Hi everyone. So I’ve recently had a situation with my boyfriend and I was wanting to get some thoughts on it.
Me (19f) and my boyfriend (20m) have been dating for a little over a year. Recently though there’s been a bit of an issue and I’m wondering a little about what I should be doing. So I recently reconnected with someone from my past, for this post I’ll call him R (23m) to make it easier.
R and I used to be friends about a year ago and then we went on one date that went absolutely terribly. I won’t get into the details but it was a pretty traumatizing event for me and he and I completely fell out of contact. In the past couple months though we’ve started reconnecting over text and I remembered how great our friendship was and I wanted to give it a second chance.
The problem is my boyfriend sees him as my ex and absolutely hates R. He eventually agreed to me meeting up with R for dinner but was very upset the whole time. The thing that pushed him over the edge was when I got into R’s car to go get some ice cream and so we could talk about what happened, because we both want to work through it and go back to being friends again. My boyfriend followed us around for the whole night, ended up punching something when he was on his own (I think it was a sign or a pole or something like that, definitely not a person), and then when he picked me up he was very angry with me and drove in a way that made me feel very unsafe.
Now my boyfriend is the sweetest person I know, he’s not violent and he’s incredibly kind. But this situation with R is so upsetting to him that we’ve been getting into arguments about it all the time. This is really important to me because I want to get over the traumatic thing that happened to me and I would love to regain my friendship with R, but my boyfriend keeps going back and forth.
Sometime’s he’ll say that he’s okay with it and he trusts me to make the right decision, and then sometimes he’ll try and give me rules to follow when I’m with him. Like no drinking, no getting in his car, no physical contact of any kind, etc.
I guess I just don’t know what’s reasonable in this situation. It’s hard for me to look at this situation objectively so I really just want some outside perspectives on this
TL;DR I want to reconnect with someone from my past and my boyfriend doesn’t like him at all and wants to set rules for me to follow, what is reasonable in this sort of situation
EDIT: here’s the story of what happened between me and R
R and I were planning to hang out as friends and watch a movie together. I think it’s very important to mention that i was never interested in him romantically, I was only interested in a friendship. He ended up making a move on me during the movie and I froze in response. Things went further then i was comfortable with and we ended up not talking again because I was very uncomfortable with him. The reason I want to be his friend again is because we used to have a really good friendship and I truly believe he just made one mistake. But i never wanted to date him, the night sort of turned into a date but I was really just interested in him as a friend
EDIT 2: Just wanted to clear this up because this post has really gotten out of hand and i don’t have time to respond to all these comments. I understand that i am clearly in the wrong here but I would like to say that my relationship with my boyfriend is not completely doomed. He and i have a very strong relationship and neither of us are going to end it over this. Also i understand that everyone thinks that R SAed me and probably is only interested in me to have sex again, obviously this is something I’ve considered a lot. I don’t think he is only spending time with me to get with me, but obviously i cant convince everyone of that. The objective of this post was to see if it was reasonable for my boyfriend to be upset with me and setting rules, clearly everybody thinks it’s reasonable and that I’m a terrible person. Im not naive, I’m well aware of the situation here and i was just trying to get some other perspectives on this. I probably won’t be replying to many more comments but i am reading a lot of them and i am genuinely considering what everyone is saying (at least the constructive stuff).
26 comments
> it was a pretty traumatizing event for me
What happened?
IMHO, we can’t really say what’s reasonable. You can say what you’ll accept.
Your BF is making his feelings known. He’s uncomfortable. He may or may not be justified in his feelings, but regardless he feels how he feels. You have to decide how important his feelings are to you in relation to how important this friendship with R is.
~~I don’t like that your bf punched something as a way of dealing with his anger. That’s alarming to me and would definitely have me thinking about how much weight I wanted to give his opinion.~~
ETA: if my SO decided to prioritize a friendship with some who sexually assaulted them over my feelings, I might be frustrated enough to punch a wall too.
Here’s a ton of discussion for you to check out:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/yrk3lx/married_women_having_platonic_male_friends_yes_or/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
TLDR: It’s a good idea to have boundaries and to communicate them clearly with your significant other. If she or you are unwilling to accept and respect the others” boundaries, then there is not enough respect and commitment in the relationship to continue.
If the old friend did something on the date like sexual assault, I can see why he would punch a wall. He doesn’t want his gf hanging out with a piece of shit. I don’t see what’s so hard about understanding that
Flip it, are you ok with your boyfriend being friends with someone had a date with?
I’m in the group of people who thinks it’s ok to be friends with an ex, your boyfriend isn’t in the same group as I am. If you’re like me and fine with your boyfriend being friends with his ex, but he isn’t in our group…. then you have a choice. You can either not be friends with exes/past dates, try to convince your bf that it’s fine, or break up. That’s all there is to this.
