My boyfriend [M31] and I [F26] have been dating for 3 years. Since this May we have been very long distance. I’ve been unsure about the relationship off and on for a while, and recently I’ve been considering ending it.
My main reason for *not* wanting to break up, besides caring for him and him being my best friend, is that I’m kind of in a weird place right now. I’m stressed about my graduate program, I just moved to a new area alone, and I’m relapsing a bit with a mental health condition. I don’t want to throw away a relationship because I felt sad on a Friday night. We’ve had a lot fun together. We’ve travelled a lot, enjoy hanging out doing nothing, and we have overlapping interests. He’s been supportive of my goals through difficult times. He loves me and wants me to be happy.
As far as factors contributing to breaking it off, there are several that have built up slowly over time. Some of them relate personally to me, but in other cases they don’t and I feel mean judging him.
Pertaining to me:
* He talks in a rude tone with me. My friends and family have pointed it out, which was embarrassing. I have brought it up to him on many occasions and he’s always apologetic, but he always claims he can’t tell when he’s being rude and the behavior never changes. I genuinely don’t think he means to hurt me, but it does.
* My friends and family don’t love him. They’ve basically told me that they support my decisions but that they don’t really see why I choose to stay with him. My best friend is really lukewarm about him, an opinion that I’ve taken even more seriously than my family’s doubts.
* I don’t like his politics. He’s been sucked into some disgusting internet forums. I hate it, so I think he doesn’t talk to me about it as much anymore.
* In general his internet usage is too much. Even on days that he works, he stays up until the early morning and then sleeps in/naps during the day to make up for it. I have a normal sleep schedule, so this has made me feel lonely on the average day and mad on the days I have to go to pre-planned events without him due to him sleeping in.
* He’s a terrible roommate. I haven’t yet seen him have a positive relationship with one. One year I lived with him and one other female roommate and it was so stressful for me. Tbh the roommate was objectively a problem, but he handled it badly and made it worse for everyone.
* We don’t have sex anymore. I’ve struggled with feeling sexy and initiating sex is hard for me, but whenever I’ve tried to talk frankly about it with him I feel like it’s all put on me to find a solution and he won’t meet me halfway. We cuddle a lot, but I don’t feel desired or attractive. The fact that we’re long distance now is a relief to me in some ways.
Other things that I feel bad for mentioning:
* His family kind of sucks. They don’t treat each other well and don’t support each other. My family is the opposite so maybe I’m just being naïve about how some people’s families are. He always is having some issue with his mom or dad. They were welcoming enough to me when I met them, though.
* He has a hard time making friends. Last year he was suddenly excluded by a friend group, and I’ve never gotten the whole story why. I’ve overlooked this in the past because he does have some long-term friends, but I’ve seen so many examples of people not getting along with him that it makes me uncomfortable.
* I feel like he’s always trying to play devils advocate or have an “edgy” opinion about things. The arguments he gets into embarrass me, but he seems bored by regular conversations.
* He doesn’t have a career or any long-term career plans currently. He’s talked a lot about wanting to make decisions, but he never does. I don’t care what he decides to do, it’s just depressing seeing him so discontent in a job that is going nowhere for him. I’ve recently made some big decisions about my future and I’m not sure how they will fit in with his future plans, even after discussing it extensively with him.
TL;DR: Now that I’m long distance with my boyfriend, I’m seeing a lot of things I don’t like about our relationship. I guess I’d like some outside feedback from people who don’t know either of us. Are my concerns legitimate? Am I being hasty because I have a lot of other stressors in my life right now? Is it normal to have doubts when being long distance and should I wait for us to be together again to decide?
Thank you.
5 comments
Yeah, I think your concerns are valid, especially those:
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>I don’t like his politics. He’s been sucked into some disgusting internet forums. I hate it, so I think he doesn’t talk to me about it as much anymore.
The words you use are quite strong. It makes me kinda want to assume that he his politics include hostile opinions about things that are relevant to you, directly or indirectly. This is never a good sign — a bit of disagreements on healthy debates can give one another some new perspective (god knows i needed that with my partner), but extreme opinions are detrimental to any relationship, especially when hate is involved.
