My fiancee and I have been together for 6 years. 2 years ago, we broke up. I started seeing someone else, but it didn’t really go anywhere, it was basically a fling. I stopped talking to her after a while, and then my fiancee and I picked up contact again, eventually getting back together. It turns out that the girl I was messing with got pregnant, and then had my baby. Around 2 months ago she came to my place, dropped him off, and said she was way too young for all of this (This is a whole other matter of itself that I’m taking care of). Mind you, I’m finding out I have a child and taking care of that child 24/7 at the SAME time, so it was a huge adjustment.
This whole situation has had a great impact on my relationship. My fiancee isn’t saying the words, but I’m getting the impression that she wants to end the relationship. Last night, my girlfriend said that she didn’t ask to be put in this predicament. My son has been sick for the past couple of days, and he has not been sleeping through the night, so the both of us haven’t gotten much sleep. After she made that comment, she said it was the sleep deprivation talking, but it’s really just the truth talkng. Being thrown into this situation is not easy, but I’m entering it as being a father, while she has no ties to him. I love her with all my heart, and I know she loves me, but I don’t want her to do something that she doesn’t want to do. I can tell it’s pretty stressful on her. How should I bring up this conversation?
28 comments
Have you taken that ail important step and established paternity?
It’s time to stop thinking of this in terms of your relationship and start thinking about it in terms of the impact on your son. Nothing is about you anymore. You have a traumatized child who has been abandoned by his mother. You are all he has in this world and anyone you bring into your life has to be a positive force in his.
If your fiance is unwilling to engage with him and step up into the role of a parent, you owe it to him and yourself to end things now. He should not have to live in a home with someone who has no connection to him and isn’t even trying. It’s not her fault if this wasn’t what she signed up for, but you need to know that now.
I would strongly suggest starting counseling with your fiance and definitely do not move forward with any wedding plans until this is sorted out.
I honestly feel for your gf ,I really hope she can heal from this heartbreak . Finding out someone you’ve been with since you were a teenager had his first child with someone who isn’t you is absolutely devastating. Her emotions are everywhere right now , probably thinking about what will happen when the bio mom comes back and wants to be in the child’s life . She’s obviously trying her hardest to get passed this since she’s clearly still there , and helping you with the baby . Make sure she talks to someone or get couples counseling so you both can figure a way to get thru this!
Find a babysitter for the night and have a uninterrupted conversation where you mostly listen to your fiancee. At the end of the night it should be clear if she’s willing to stay or not. You need to focus on your son, a messy break up does not fit into your current situation. At the same time she deserves to leave without question if this is too much for her.
That’s a lot to process in a short period of time. You both became overnight parents. Her to child that isn’t biologically hers and is reminder of a time when you weren’t together and were fucking someone else. There is also grief of not being the one to have those first experiences of parenthood with. She didn’t get to be the mother of your first child. Your relationship progression has likely stalled so that the child needs come first. She is likely dealing with the loss of the future she thought she was planning with you and is now thrown into the role of stepmother.
Have you two actually spoke about the situation? Has she sought out therapy to help her process?
The child will come first obviously, but I wouldn’t blame her for leaving the relationship. It’s not the child’s fault but it is a loss for her, she will need to grieve.
Reading your answer – you are getting extremely defensive.
You know what? I don’t believe you – not one word.
I am convinced you already know she is not the one – but you hope to swim against the current.
Why didn’t you use protection 😑
I recommend everyone to not date baby mommas and baby daddies. She should break up with you and find less drama.
Have you talked to a lawyer about custody arrangements yet? And about child support? If she thinks she can just spring this child on you and not pay a single penny, basically wash her hands off him, then she’s definitely in the wrong. This is what you should be focused on right now.
Are you sure this is your son?
Someone you slept with dropped a kid on your doorstep. Have you gotten a paternity test? I don’t really blame her as this is shocking for both of you. Confirm it’s your child and handle that first. Request child support from the mother. It doesn’t matter how you bring all of this up. What matters is you find the time to communicate and come up with a plan for the child. If she dips out, you can’t really blame her.
I can’t even go on relationship advice anymore. This sounds so made up.