You’re only 19, there are men out there who are ok with it. Is this friendship more important than the relationship? That’s the ultimate question
I think you’re better off without both of these clowns. To put it nicely, R pushed your boundaries for his own sexual gratification and you bf has anger issues that could escalate. You’re 19, there are a whole lot of romantic opportunities out there and neither of these guys are good enough for you (or anyone else for that matter). Also, get some therapy. 5-6 sessions might help you understand the SA and it’s aftermath and why you seem to be attracted to abusers.
* R and I used to be friends about a year ago and then we went on one date that went absolutely terribly. I won’t get into the details but it was a pretty traumatizing event for me and he and I completely fell out of contact
Personally I would not feel comfortable with my wife hanging out with someone who she had such a traumatizing experience with she cant even mention it.
Obviously you are your own person and can make your own choices, but you have to understand why that would make someone uncomfortable.
*Go see your doctor, he can give you a prescription for common sense medication.*
*Why would you reconnect with someone who did something to you and then get into his vehicle to get ice cream. Share that medication with your boyfriend to, his behavior is irrational and chaotic, punching a sign and driving like a crazy man is childish behavior.*
*Reconnect with this friend who assaulted you at your own risk, we all know what is going to happen again.*
Leaving out the details of what R did was huge…
Your boyfriend wants to protect you. He wants you to be around trustworthy people. Being friends again with someone who even on a smaller level sexually assaulted you is a bad move honestly. Your boyfriend sees that. The risk just can’t be worth the gain. I am 100% with him on this one. Also no matter how much he trusts you this will look like you are obsessed with a guy who assaulted you. There is no good way to frame that.
R may have learned from his mistake and even if it was a smaller one. That is still a type of mistake that should 100% end a relationship for ever. I am so glad you learned to forgive and got some closure. Continuing the relationship at the cost to your boyfriends feelings and those of anyone else who loves you and knows what he did can’t be worth it.
Here is a mental exercise: Ask yourself, “Would I ever do to this person what they did to me?” Try to imagine what kind of mindset you would have to be in to take that kind of action against them. Try to imagine the level of disregard you would have to have for their wants and needs and personhood. That will give you some insight into the way they think about you. Is that really someone you want to keep in your life? Hold other people to the standard that you hold for yourself. Don’t let anyone treat you in a way you wouldn’t treat them. This goes for your boyfriend too. Would you drive fast and stress him out if you knew he had just gotten out of a situation with someone who potentially made him feel unsafe?
This may be an impassable conflict in your relationship. Your boyfriend may not want to give you an ultimatum, but it seems from the outside like it’s going to be a tension for as long as you try to maintain both.
Also, closure can be a lot of different things. You don’t have to forgive to find closure. You don’t have to let someone back in your life to heal. It’s okay to make peace and part ways. That doesn’t make you bitter or broken. It’s okay to move on without absolving people who hurt us.
My perspective as an outsider:
People who go on to sexually assault someone can be very good at being charming and seeming like a friend. Be careful.
I don’t love that your boyfriend punched something in anger. Be careful there, too.
Is R really a friend if he SAed you? He clearly sees you as more than a platonic friend. And if you’re going to therapy to heal from this trauma, why do you think befriending the person who caused the trauma is a good idea? Talk to your therapist and see if they think you should be friends with them. You can forgive him, but you shouldn’t be welcoming him back into your life.
Also, your boyfriend doesn’t express is anger in a healthy way. You should leave before that sign becomes your face. Find better people to spend your time with.
I wasted my time reading this post smh. Girl is wondering why your boyfriend is mad that your hanging around a guy u used to date and now your wondering why he’s mad that your hanging with a guy that sexually assaulted you. Lmfao I couldn’t make this shit up even if I tried.
These details are way too spotty, and the post seems to be an obvious attempt at karma-farming.
But if it’s true, the part about your BF following you around, punching something in anger, and driving unsafely means that he IS a violent person.
Again, though, not relevant because not true.
Okay, first, your bf should have been with you for this. Not having to follow you to keep you safe. If R traumatized you, do not be his friend. Get your closure and walk away. Your poor bf is probably traumatized now too.
Girl your bf is right stop being selfish
No man in his right mind entertains any males around their significant other. He might as well break it off and let you reconnect. Fact is you miss the attention of this other male. I know you have fantasized about him before despite your ‘spite’ for him.
Neither of the men you’re around sound the best. Why would you hang out with someone if an event with them was traumatizing and you had the option not to? I understand it can be hard to leave, but he could have essentially been an “ex” depending on what you did and whatever feelings were there.
^^^ after reading that it was sexual assault…. OP absolutely you need to drop this. If you want to keep your boyfriend, you need to drop R. Your own boyfriend is playing second fiddle to a person who sexually assaulted you? No wonder he’s getting upset.
