I’m a late 20’s male dating the same girl for almost 5 years and I love her very much. We make a great team and are compatible in almost every way. However, I’m realizing that our mismatch in libido is a problem…
In my perfect world, I would be having sex every day or at least every other day. In her perfect world sex would occur max 1-3x/month. As strange as this may seem, more than just physically feeling good, I’ve come to realize that sex is one of my primary love languages. Her “getting off” on me makes me feel validated and makes me “feel loved” more so than any act of gift giving / quality time / acts of service / words of affirmation / etc.
We’ve had many open discussions about this over several years. But at the end of the day, if she has a headache, feels too bloated, tired, or any other number of problems/excuses…it’s just not happening. Again, she is only enthusiastic about sex a couple of times a month. And when I try to get her turned on outside of her own natural window, I almost always fail and come away feeling rejected/hurt.
I am happy and satisfied in this relationship otherwise. I just don’t know what to do about this particular problem. Or how big of a problem this really is….
Has anyone had experience with mismatched libidos in their relationship?
Has anyone here ever ended an otherwise well-functioning relationship over a difference in libido?
17 comments
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Have a serious talk about polygamy/polyamory
Honestly, it would be a dealbreaker for me, especially if the conversation was had and there was no increased effort to meet in the middle. I intentionally seek out other high libido people, and I wouldn’t be happy in a relationship without a healthy sexual component.
I don’t know dude
If sex is a big thing for you, you should really set your priorities.
If it’s outweighing everything else in your relationship then the way is pretty clear, if it doesn’t, it’s pretty clear too.
For me sex is way down at the bottom of the list, most of the time she is the one who initiates it.
I don’t really get the love-language thing or the validation thing you said, but I am not you.
Love language for me is talking and learning together, validation is seeing her laugh after one of my stupid jokes.
Set your stuff straight, openly communicate and try to find a common ground. Some people would advice a scheduling, like once a week or whatever, maybe that can work.
I would not end a happy relationship over sex, but my shit works differently
I’d just have a clear conversation on your own boundaries. My wife and I have matching sex drives, but hers is 2-3 times a day for half the month while mine is 1-2 a day. Masturbation is a simple enough fix, since we’ve both drawn that boundary.
I would never take it as a dealbreaker that they aren’t as driven as I am, but I do think it’s a problem if your partner doesn’t give you a reasonable outlet.
When you’ve had past conversations, have you two ever discussed ways to help her with sex drive? Emotional/physical needs not being met, lack of foreplay, or perhaps medication for low libido? The first approach should always be understanding if there’s a need not being met or if your sex drives are just different.
My line in the sand is out libidos must be compatible
1-3x a month is not compatible with mine
You say you’ve already had discussions about it, but you fail to mention the results of those conversations. Did you discuss ways in which she might feel more sexual? Is it something she needs to happen for her to feel turned on? Does she understand that you’re unhappy with the status quo? What is she doing to change the status quo to make you happier?
Sex aside, if I went to my partner to discuss something that was making me unhappy about the relationship and she refused to make some kind of effort to change things for us, I would probably want to move on. It just tells me that we’re either not compatible or she’s not willing to meet me half way on something that I have communicated is important to me.
Is she on hormonal bc? Or are there other reasons that could effect her libido. Depression or bad experiences, exhausted or something. Not dividing house work. You not taking care of her sexually or otherwise? Has it been like this always?
I couldn’t do with so little, but I’d try to make things better. But if they don’t your mood and well being will suffer eventually.
That’s one thing i wouldn’t settle for
Have you both figured out what the problem might stem from? Low libido could just be “natural”, it could be past trauma/emotional issue, a prescribed drug like an SSRI, a sensation or a compatibility/chemistry problem, and so on. A sex therapist could probably figure it out – that’s a lot less effort than ending it. What are her fantasies and are they compatible with your likes? There are so many ways to take it, right, like slow and sensual, quick and hard, soft or rough, dominant or passive or “equal”, push against a wall or candles in a bath. What is she into? Unless you know it’s an issue of “natural” libido, there’s a lot you can do.
Lack of libido, from my point of view, is in and of itself not a reason at all to end a relationship.
In my ideal world, we would be doing it 4-5 times a week, in my wife’s, we probably wouldn’t be doing it at all.
2-3 times per year is what we can manage for now.
I’ve decided for myself that lack of sex is not a sufficient reason to end an otherwise good relationship. In life, you can’t always get everything you want.
I am an older woman, and I realize that this is an Ask Men sub, but I feel like I should chime in here. Her libido isnt likely to increase with age (maybe a spike during parts of pregnancy) unless she is on a hormone replacement therapy regime. She is probably too young to be going that route already. So, I hink that you need to have a conversation wih her about your incompatailty. That being said, for older women, HRT works GREAT!
HEre’s the thing, it’s not going to get better. And it’s almost certainly going to become less frequent with time. ESPECIALLY after kids. Every other day vs 1-3 times a month is a big difference and should give you pause about getting married.
If you feel like being with her knowing marriage is not in the future woudl be a waste of time, then you should consider ending it now.
I will not date guys with lower than 1/4 of my bare minimum. My minimum is twice a day, so every other day is my bare minimum in a partner. He also has to be okay with me using sex toys and watching porn/reading erotica to make up the difference. I’m the same, sex is my love language and I need it in a relationship to be happy. If he was sick or something, and it was temporary than fine, but if he is completely healthy and can’t have sex at least every other day, or if he is unhealthy and won’t address it, it is a deal breaker.
How frequently does she masturbate? Watch porn/read erotica? Were you always mismatched or did something change? Is she willing to service you even if she isn’t interested in getting off? Does she take medications that are lowering her libido? What toys does she own? What time of the day does she usually get horny and does is match up with you?
We schedule sex, and we use a color system to communicate how much we want sex green=down to fuck, yellow- not in the mood but willing to be seduced or red- not happening. That cuts down on the sting of rejection. I also give my husband time frames. Like he knows I want sex tonight, I texted him earlier today for him to mentally prepare, we have sex any time after I take a bath. So that gives him a window of time to get his shit in order and have sex with me.
I don’t have a line in the sand but that’s a canyon in the desert.
Jesus fella, 2-3 times a month with your GF? I’ve been married 30 years and put those numbers up with my wife in a weekend. If you marry this girl chances are after a couple of kids you’ll be in a dead bedroom.
How on earth did you make it this far? That’s the question you should be asking yourself? Have you had other GFs?
Take some advice from a middle aged man who lived with this for far too long.
Get her told that it isn’t enough, it changes or you change the only thing you can and leave her.
She needs to know you are considering leaving over this, she will either get on board with more sex or you find someone who is.
Trust me don’t think this won’t be a problem. Resentment on bothsides will set in and it will go down hill from there.