Hello,
Title says much of it but here is extra context: my friend, let’s call her H, has had a \*real\* tough start to her life. I’ve been encouraging her to try online dating for some time as she was depressed about her ex leaving, plus other bad ex’s, her abusive family, etc.
She tried online dating after much convincing and found someone, let’s call him T. They synced quickly and went on a date quickly. They had sex multiple times with protection. Two days later he messages her that they needed to talk and they needed to talk now. He cried heavily and informed H he had herpes. They talked and H still wants to be with him. Me and several others I spoke to believes he needs to be dumped ASAP. H will be taking a test and has temporarily stopped having sex with T.
I am seriously concerned H is being manipulated by T. I’m concerned H will have herpes and T will leave in X period of time and H will be stuck with this, and worse off than she was before.
I tried to speak with H about it but she didn’t want too and we agreed to talk about this in a few days. I need your advice. I know it’s my friends life but I need some advice on what to say, maybe if people have example or experiences. I just need help.
Please and thank you.
5 comments
Well for starters dumping someone because they have Herpes is a little harsh. The chances of contracting it are very small unless the person with it is having a flare up. It can be treated when it does flare up also.
Secondly, he has told her he had herpes. Has he only just found out? Admittedly, if he had it prior to hooking up he knew, then he should of told your friend first. Why do you think she is being manipulated?
Then finally, it’s not your life and as a friend you can offer advice. Beyond that though you need to just stop and let your friend do what makes her happy. Millions of people are in relationships with partners who have STIs. If she is happy and understands the risks, leave her be. Also, neither of them should be judged in this situation.
He had plenty of time to tell her.
OK, everybody needs to chillax. 80%-90% of the population has herpes. Your friend probably had herpes already — and if she didn’t, she is probably resistant and won’t get it.
The fact he didn’t say anything before sex dump his ass
“Two days later he messages her that they needed to talk and they needed to talk now. He cried heavily and informed H he had herpes.”
So, wait, was this his first outbreak? Is he even having an outbreak? Or just admitting to a new lover that he has it?
I mean, I don’t have genital herpes, so haven’t thought about it? But if you have it, but haven’t had a recent breakout and you are wearing a condom, is the prevailing etiquette to declare unprompted? Of course if asked about STDs I’d assume you’d need to declare that history and current outbreak status.
I don’t think there’s any crisis regarding the girl having herpes if he wore a condom and wasn’t having an outbreak outside the condom area and safe condom handling, hand washing were used. Keep in mind it is possible to get it if she gave him head before the condom.
I don’t know the details, but unless he knew he was having a raging outbreak and not exercising caution or lying about things I’m not sure I’d go calling him a manipulator.
If he was having an outbreak he should have declared that before they had sex. Or kissed/had oral sex if he has oral herpes (as a large portion of humanity does) But if it had been a long time since he had symptoms used a condom, was honest if asked about STDs, exercised all caution? Grey areas.
Now, if he called all panicked and in a hurry to see her because he’s never had herpes before???? Well??? Who knows, he could have gotten it from her! People can be asymptomatic, granted they are much less likely to transmit it. She could have gotten it from one of her bad exes and never known.
It’s an incredibly common virus if you include the oral variety, which can appear down there too, and vice versa. No reason to be hysterical about this case. The guy may have used bad judgement, possibly he was deceptive? But maybe he’s been irrationally overcome with guilt and need to confess his embarrassing condition to a new girl he’s super sweet on and hasn’t even had an outbreak or rational reason to think he may have given it to her? I don’t have enough unfiltered information.
I’d probably rather date an amazing woman who had the occasional herpes outbreak then some psycho bitch who was horrible to be in the relationship. So, you know, ask what’s important in life and if this guy may be worth that health condition impacting their sex life some or all of the time. There’s lot’s of things to do to manage transmission from partner to partner these days. Anti viral drugs can be used during times of risk. Do they mind condomed sex all the time? Or at least during or after an outbreak?
There’s a lot of hysteria and stigma about these strains of the herpes virus, but between the two strains almost everyone has been exposed at one time or another and it’s as much about the genetic lottery and a healthy lifestyle than anything else regarding whether you’ve ever had symptoms or not. (I am including cold sores, oral herpes in this “almost everyone” math)