On that note, the boyfriends reaction is understandable. It can be discouraging, annoying even, to have someone talk about how traumatic something was only to go back to it. ESPECIALLY adding on that you liked each other at some point enough to go on a date. This almost seems like it’s R or your boyfriend at this point, and if I were your boyfriend I’d be upset about you wanting to die on this hill. It seems as if you had kept him on the back burner. Ofc we don’t have too much context, but that’s what it looks like.
Please never stay in places you feel unsafe in. It’s not fair to yourself and can lead to hardships later on.
Edit…. OP clarified what happened in the comments..
You are very specific about not stating what the trauma was. Regardless of what it was rekindling a friendship with this person is an awful idea before you process that trauma with a therapist. I would not be okay with you trying to process your trauma in this fashion. Get professional help for this trauma. Get their opinion on how to approach this with the cause of the trauma. I would have much more confidence in your contact with this person if it was endorsed by a mental health professional.
Leave your boyfriend, you don’t deserve him. You want the guy who sexually assaulted you be your friend again. That is as stupid as it can be.
Why is this friendship with R so important to you?
I think maybe you should get some therapy about the sexual assault you encountered from R before you even get anywhere *near* him, because it sounds to me like you’re trying to find closure from the person who hurt you, and depending on if he acknowledges what he did or not, you may or may not get it from him.
So… when you were potentially still a minor (you are currently 19 and have been dating your current bf for a little over a year so… since you were 17 or 18) — a legal adult male sexually assaulted you. You were traumatized, but blame yourself for “sending the wrong signals” and out of–? what? Guilt? now want to befriend /refriend the adult perv who assaulted you (when you were probably still legally a child). Even if you were 18, there is still a huge difference between an 18 year old and 22 year old. Almost as big a gap as a 12 and 16 year old. Your crazy therapist thinks this is a good idea. Your bf is (understandably) frustrated/worried by it. And you want to know what random internet strangers think is reasonable? Ok: Cut all contact with R. Period. Permanently. You do not owe him anything, he has already taken enough, and he cannot give you the closure you are seeking. Get a new, sane therapist. BF’s “rules” actually sound reasonable (not getting in car, etc) since you apparently lack good sense. The unsafe driving, hitting a pole could be red flags or could be just an immature guy not knowing how to express his frustration/worry over a very fucked up decision by his gf.
Look, at the end of the day I worry you are being very naive about R. There is not really any friendship to go back to given what went down and even if it was only one date he is still functionally an ex and you seem to acknowledge that would make a difference. I can see why your partner is anxious about you trying to go down that path again, let alone the risks that come with it if nothing has changed.
But your BF is showing some worrying signs as well. While he might not seem prone to violence reality is he punched something and that is frequently the starting point of escalation. Be very conscious of whether he is ever more physical with you than previously because the odds he will be have gone up exponentially. The fact he is so readily stalking you and setting pretty unrealistic boundaries is also a major concern, especially if he isn’t putting more into learning to articulate his concerns. At the end of the day actions speak louder than words and it is clear he doesn’t trust you or rather he can’t.
Time to step back. I get why you want to resolve things with R, maybe you hope that will give you closure on the incident and undo some of the hurt. But any partner conscious of what you are doing is going to be anxious about it since it is so clearly a bad idea. On the other hand that doesn’t vindicate the way that your bf is handling it, and in this fallout he has demonstrated that he himself has a few red flags you can’t afford to ignore.
Neither of these men are safe or healthy for you to be with. The face you can’t see that is proof. Your ex friend sexually assaulted you. Your current partner has put you in danger by driving recklessly after punching something?
You need to be alone and do some therapy.
R sexually assaulted you and obviously that was/is traumatizing… Seriously why on earth do you want to spend any time whatsoever with this piece of shit? No wonder your partner is angry and worried. You’re literally putting R above your boyfriend and are surprised he doesn’t like this? You say you have an amazing boyfriend who’s sweet and all that yet you’d risk it all for a dude that’s sexually assaulted you and who knows what else he’s capable of?
I don’t think it’s wrong to want to fix things with an old friend. Your boyfriend is young and needs time to learn emotional regulation. He doesn’t have a right to set rules on you, but you have to make a choice on if you want to continue doing something that is hurting him. What is the greater good here? Are you able to heal in another way? Personally I think it’s your boyfriend that needs to work on himself bc what you’re doing isn’t wrong or unreasonable at all. As a 32f, I can’t imagine my partner setting rules on me on who I can and can’t spend time with. If he doesn’t like something, we talk about it. But he doesn’t own me nor have a right to control who I platonically spend time with.
I would wager that a lot of people attacking you are young people who feel entitled to controlling their own partners.