My partner Alex broke up with Bailey 3 years ago, but they have remained close friends ever since, hanging out with each other once a week. I started dating Alex 3 months ago, and she has been 100% transparent from the very beginning about her past romantic relationship and current platonic relationship with Bailey. Alex has given me no reason not to trust her the past 3 months. Despite my full confidence in Alex’s commitment to our relationship, I still feel a bit anxious every time she mentions Bailey because of my social conditioning I suppose.
My question is: Do I tell Alex about these feelings of abandonment (?) anxiety that I sometimes get when I think about her and Bailey? I have just kept these unpleasant and unjustified feelings to myself so far because I don’t want her to feel bad every time she hangs out with him. I don’t want her to feel like she needs to hide their friendship from me. I don’t want her to feel like she has to filter herself and try to be careful not to mention him. Am I being manipulative by not telling her?
TL;DR: Do you tell your partner about feelings of abandonment anxiety even when the feelings are not justified?
4 comments
She’s been honest with you about her friendship, which is great, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. It’s a 3-month relationship and you’re still moderately young. There’s no reason to stay with someone that carries that kind of baggage.
If you do decide to talk with her about it and make the relationship work, make sure you go into it knowing what you want out of it. If you want her to make changes like not seeing her ex in intimate settings or one on one, if you want her to give you a heads up when she sees him, if you just need verbal reassurance, etc., just let her know what you need.
She can tell you whether that’s something she can or cannot live with, but again, personally, this isn’t the kind of behavior I’d put up with for a woman I’ve only dated three months.
Also: don’t call it “abandonment anxiety.” This isn’t a “you” problem. It’s not pathological to not like your partner having an ex as a bestie. If you turn it into a “you” problem, I guarantee she’ll assume it’s a you problem as well.
Some guys aren’t cut out to be in relationships with people that still hang out with their ex’s.
I know; I’m one of those guys. So I just accepted this in myself, and refused to date people that hung out with their ex’s. Even when I really liked them.
And you know what? 90% of the drama in my dating life disappeared overnight. No more weird conversations at social events with a guy that used to have sex with your girlfriend. No more finding out that she’s talked to this guy about sex with you. No more running out of an argument with them so she could go ‘talk it out’ with her ex.
And no more ‘I didn’t mean to sleep with my ex, it just happened’ conversations, either.
If you’re like me, just own it, and abide by that rule. I never tried to set boundaries or told them who they could be friends with… I just left. And I had no problem finding an awesome woman that felt the same way I did about ex’s.
You’re certainly not being manipulative by NOT telling her, especially if you’re sure that your feelings haven’t crept into your behavior. I also don’t think it would be a big deal to tell her, especially if you caveat it the way you did here–that you don’t want to keep her from being friends or hide anything from you, that you are fully confident in her and she’s given you no reason not to trust her–before saying that it causes you some anxiety. You can even say you’re working on it but just wanted her to know. If there’s anything she can say to reassure you, this would be the time to ask for that.
This is a tricky convo to have and I think you need to be really honest with yourself before you do it. Namely: It doesn’t sound like you’re actually fully confident in her commitment to you! This is totally normal for three months in, let yourself off the hook, but it is what it is.
As someone who is also very close friends with an ex boyfriend, I’ve had a lot of conversations with men who start off saying of course they trust me, BUT, etc etc etc. And every time whatever came after the “but” amounted to a lack of trust. It was really annoying honestly! Sometimes you need to call a spade a spade, especially when your girlfriend has been so direct with you from the beginning.
I also think you need to think more specifically about what kind of conversation you’re trying to have. For example:
What would you be hoping to get out of the conversation?
Do you want reassurance?
Do you want something about the situation to change?
Is there something you need from her to feel comfortable that was not accomplished by her transparency and general trustworthy behavior?
Are you hoping that if disclose your anxiety about this, it will go away? What if it doesn’t?
You don’t have to write the answers here but you should probably figure them out before you say something! Going into a conversation like this without a clear picture of your needs is setting yourself up for awkwardness and disappointment.
Finally, just a thought- If I love my partner and want to be with him, I could see my ex seven days a week and not feel interested or even nostalgic for our relationship. It’s not a factor. Cheating, emotional or physical, is about character, not opportunity. To convince yourself otherwise is to convince yourself that you can control an uncontrollable universe. If you’re not in a mental/emotional place where you can fully accept this, this is not the woman for you. I promise there are many many other women out there who do NOT see their exes once a week.