My wife has suffered with anxiety her whole life. She has done a lot of work to manage it as well as medication. I understand that medication can have an impact on libido. So, I have learnt to dampen by own libido to help support her. We maybe have sex once or twice a month and this has almost always been the case for the last decade.
The other night She cried and revealed to me that she has only had sex with me in the past to fulfill her wifely duties. She does enjoy it when it happens but is never truly comfortable due to her anxiety. She told me that this is something she is working on and that I should ask for sex whenever I want it. In the moment, I said it’s fine because she was crying and I wanted to support her.
However, I now feel disgusting. I feel as if I’ve done something wrong by enjoying sex with her while she has been forcing herself to do it with me. I now feel like everytime I try to initiate, I am doing something wrong and terrible.
I know she meant well by telling me, but I don’t know how to get past this feeling. I think I am also starting to resent her a little bit and I hate that I am feeling like this.
I don’t know what to do or what to say to her without her feeling terrible about what she has told me.
Sorry for the rambling. Any advice?
15 comments
I get it you feel like you don’t want to have sex anymore because you find out that she’s been just doing you favor throwing you a bone to keep you satisfied happy while she was just faking it and not because she’s actually attracted to you. And you feel like you keep having sex with her she’ll can’t fake it anymore and stop having sex with you entirely.
Multiple times sex so she get used to you and perhaps more foreplay like getting more into the mood and love making , like making love to her must feel good for her aswel
Anxiety won’t go away in a Day or so as long the both of you stay together and you make her happy feel save it should be better during the time being.
Just have conversations regularly about each others feelings so the both of you know and feel each other knowing each and intentions that these are True and good and not faul intended.
I have been in a similar situation. You almost feel like you are assaulting the person. Understand she says that she enjoys it in the moment just has a hard time initiating. Try not to make this about you because it isn’t, though your feelings are justified.
She is not saying no or that she doesn’t find you attractive but that she is having anxiety issues about HERSELF that makes her uncomfortable. Its not a you problem. Women are generally very mental when it comes to sex. Maye try and praise her more or be more intimate and help boost her confidence. But its ultimately something she is working on so just give it some time.
what are you doing to help her enjoy sex?
I’d say therapy for both of you is necessary, as well as working to perhaps find a medication regimen that might be more effective in tackling the issues.
I guess the silver lining here is that she is open to you, does not seem repulsed by you, and does appear to want to be intimate with you. Be encouraging and reassuring, and encourage her openness with you. Best wishes.
It sounds like she has responsive sexual desire, as she said she does enjoy having sex with you. The anxiety around sex is an issue that it sounds like she is aware of and you say she’s working on. Is that alone or with a therapist?
It’s completely understandable that you feel the way you do. She hasn’t been honest with you until now, and you care about her so you’re upset that something you thought was mutually wanted was actually anxiety inducing for her.
You need to have an honest conversation with her about how this makes you feel, and about what progress she has made so far in therapy (if she is currently seeing a therapist), or if she is willing to see a therapist. If this is something that she has made significant progress with and is likely to be resolved over time, that is a very different situation for your relationship than if it’s something that is unlikely to ever be resolved.
When you have all the information, only you can choose what you can live with, and how much you can handle prioritising her needs over yours when it comes to sex.
Some people would automatically leave because they cannot be happy with a partner whose sex drive is lower than theirs, even if things may improve down the road. For others sex is less of a priority and they may be happy to continue supporting their partner until such a time as things improve. Some people would be happy regardless of what their sex life looked like, because they feel fulfilled enough from the other aspects of the relationship.
None are wrong or right generally speaking. Only you can know what is right for you.
I’m in the same boat as you, except my wife decided that she didn’t care about wifely duties and decided she just didn’t want to have sex 2 years ago. It’s tough, and it’s had a very negative effect (combined with many other factors) on our relationship as a whole. I’m not sure what you do about it other than help support her in getting help and hope she comes back around. And know that if she doesn’t, it likely will eventually lead to the end of your relationship.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d have left her already since she’s gone to therapy, decided she doesn’t WANT to have sex ever again and made that decision for me as well (along with a bunch of other selfish things). Unless you yourself can become asexual or she goes back to some level of comfort with sex, there is likely an expiration date on your relationship.
