My husband 37(M) and I 34(F) have been together for over 10 years but married for 2. We have 1 child together.
I recently found out he has been chatting with a woman from his past. I saw the text messages on one of his connected devices. The messages for the most seem to be kind of normal. Just catching up type of questions but some of it is making me really uncomfortable.
I know that she knows about me because I seem to be the topic of conversation quite frequently. He has told her that he’s unsatisfied with his sex life. This is a surprise to me because I thought we had a pretty good one.
We usually have sex at least once a week but a lot of times is 3 or more times a week. He’s never expressed any dissatisfaction with that as we both have high demanding jobs and at least one of us is working 60 hrs every week. Sometimes both of us are.
This woman brings this up frequently during their conversations. I think she’s judging the strength of our relationship and fielding for cracks.
Well they were chatting and he said something like don’t make me Bend you over my knee and spank you. Which made me feel very uncomfortable. Then she brings up oh but you’re married blah blah blah. Then she tells him that she thinks he should introduce us so that me and her could be bff and that she can help him with his sex issues.
I’m just so confused on what to do with the situation. It’s strange because in all of the convos she’s the aggressor in the situation but he’s also entertaining it. I know they’ve slept together on multiple occasions because they reminisced about how they always talk after a break up and hook up. She’s also told him that she loves him and he “joked” it could be 2 years or 45 who knows. My husband doesn’t know that I know any of this. What should I do?
TL;Dr: husband is texting an ex f buddy. Playing in the gray area. I’m uncomfortable but he doesn’t know I know. Should I be concerned?
7 comments
I’m not sure why you think this is a grey area, this seems like active flirting to me.
>He has told her that he’s unsatisfied with his sex life. This is a surprise to me because I thought we had a pretty good one.
This in and of itself is not OK. He’s sharing very intimate and private thoughts with another woman, a previous sex partner. If he’s unhappy, he could come to you first. He’s letting her know his needs are unmet. It’s clear that this is an approach to her to see if she is interested.
>”… don’t make me Bend you over my knee and spank you…” Which made me feel very uncomfortable. Then she brings up “oh but you’re married blah blah blah” . Then she tells him that she thinks he should introduce us so that me and her could be bff and **that she can help him with his sex issues**.
Is she planning to get close to you so that she can casually give you blow job tops?
All of this conversation is ridiculous, gross, and highly inappropriate. And your husband *at best* is allowing this and is open to that emotional intimacy. When he has been in a relationship for 10 years.
>She’s also told him that she loves him and he “joked” it could be 2 years or 45 who knows.
This sounds like he’s already considering the end of the relationship.
Take pictures or copies of these messages and consult a divorce lawyer discreetly. Just to find out what the situation would be if you did consider divorce.
Yikes your husband is emotionally cheating.
There’s no world where this would be an appropriate topic of conversation with a past fling. He’s only bringing up the issues to justify cheating. He’s a scumbag and you’re better off without him.
I’m just wondering what his goal is, telling his ex romantic partner that his wife isn’t sexually pleasing him? And why was he so comfortable sharing that with her? Are they still that close?
I find the entire thing inappropriate and disrespectful towards you. If he has any marital issues, you are the one he should be going to. Not another woman.
The way she talks to him isn’t how a friend or acquaintance would speak. Clearly there’s more feelings still there on her side. He should be respecting you enough to back away from her. He isn’t though. That’s the real issue.
So.. yeah. You should be concerned.
He’s probably lying about the sex stuff – cheaters often lie about the state of their marriage to garner sympathy from the other woman – make her feel like some sort of hero for stepping in and making the poor, helpless married man feel better.
As for the making friends with you part – yea that’d be really hot right – messing around right under your nose.
OP I wouldn’t confront just yet – just monitor the situation. Keep gathering your evidence. And prepare yourself for the most likely outcome – because a man who truly loves you would never do something like this.
You have been seeing your husband for 17 years, so, since he was 20. And you have lived together since he was 27. If she and he always circle back to each other after breakups, that means this was limited to the first two years of college or there was some overlap after you and your husband became involved. Had he ever mentioned her to you before?
And she asked “do you still work here”. Did you substitute the name of his employer with *here* or did she show up at his work? What did he say when she suggested that he introduce you to her?
It’s unclear how long they have been texting, but you have only been married two years. I would confront him directly and immediately. They’ve either already been hooking up and he’s smart enough not to put anything incriminating in writing, or he is building up toward that and disrespecting you and your marriage in the process.
If they’re already hooking up, it’s better to find out now and deal with it (whether together or apart). If he is just testing the waters, let him know that he can either get in or stay out, but you won’t be his floaties while he’s figuring things out. That’s a terrible metaphor, but why wait to find out if it’s 2 years or 45 years if he knows it’ll happen eventually. Let him know that it’s now or never. Or don’t, but you both work long hours and have a kid. I think waiting to see how things progress will end up driving you crazy.
Have you talked to him or what you found.
Let him know how uncomfortable you feel about it.
Ask him how’d he feel if you were doing the same thing with another man from your past.
thats above the grey area…..Thats going to get out of control in a big hurry if you dont shut this down. All that it will take at this point is a little drinking on either end to get the convo into serious x rated territory. You need to confront immediatly!