Someone just dropped a child at your doorstep and you took him without a word? No offense but… are you naive? As soon as the woman dropped the child you should’ve called the police and report child abandoned. Did you even do a paternity test? How do you know it’s your child? Did you and that woman go through a court to establish child custody?
Duude… if I was your fiancee I’d leave you. No one wants to be a surprise stepmother.
You should offer her a way out, tell her that you understand and that you have no bad feelings towards her. She is not a bad person for not wanting to deal with the consequences of your actions and I think it’s very important you make that clear to her.
> said she was way too young for all of this
How old was she?
Maybe you and your faincee need to live apart and do couple’s counseling. It’s too much to suddenly have a kid living there full-time. Also, the last thing the kid need is another woman disappearing from his life if the two of you end up breaking up.
Maybe this has been addressed but have you made sure the kid is yours?
>This whole situation has had a great impact on my relationship
No shit, Sherlock! I cannot even imagine what she is going through. Happy, engaged, and then some girl shows up at my HOME and just drops off a kid?! A forever and ever kid? Personally, that would just be a hard no for me. The whole scenario, the baby mama who is “too young” (what the hell does that mean?), life going from making wedding plans to taking care of SOMEONE ELSE’S BABY. Jesus. The poor woman. I’m pretty gobsmacked and I’m not even in her situation.
My advice is to get your shit with the baby mama sorted out, so your fiance knows where that stands (child support and custody are a huge fucking issue). After that. You can sit down with your fiance and present her with how it will be. It will be up to her whether or not she can deal with it.
Have you had a DNA test o verify whether or not that child is actually yours?
I don’t blame her.. Once I found out about your child, I would have bounced. I love children, but I refuse to raise someone’s else child. She has none and is pretty young. Just end it so she can go on her way and find someone that she can start her own family with, not a ready made one..
I could understand if you two were older, but you aren’t. Your priority needs to be your child loving her doesn’t change the fact that you have a human being to take care of.. she doesn’t have that type of responsibility like you do and frankly it’s best that you let go because she may be waiting for you to make the initial step of ending a relationship..
I would let her know that if you’re to raise this child with someone, you would want most to do it with her, but you understand if she isn’t ready, and you love her enough to let her go if she doesn’t want this, isn’t sure or needs some time to think it over.
Get a paternity test and go from there. Id try and get full custody.
You and your child are a package deal. You need to make that absolutely clear. If she marries you, she will be your son’s mother—with everything that goes with it—both good and bad. Give her time to really absorb what that means and decide if she is truly prepared to take that on. Perhaps some pre-marriage counseling might be in order so that you two can talk through how to deal with issues that may come up and decide if this what both of you want.
Did you get a dna test to be sure the child is yours?
Fuck around and find out. What an interesting problem. But somehow that baby’s mother did the entire pregnancy alone, gave birth alone, and raised him as long as she could alone before leaving the baby with you.
I find it hard it hard you did not know about the pregnancy and baby before you suddenly found out.
Do a DNA test…baby might not even be yours and you didn’t sign the birth certificate. I would just put the child up for adoption. Shouldn’t be your problem since you knew nothing of the pregnancy
Well, have some empathy, put yourself in her shoes, 6 years committed, now you have a child with some fling that she really doesn’t need to be responsible for. She’s doing it all for you and she’s having second thoughts.
Truth be told OP, I would too. This child will be in her life for the rest of her life and she’s trying to think if it’s al worth it to be with you. Honestly, she seems like a better woman than most in this subreddit even considering it.
Whoever your fling was was for the streets. You fucked up man.
I’m sorry but wtf, the other women just shows up, says, I don’t wanna be a parent so you can be the parent now bc this is your kid. You are it’s your kid????? Like 100% sure? If she is willing to not tell you about this kid from the get go then she sure as hell could be hiding the fact that it ain’t your kid and shoved it on you bc you were the only person she knew she could do it to
Stupid question: why couldn’t you sleep separately, so that you didn’t wake her up all the time while your son was sick? What additional good does it do if two people are sleep deprived, instead of just the main caregiver? Just sleep on a mattress in your son’s room or on the sofa when he’s sick, let the poor woman get her sleep.