Sorry dude, it def sucks.
Yeah should could have said that a million other ways. Like being close to you, because I have so much anxiety. That is one way…Do not feel disgusting, and she enjoys it to once she relaxes. It is her issue. It is also how couples bond…
So it sounds like she is on the asexual spectrum but is not sex repulsed. Sex for these types of people is harder to enjoy when exasperated by anxiety so it’s not surprising it happens little. It will be much more enjoyable if she wants to continue it after some therapy and reassurance that you will not abandon her due to her rather meh opinion of sex. This also does not mean that she will stop having sex with you either, as a lot of people on the ace spectrum do it because they feel closer to their spouse (hence why she enjoys it despite also saying it’s mostly for you). communication is key here because she probably feels like you will bail after this confession.
if she finds she isn’t really ace after looking within, ask her honestly what she likes in sex and offer to make it centric around her sometimes. like if she does some solo time, really ask her what she likes to look at when she does and offer to bring that to the table.
Intimacy counseling! If she is evolving through her anxiety it would help you both to learn to communicate about Intimacy with some professional guidance.
I’m gray-asexual, and I enjoy having sex. It is perfectly possible to enjoy sex even if you don’t initiate or feel desire.
However, there are two issues here.
1. How comfortable do you feel dating someone that (currently) don’t feel desire for you? A lot of people aren’t okay with that. Some people *need* to feel desired, and will feel frustrated if that need isn’t fulfilled. Mismatched desire or libido is a valid reason to break up, as it can be a major incompatibility.
2. How much does she actually like having sex? Talking from personal experience, forcing yourself to have sex is a lot like being abused. It feels like it, and it would be awful for her to put hurself and you in that position. She needs to be able to figure out if she likes having sex beyond “wifely duties” – some people do, some don’t. And she needs to go to therapy for her anxiety.
My advice is to figure those two issues out – through self-inspection or therapy – and then figure out if this relationship is right you both.
It sounds like she at least has some libido, albeit a reactive one, so I wouldn’t throw in the towel just yet.
> However, I now feel disgusting. I feel as if I’ve done something wrong by enjoying sex with her while she has been forcing herself to do it with me.
First, in any relationship there is likely to be at least a slight mismatch in libido and that often results in the couple compromising a bit to meet somewhere in the middle. This is a slightly more extreme version but the same elements are there. You dampened your own libido for her because you love and support her. She made the decision to meet you where you are for the same reason.
I emphasize again, *she made the decision to meet you in the middle*. This was her choice, and it was her right to make that choice. You both have the right to accept a situation that is outside what you would consider ideal in the bedroom for the good of your overall relationship.
Second, if she says she enjoys it in the moment you have to take her at her word. The biggest thing you should take away from this is that she trusts you enough to be comfortable and enjoy herself to an extent in spite of her anxiety (which as a medical condition is just sort of going to be there so don’t put quite so much weight on the ‘never truly comfortable’ bit until you explore it further.)
> Any advice?
Commit to making no major decisions about your relationship for a while, then talk to her.
Start an open ended dialogue with the goal of understanding more about where she is mentally and what prompted her to open up to you about this now.
Find a couples councilor to work with you on this if possible, as well as one for yourself to help you process what you’re feeling.
My first wife told me she didn’t think sex was that important anymore. Well, backup the truck.
We went to counseling. No change in opinion. We got divorced.
Too young to be that incompatible.
The ironic thing is she later got in a DB 2nd marriage where husband didn’t want to have sex with her and her libido was high and as she was getting divorced from that we chatted, and she said, “what the hell was I thinking?” ‘Yeah, I don’t know’.
Is she treating her anxiety? I have an anxiety disorder and I take medication for it and have been to CBT therapy
You two need to be in marital counseling and go to sex therapy. She basically said she’s been lying to you for your whole relationship. That would be so hard to get past.