Weird question I know.
Recently started seeing a woman who’s a bit younger, but she seems to wear expensive clothing, and though she doesn’t act like it gives me some sort of wants all the best stuff, class symbol sort of vibes. Previous ex was very wealthy.
It’s made me feel a little insecure being im 30, living in a tiny studio in a city that’s not the nicest. I have a stable job that pays well (top 90% for my age), great benefits and my main focus has been travel and enjoying life. Im content in where I am and have recently buckled down on finances/retirement savings and my fitness.
I’m just wondering, when dating, how closely do you look at these things? Materialistic things like what a person owns or their career drive/want for more in their life.
17 comments
Having all those materialistic things is just an added bonus. At the end of the day, love and respect is what is most important. Situations can change, someone can become disabled or lose their job. But if that foundation of love is there, then that’s what really matters.
As long as you are content with your life, that’s good. I am too old for materialistic things. In my circle, I knew some people who wear expensive things, later I found that they are struggling with debts to buy those items. Well, thanks for it.
If they could afford to buy something like that, I would be happy for them. A few of my friends are still frugal even though they are making bank. Salute!
Some people want someone on a similar level financially and in terms on long term financial planning. Some don’t care. Since I date casually, I don’t care. If I were to ever get into a committed relationship again, I’d prefer someone near my level, but it wouldn’t be a requirement. However, I’d never mix finances with someone nor am I interested in getting married. Cohabitation is, at best, an iffy prospect.
She can afford these nice things without you, so it should not be a major dealbreaker. How you connect with someone is more important!
Does this person give me a different, new perspective?
Is this person fun to be around?
Am I even attracted to this person?
I want someone who’s similar to me in terms of wealth, and more importantly, how they spend money. Some would think my lifestyle is excessive, but more important to me is the fact that I’m putting half my after-tax income into long-term savings.
Don’t compare yourself to her ex. She’s with you and choosing you. At some point she’ll reach a comfort level to wear casual low key clothes around you.
I don’t care too much as they’re financially stable and happy with what they have and are doing. Someone with a similar income would be ideal, and I prefer to date people with college educations or higher, but they aren’t deal breakers.
I avoid people who care about expensive or luxury brands, I see it mostly as a waste of money. I care more about good quality and sustainability.
Don’t date her if she looks down on you.
I definitely consider career (earning potential and work life balance) when dating.
As much as people can claim that love conquers all and connection is all that matters – there’s a lot less worries when both parties are easily able to fund the relationship. Money is one of the big issues in a lot of marital breakdowns.
My partner and I currently make $350k+ AUD combined which probably has the potential to hit $450+ over the next few years if we both work full time. It’s not quite an even split but both are $150k+
We’re pretty good with money (mostly savings) but it also allows us a lot of freedoms. We don’t like to cook and can easily afford to eat out most nights, we can hire a gardener/cleaner to save time and spend that time together.
Plus, if anyone in our family is sick we can afford to help them.. or if either one of us wants to reskill and change careers either of our incomes individually can keep our lifestyle going. Less pressure for either individual to worry about job security.
Eventually though, I’m guessing over the next few years my girlfriend will start working part time. We both want a fairly high cost of living lifestyle, but also recognise that time is the valuable resource.
It really depends on the person. I enjoy higher quality stuff but not really materialistic, and my bf tries to be a minimalist. It’s not an issue for us (yet) but I imagine for some couples it could cause some fights. Talk to her, ask how she sees money. Maybe go shopping together, see her spending habits for yourself.
I agree with the other poster who wrote that you shouldn’t worry about it. If she is able to buy the things she likes without you, it’s more about making sure you don’t act like you’re going to start supplying those things, otherwise she is likely not going to expect it.
At the same time, as someone who has a lot of nice things, I’ve been thinking twice about displaying that too early in a dating relationship for this reason – insecurity and “is the other person materialistic” or “poor with money”.
Story time: I’m very into handbags and have amassed myself a very nice luxury collection over the last couple of years (better paying job, less travel, cheaper living situation all allowing me to do so). I’d be bringing Chanel bags on dates. The last idiot I was seeing for a couple of months at one point had the audacity to make a comment “oh that’s a real Chanel?” about the bag I always use when we were talking about things we enjoy spending our money on, since he felt shy telling me about something he spent a good chunk of change on and I shared my love of handbags.
I was kind of offended since I don’t feel like I present myself as someone who would buy dupes. But then I realized it also likely made him wonder about my expectations of him and my spending habits, culminating in him finally asking about my salary literally hours before dumping me 🙃 which also confirmed my suspicions about his financial insecurity and I think a fair amount of men do have this with women who make a lot more – my salary was at least double his, FWIW.
I’ve been bringing a, relatively, modestly priced Coach bag on dates instead. It sparks less joy for me when putting outfits together but I also don’t want someone to feel this way (too materialistic, bad with money, “spoiled”) about me since I pride myself in being a successful, independent woman. I also know my spending habits will absolutely change once I’m in a relationship and have a family. But I’m single, making more money than I literally ever thought I would, and want to treat myself to things I like while I can.
My car also seems to create some sort of feeling, but I can do less about that at least for now. I also love my car so I’m not going to do anything about it lol
As for what I expect from my partner – just have a job that you don’t hate, that pays the bills, lets you contribute to retirement savings, and gives you some extra spending money for us to go out with and travel every now and then. Would I prefer someone who is a higher earner than I am? Yeah, I do think most women would. But its not a dealbreaker.
Not at all, but I’m a guy so…. You know…. It’s mine that matter… She was born with boobs and a vagina, that’s basically the only achievement for men that’s required.
I don’t care about those things at all. If someone does, I’m unlikely to make them anything more than a very casual sex partner.
Nice things are nice and both people get to enjoy them plus it shows you’re ready
This is very subjective. I want someone who’s in the 20% range (+ or -) of my income because I don’t want to carry the burden of continuing my lifestyle while doubling the expenses. And even if he’s more austere, then that’s not compatible.
But not everyone thinks this way, some people are more noble and really go for the soul, some are entrenched in gender stereotypes and some might change all of that for the person they think they’re right.
Not really important to me. But I’m someone who really doesn’t care about my own “achievements” and just wants to go to work and go home. I don’t have high aspirations or anything
I don’t care as long as they’re financially stable for themselves. Some of the dates I’ve respected and admired the most came from non traditional backgrounds and even if they had less than me in some ways I thought they were better people than me in many other ways due to their courage and character.
As another comment said though, I had a period in my mid 20s as a baby lawyer when I made more than I ever thought I would, saved half my income, but still had money to treat myself. So I have a few luxury bags, like the Chanel wallet I’ve had for the last four years. No one has ever openly asked about it, but I’ve sometimes swapped it out for a nondescript card case in certain situations just to avoid the questions. I’m not sure what else I can do to mitigate the assumption I’ll expect people to be on the same “level,” but I would hope that people listen to what I say and don’t prejudge based on what I have.
I’m more concerned about financial responsibility. Someone could own a lot of nice things and be drowning in debt. That lifestyle would be incompatible with me. There are certainly things I like to spend my money on but I have 0 debt and the thought of having nicer things but with a cc bill gives me anxiety.
I do think it’s important to have a joined financial goal if you’re living together. I spend most my income right now on travel and always have. I would struggle to put money aside for a fancy car or a watch or something materialistic and not be able to go to a destination. I get more joy from travel than materialistic things.