Dated a guy for seven months. Was semi casually since we lived two hours away. We met on OKCupid. We met after months of texting and calling and the chemistry was unbelievable. All night sex etx.
We met a few more times, things moved fast. Then we had our last date right when i started a new job and i was actually super exhausted and wondering how and where it was going.. (was he serious, what did he want in the future etc)
We went out to a bar to eat and drink on our date and i asked him about his ex wife and his future plans. This got him really pissed and he walked out. Called me to come meet him in the car. Wanted to bail on me and the hotel we booked. I cried in the parking lot because I didn’t want to stay alone in the sketchy hotel and i had no idea why he was that upset.
He came in the hotel with me, said I’m good at making him feel guilty. We lie down. He waits a bit then makes a move on me and asks for sex. We do. It wss horrible.
The next day he tries to dip out of the hotel without saying goodbye. I get up and pack and head out with him. He complained about the room to tje front desk and we went to the parking lot. Asks me why i always wear the same outfits. Rude right?
Later on he texts me
“im sorry i dont think we are compatible, i csnt be with someone whose watching me so close and fishing for negativity, take care amd good luck”
What i dont think was fair is if he knew he felt like this why did he have sex with me, and why had he not ever once brought this up before during dating?
I was blindsided and i feel totally used.
What do you think of this?
(not to mention he hit and choked me during the sex without any consent or conversation too šš¢)
9 comments
Probably married
Yep, another vote for still married here.
>It was horrible.
Why would he risk his marriage for horrible sex? Easier to bail.
Yes, he’s very likely still married.
Freaking out over an ex wife and meeting you at a sketchy hotel? Homie is married.
Also, hitting and choking you during sex? Never talk to that dude again.
What a trash person… find more info about him and inform his wife. Then come and tell us so we celebrate together.
It seems like, although you spoke for months, you just didnāt really know who this person is. And he showed you once you got to know him a little bit more in real life. Donāt take it personally. This was just who he is. Next time, try to speed up the meeting but slow down the date. Youāll really get to know someone better that way. Best of luck.
Iād feel like I dodged the worldās largest bullet. Iād be humming a happy tune and thanking god I made it out of that seedy motel alive.
Iām sure this hurts but this night was a GIFT. He showed you who he really is. Everything else you saw and liked about him was his best behavior. Most people break up around the 6-9 month mark because people canāt maintain an act much longer than that. They let their guard down and their true colors seep out. Be glad you saw it sooner rather than later.
Now a bit of firm advice: yes. He was wrong for how he acted, but so were you. Everything you described that you did screams āI think Iām unworthy of basic respect so Iāll let a partner treat me however they want and Iāll always allow it.ā I count at least four moments where you couldāve walked out on this asshole.
1. When he threw a fit and left the bar, instead of running to him when he called you should have simply left
2. When he came to the hotel with no apology and instead gaslit you with the comment about making him feel guilty, you should have simply left
3. When he starts awkwardly initiating sex with zero apology or acknowledgment of his actions, you shouldāve shut that down
4. When during sex he choked and hit you. ESPECIALLY after the fight. Thatās scary af. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO STOP SEX MID-ACT. Sex shouldāve ended there and then and you shouldāve left.
4. After he tried to abandon you in the hotel the following morning you chased after him only for him to insult you again. Honey, let that man go
In summation, heās a shitty person. Shitty people will treat us how we allow. You are worthy of so much more than this. Love yourself first. Establish firm boundaries. Demand respect.
I’m sorry you went through that with that POS. His guilt was probably cause he is still married. That hit him when you asked about his “ex” supposedly. I would recommend yoou never see or talk to this crap bag ever again. total ghost him. Once an abuser always and abuser. The first couple times you hooked up were to get you into him so you’d come back for more. Now that he had you hooked, he showed his true self. A manipulating abusive prick. Leave him in the dust baby girl. You deserve better.
Hi OP. I hope you have a good support system in your life. You are worthy of love and respect. My advice is that you date someone in person in public places for at least 3 weeks (minimum). Try to avoid being alone with them unless they prove to you that they can be trusted and that you feel safe. You don’t owe anyone an explanation ever for how you feel and why you don’t want certain things to happen. It is a common misconception that we get the fight or flight response when in danger. You also get the freeze. I was assaulted once in my own home and I froze. I’m a Muay Thai student. Don’t hold guilt. Take time to heal, change your phone number and report this fucker everywhere. Good luck OP and stay safe. Sending you a big hug. You are seen.