Or do you think he would be happy to see you two happy and grateful that his wife and children are loved and taken care of by a man whom he loved dearly too?
(On another note, historically it has been the responsibility of the husband’s brothers to care for the widows in their family, if that means anything to you.)
I wish you two all the best of luck.
>The twins and made me cards for Father’s day, and I started tearing up in front of them. Hope just said with a smile “well if the shoe fits”
Did anyone else read what Hope said as “Would you ask me out already?” like I did?
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>In the summer she floated the idea of me moving in to cut down on costs and because I “basically lived at their house anyway”
You know Hope. You know what she’s been through. Who else would she want to move in but someone she thinks she could build a life with?
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>I feel like I’m picking up his life and taking it over, especially by trying to get with his ~~wife~~ widow.
Listen, I’m sorry you lost your brother. That’s truly tragic. My wife lost a sister not too long ago and both my wife’s father and my father passed years ago. Death sucks. But life goes on. I’m a little more cynical than most because I worked part time for a funeral home for three years and I’ve seen a lot of death and how people handle it. At some point, you have to move forward. You can absolutely continue to honor and respect his memory but it wouldn’t be fair to either of you to put your lives on hold forever. For all you know, your brother’s spirit is hanging around yelling at you to take care of his former partner as well as you take care of his kids. To fill his shoes and help them be a “happy and complete family” once again.
Some night very soon, after the kids are in bed, sit Hope down and have the conversation. Get things out in the open so that you can both figure out how to move forward. If she’s open to dating, take it slow at first. If she’s not, accept that and talk about how you two move forward given your budding feelings. But one way or another, you probably need to clear the air with her.
OP, I’m a woman and trauma survivor or a different variety. But Hope sounds like she wants you and wants you bad. I mean she asked you to move in with her and her children, her twin daughters see you as their father. What more do you need to see?
The fathers day card with the twins is the most adorable thing I think I’ve ever read.
Don’t overthink it. I know two couples who ended up together this way, both couples married happily for years. Would your brother want you guys to be happy?
That’s actually almost exactly how my grandma and grandpa ended up together, and they had a long happy marriage until my grandfather finally passed away. When my dad was a toddler his birth father was killed in a car accident. Sometime, several years later, his mom and her late husband’s brother fell for each other and got married. They even adopted a daughter together, and he legally adopted my father so that he could call both of the children his. If you love her, and love the kids, there’s nothing wrong with letting yourselves pursue something deeper.
Shoot your shot, OP. She’s patiently waited a long time. You can’t honestly believe that her friends and family haven’t spoken to her about this, right? Especially after you spoke to them about it. She knows and she’s waiting.
I mean 150 years ago men often married their brothers widows to provide for them, so why not.
I was Hope. My BIL and I fell in love. I stopped it because I felt guilty. It’s the biggest regret of my life. He has also passed now and I really wish I said yes to a relationship. I miss him every day and it’s been 21 years since he passed.
You are doing everything right. This is not you replacing your brother. What this is is you moving on to the next stage of your life, of hers and of your family’s. What happened was tragic, but what is happening now is beautiful and genuine. It’s ok to not pursue anything more if it’s not what you really want, but if it is… don’t be afraid.
> told me that I should ask her out since we were basically a couple already. I told them they were crazy, but surprisingly even my siblings agreed.
We, strangers on the internet – far away, agree with those who are close to you. Just go for it.
Ask her out.
I can’t tell you what you feel. But, based on your family’s reactions, I can tell you your brother would want you to be happy.
From your description, it sounds like in your grief, you found the way to take care of his family when he couldn’t and I think that if he is possibly watching you from above, he would be grateful. It seems you are very conscious of the fact you don’t want to be and could never be a replacement for him, which tells me your intentions are pure- you really do care both for your brother and for his family and I think it’s the best any one of us could ever ask for.
If anything ever happened to me and my family was just left behind, I can only wish my siblings would be able to do as much as you have.
Your brother isn’t there for you to get his approval anymore, but your family is and I can only assume that outside of his wife they knew him best. So if it’s his approval you seek, it sounds like you already have it. If there is anyone that you know was closer to him than your family I would talk to them for approval as well. I would maybe even go to his grave and talk to him- ask for approval, yell him your intentions, that you aren’t trying to replace him and that you would do anything to protect them. You might not get an answer, but I do think it might bring you peace.
But eventually, the person who really knew him best and who’s approval you really need- is his wife.
Have an honest conversation with her about how you feel about her and how you’re scared you’re taking your brothers place. Maybe give her something to show that is not ever your intention such as a photograph of him or some sort of a momento that reminds you of him.
It’s been 5 years and if you make each other happy, you deserve to be happy again and I would think your brother would probably want it for you both too. He would want to know his family is safe and loved and he probably trusts you a lot more than any stranger. The fact your siblings feel the same, when it could’ve been any of them in his place is also very telling as to how he probably would’ve felt about the situation.
If you’re serious about it, give it a chance. Hope won’t wait forever.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you two already *are* a couple, there’s just one bridge to cross. I would talk to her – this doesn’t sound horrible, it doesn’t sound complicated, it sounds like something good.
It might sound trite but there is a wonderful TV series that deals with this exact situation. It’s called *This Is Us* and it’s on Amazon Prime.
Over the seasons, you see how after a tragedy (father of 3 passing away), the mother struggles to come to terms, so dad’s best friend helps take care of the family. Sexual tension develops and neither know what to do.
In that story, dad’s friend and mom end up together in a lifelong loving, supportive relationship. Kids take some time to adjust and there are difficult moments. But the moral of this part of the story is that love beats loneliness and pain.
Now I’m not trying to say you should make your judgements on a TV show. And stories are stories, reality is less predictable.
But to me, it sounds like the kids love you, the mom loves you, and you love them. You already know this can work, and deep down I think you want it to. Can you imagine marrying someone else? If you imagine getting married and starting a family, who is in that picture?
I know you feel guilty, and who can blame you. But if someone was going to take over your brother’s role in the family, wouldn’t you think he would be happy if he knew it was you?
You don’t have anything to lose by trying and it seems like most other people around you have noticed how close you two are. I say go for it.
Hey, just wanted to say, that it isn’t unusual for this exact scenario to happen – a spouse passes away, and over the years, the window and the sibling develop feelings for each other. It’s okay and it often leads to long and happy marriages. Grief is complex, life has stages, and this happened naturally and honestly, with no machinations on your part.
Go for it. Would your brother want his wife to be lonely and unhappy for the rest of her life, or would he want her to end up with the best man he knows and trusts?
I don’t think it’s that deep. It sounds like everyone still living wants it to happen. You, the kids, Hope, parents, siblings. Everyone will be happy. Just do it.
Trauma bond. Proceed with caution.
Maybe I just read too many books with tragic plots, but I don’t think this is that weird. If you have feelings for each other, you should get together. It’s not like she and your brother just broke up.