I (25 M) have been with GF (23) for over a year now, but I am worried that our futures are incompatible and we should break up.
Without going into too much detail, I have a very specific academic goal in mind which is incompatible with what my GF wants. In 2-3 years she wants to have children, but even though she works I would need to earn a decent wage too in order to make ends meet.
But the problem is I want to get a PhD at a one of a few top universities, and I’ve applied once in the past to several and failed to get funding. Technically I’m willing to fuck it up for years until I get in, and I have no interest in pursuing alternative career paths (which I have tried and disliked). I have been publishing more article to improve my chances, so it’s not a completely futile task. But in a modern academia setting this does mean that my career progression is effectively frozen until I make it. I’ve also invested disproportionate time into my academic career so I have no other career skills.
On a personal level I don’t care if I’m poor for years if I eventually prove myself academically. But I don’t want to inflict my (I freely admit) obsessive, narrow modus operandi onto a child, or of course my GF. I love her deeply and we are otherwise compatible, but this seems like a really fundamental problem and I’m having difficulty finding any other solution other than a breakup.
I haven’t raised this as an ultimatum yet, as it’s hard to not to come across as final and announcing a breakup from the outset. But we have talked about our long-term future, and this is what my GF wants, and what I want is different.
A second opinion on this is always welcome.
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tl;dr OP has an obsessive quest that leaves him too poor to support a family, GF wants a family in the not too distant future, is this absolutely an open-shut case for a breakup.
3 comments
End it, especially when it’s not too far into the relationship. Spare her and you the unnecessary heartache
Have you thought about doing your PhD in another country? Europe is rather generous with their PhD Funding and housing.
India, United Kingdom and Australia would also be decent places to study your PhD.
I have a PhD, a few people had kids during it, male and female. You could do it with a stipend, it’s not too hard if your partner works.
If that can’t happen for whatever reason, then you just have to choose. What country is this in? Are you looking everywhere or just home country?
Another option is part time PhD. What field are you in? You could potentially do part time PhD and teach at a university to pay for it (quite common).