Currently a 39 year old first year surgical resident in a top field of medicine. Worked my ass off to get to where I am.
I have an absolute stunning fiancé that I proposed to and everything is perfect. For some reason, I just can’t seem to be happy.
I have such a massive sense of FOMO seeing other residents and nurses that I want to date, that it’s clouding my judgment. I have a sense of feeling of impending doom on the fear of losing my parents as they continue to age.
I feel like being in the career choice which I am in, I am entitled for whatever I want. I never felt this way or had this type of outlook which is very strange. I’m really not sure where this came about.
Anybody else think this way?
15 comments
Talk to a therapist or accept that you don’t do well in monogamy
It’s not because you’re a late bloomer. You’re likely experiencing a case of expectation vs reality. You expected that all these things would make you happy innately, but you’re discovering that you never get to stop working to maintain them and it’s still a lot of work.
If you can, I would recommend taking a vacation. Take a little while to appreciate all the things you have in your life, and recognize how many different things had to go right to get you here. It helps you restore a proper perspective of humble appreciation, when you find your expectations getting away from you.
The analogy I always use is a light switch. For your lights to turn on in the morning, here are thousands of things that have to go right. From the energy production, to the transmission of the energy, to the wiring in your own walls.
Happiness is a temporary feeling, not a permanent state of mind.
Realistically unlike birds we’re not biologically monogamous. How many women were you with before your fiancé? Some people can marry their first girlfriend but others need a few/lot to get it out of their system.
An arrogant surgeon? I’m shocked. I almost laughed out loud when I read you think 23 women is not many. Share the wealth friend.
Im 45.
This feeling what you describe sounds like a Midlife crisis. When i approached 40 i had the same feelings, nearly ended my marriage to be together with a 26 year old model type girl, my wife let herself go, etc.
What i did was making a firm decision. For my family, for my work, for my kids, for this old house, for the life i was leading. Did alot activitys together with my family or with friends, cut out all those hot chicks, no porn, no social media.
The feelings faded quite quickly and it became the best time in our life.
My wife approached 40 this year. She changed, she went more and more into that rabbit hole you described. She talked less snd less with me and the kids, started to party and drink, surrounded herself with 20 year olds, leading to this single lifestyle and affairs happened.
I divorced her, i got custody for the kids, the female judge even dismissed all her monetary claims. She is alone in social housing now. Has to pay child support, cant afford a car, had to take a low wage job.
All this because of fomo. Dont compare your life with others. Just do what you want and stay true to everyone. You cant unfuck whats fucked up.
This could be the a contributor, and a pretty solid reason to see a therapist.
Things you might like reading into would be concepts relating to loss of innocence/finding your inner child. Sounds stupid, but the more realistic/applicable readings do help figure yourself out from that starting point.
It may be likely that in general, there are aspects of those events and stories told to you relating to this. Say, a visceral feeling. For me, one of those was gardening. I am shit at it. So I got a bonsai to start. I don’t for the life of me get why people love plants, but I’d like to learn. They seem happier than most.
For a lot of people I’ve met, when they start fantasizing about what it would be like to date another person (not just fuck them), we usually identify that it’s more wanting to be the responsive and “capable of handling things” persona. The reasons toward those, or wanting to express in whatever “fantasy” you’re trying realistically imagine can point you in the direction of things/personality traits you may want to adopt, or a way you’d like to be treated sometimes.
Say it’s with a woman less experienced than you, well to what degree? Surely there are things you’re fine with being the student for.
Maybe a partner who is at your calibur at your work who admires your work, could be related to feeling underappreciated at work (verbally or otherwise).
Could be you’ve never felt wanted in overwhelming amounts of affection (say you want to have multiple women want you), could reflect missing having a close knit familial bond.
There’s a bunch of mix/match. Again, worth exploring in a few therapy sessions.
A lot of people mistake success for happiness. When I was young I was an overachiever. Stellar grades, lots of undergrad options, etc etc. And I thought that if I kept that up one day I’d somehow be magically be rewarded for my hard work and success. Turns out hard work and success is like being on a treadmill: when people find out you can run really fast they just turn up the speed to see if you can run even faster. And in the end you’ll just be miserable and overworked. If success and money and the stunning fiancé don’t make you happy, then maybe it’s time to get off the treadmill.
First, I’d start my talking to a therapist. As helpful as Redditors can be, we’re not professionals, so getting a professional opinion may help.
Second, start asking yourself what DOES make you happy? Maybe you’d rather stay home and play with your kids (if/when you have them). Maybe your fiancé is super hot but not really a good match for you emotionally. Maybe medicine isn’t right for you. Maybe you need a hobby. Regardless, you’ve found that the path you’re on doesn’t make you happy. Slogging along the same path for the next 40 or so years probably isn’t going to magically fix the problem.
wow. not sure what to tell you without sounding like a dick.
But… not gonna lie… I know a few other doctors or doctor types who seem to have the same issue that you have.
On paper, successful as fuck, but for whatever reason, just not happy with what they got. Blows my fuckin mind.
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Also not gonna lie, many of them are pretty narcissistic, or low key.
I dropped out of college and started a business. I sold it with 2000 employees. I’m 39. I live alone at my beach house, on an island, growing pot. There were times in my life when I’ve felt entitled because of my success but, I can assure you that those feelings usually result in regret and emptiness. Nice job on all that success! Now you just need to master your ego.
Sleep with your girl and get a hobby, a distraction, a new interest. Something unrelated to work.
The 10 years of my 40’s were absolutely the best decade of my life. I did everything I ever denied myself previously. I became a better person. If I could live 2 decades of my 40’s then die, I’d be happy with my short life.
You should talk to a registered psychotherapist, not just any counsellor. I doubt being a late bloomer has anything to do with why you’re unhappy. More than likely you are stuck in a pattern of learned behaviour.
Bro you’re probably not someone built for monogamy. That’s ok man. I’m a medical student myself, granted I’m way younger than you, but consider my point for a second:
Are you getting married because that’s what everyone is telling you to?
Are you getting any added benefits from marrying that you already don’t get from just dating?
Being a surgeon, you’re gonna be in the top 1% of men, you can also go to the gym (if you don’t already), look your best and you’ll be in the top 0.1%. You can now have whatever damn life you want. You want a monogamous one with wife and kids? You want one where you’re child free and date whoever you want?
There is literally 0 point to getting married unless you want kids, even then that’s possible when you’re unmarried.
Dump your fiance. The only thing you said about her is that she’s stunning. Now that you are a master of the universe, go bananas. That’s the only way you will learn how shallow you are.