>We don’t have sex anymore. I’ve struggled with feeling sexy and initiating sex is hard for me, but whenever I’ve tried to talk frankly about it with him I feel like it’s all put on me to find a solution and he won’t meet me halfway.
That is concerning because it leads to frustration and loneliness, as you’ve stated elsewhere generally. Sounds like you’ve done a lot to try and fix the situation and he hasn’t; he likely will not try harder in the future.
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>Last year he was suddenly excluded by a friend group, and I’ve never gotten the whole story why.
This kinda rubs me the wrong way — there is a reason, I think, that you didn’t get the story, and I think you wouldn’t like it (not saying it’s something huge, but sometimes being witness to how badly someone treats other people helps to put into perspective what you’re feeling with this person).
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Overall, I think you’re settling for less than what you should have. It sounds like he’ll likely drag you down in the future, esp. concerning career and family matters. You really should have a big talk with him, at least, about your doubts and ask him how he envisions your future.
Based on these points, lets break it down.
(He talks in a rude tone with me) – This can be hard to change as our days haves up down
(My friends and family don’t love him). – This is a red flag. Most of the your generation forget that there family knows the best. They see him as not fit.
(I don’t like his politics) – This is his own thing. As long as he does not bring it to you and argue about it. Just like I am typing here now. My wife does not care, but she does not ask me about.
(In general his internet usage is too much.) – Not a good sign, a man at his age needs to be prepared to build a life and career. It he is just there to play around then, who ever he marries will carry the baggage.
(He’s a terrible roommate.) – Just because you love someone doesn’t me you can live with them. Can you handle him as a lover and a roommate? I know it was the roommate before mostly, but you have to ask yourself this question. Can you live with him?
(We don’t have sex anymore.) – Not a good sign at such a young age. But let me ask you, if you have a really hot guy who wants to ravage you. Will you want to? If you answer yes, then there is something wrong with attraction here.
Other things that I feel bad for mentioning:
(His family kind of sucks.) – You will have to deal with them if you marry him. Then if you can handle it good. If you cant, he will be in the middle and cause stress to the relationship.
(He has a hard time making friends.) – That is a his problem to deal with. Not yours. You just have to keep the peace between your friends and him.
(I feel like he’s always trying to play devils advocate or have an “edgy” opinion about things. The arguments he gets into embarrass me, but he seems bored by regular conversations.) – Again that is his problem, You cant help when he opens his mouth. So nothing you can do.
(He doesn’t have a career or any long-term career plans currently.) This is the worst one. Sorry to say this. This is why your family and friends would don’t agree with this. How do you build a life with this person if this is the case. There was a story the other day where she said her husband stays home on the computer all day. Does not go to work. His job was to clean and get dinner ready. He did nothing. Can you stand having a person like this at home waiting for you.
Based on everything you said so far. Sorry, if you were my daughter, I would tell you to move on. If you where 18 and he was 22, you can take your time. But at the current, I recommend you move on. This is just my opinion as the clock is clicking. How many more year do you want to wait to find the right one. Good luck
if cohabitation, intimacy, and shared community aren’t working out, your needs simply aren’t being met. i wish i could go back in time and tell myself “if you’re posting a list of pros and cons on reddit, just leave.” would have saved me years of wasted time in a relationship that wasn’t right, even though i loved them. seems like you’re carrying the relationship, and could be using your time and energy to strengthen your health.
Sounds valid to me.
You can enjoy spending time with someone, while also recognising they aren’t a good long term match. It kinda feels like you’re picking up on issues that aren’t a big deal at first, but once you realise they’re how life will be going forward, they become a big deal.
Your first one jumped out:
>he always claims he can’t tell when he’s being rude and the behavior never changes. I genuinely don’t think he means to hurt me, but it does.
There’s no indication that he can, or even wants to, change. This would be life. He’d be rude to you, not just in private but in front of friends and family, forever.
>He’s a terrible roommate. I haven’t yet seen him have a positive relationship with one. One year I lived with him and one other female roommate and it was so stressful for me.
A whole year and it didn’t get better. Why would it get better in the future?
And so on. Things that early in a relationship you put off with “oh, but everything else is great”, but as the relationship moves on, you realise these are things that are always going to be an issue.
I guess maybe you could ask yourself why you’ve stayed?