So I’ve been talking to this girl via text for a few weeks and we had our first date today. She seemed very normal over text, sweet and overall just a good gal. So today we meet up for lunch and at first I thought she was just shy, but as the date went on I noticed something was off. We had decided to go see a movie and went to a book store until the showing started to kill some time and she had a hard time communicating, but seemed very happy and wanted to hold on to my arm which was fine. Eventually she told me she had been in a car accident about 4 years ago and suffered a severe brain injury right before we went into the movie. During the movie she innitated a kiss and I kissed her forehead and held her hand and she was very happy. After the movie I dropped her off at her car and she asked if I wanted to come back to her apartment. I politely declined and she asked if we could go out again and I told her I’d have to look at my schedule but I would let her know.
She is a very sweet girl and I like her but I can’t stop thinking that I’d be taking advantage of her some how because of her disibility. I’m also worried that if she’s on these dating sites someone will eventually take advantage of her in the worst way. I’m very conflicted on what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
26 comments
You wouldn’t be taking advantage. It’s going to be hard for this girl to get dates. If you genuinely like her, you should date her
I was going to say, if you like her, date her. You sound like a great person.
Also really see if you feel like you would be taking advantage of her or if you just feel guilty for not being interested after learning about this about her. It wouldn’t make you a bad person, you’re just human.
I wish you the best- it’s not the easiest situation to figure out
I feel like you’re assuming because she had a brain injury that she’s essentially mentally retarded now and can’t make decisions for herself. She’s probably all there in her head but has difficulty with verbal communication. That’s why she seemed normal via text, because she is normal. If you like her I’d say keep dating her.
Brain injuries are not developmental disorders. Get to know her more if you like her and learn about her specific issues and decide then if you can deal with them.
Her having a disability doesn’t mean she’s retarded. That’s possibly why she’s great at texting. All the normal thoughts and level of communication and IQ etc are all there, but the delivery verbally may just be the issue due to a specific part of her brain being injured. Maybe you should take her out again and ask her more about the disability. Or even text her about it.
you trippin mayne
Take it slow and find out how her disability affects her. A common thing is lack of impulse control so she might act on a feeling and then regret it later e.g.sex. lots of other ways that it can affect. She may have a family member you can get introduced to also that may guide you as to what is ok for her.
But also only date her if you want. Just like any other person you date. Move on if not. You don’t need to feel bad for her.
Depends on the type of mental illness, if it’s something like forgetfulness well its one of those life baggage deals we all have in some form or other. And we weight up with pros and cons. If it is something more in the bunny boiler park then best avoided. Depends on you and what you think of her otherwise
25% of adults have a disability. There’s this big misconception of infantilizing disabled people and assuming we can’t date or drive or make decisions like any other adult because we do some things *differently*.
OP if you’re just not into this woman anymore, that’s fine. If you do like her but you’re struggling with internalized ableism, talk to her about it. Get to know her abilities before making decisions about what she can and cannot do.
I think it’s a good thing you’ve held back. If you like
Her though spend some more time with her. Establish that she had full mental capacity.
So she’s supposed to live the rest of her life alone because anyone dating her would be taking advantage of her? Not very sound logic imo
If she had lost a hand in the accident instead of having a TBI would you feel you were taking advantage of her? Maybe the two of you can have a texting conversation while you’re both in the same room? It sounds silly, but is she communicates best via text, give it a shot.
Be honest with her, and hopefully she’ll be honest with you.
My mom had a stroke and lost about 25% of her brain function. Over time she either got better or we got used to her limitations. She’s still my mom and every bit of who she is still shines through- just in different ways. You are obviously physically attracted to her and you enjoyed texting her given you went on the date. In the beginning of a relationship, verbal communication is important but as you go on- 70 to 93% of communication is nonverbal. She is obviously capable of that as it sounds like her limitations are just verbal delivery.
Give her a chance don’t judge someone because they are different she clearly likes you and from the way you speak of her you are fond of her too who cares what the rest of the world thinks
You can have a convo with her about it more! I’m sure she’d appreciate your genuine concern but be careful how you word it. Or just ask “is it okay if I ask to know a little more about your disability? I’m curious!” Not all mental disabilities entirely take away the comprehension or expression of consent! If you like her, continue seeing her!
Also, not all brain injuries automatically result in disability-level “damage”! Some people recover rather quickly. The pros of Neuroplasticity
What does her being mentally disabled have any correlation to whether you like her or not. If you like her go out with her. She is seems like a great girl. The problem is within you and not her. She may genuinely like you. Which is a positive thing. She developed this issue due to a physical injury and if you have a child with her the child won’t inherit this from her as it was caused by an issue that’s not genetic.
Think about this and by being nice to her as you are she is actually more interested in you. Not taking advantage of her. Not sleeping with her immediately. She seems to be able to hold a conversation so it didn’t affect her cognitive abilities.
I don’t get it. Is she acting like she is 10yrs old? Slow to understand? Or is it that she didn’t explain fully what she suffers from? Brain/head injuries can result differently.
I know someone who had a head injury and developed lesions on her brain and her body started to get smaller and really weak.
Your post wasn’t super specific and left out details about how the brain injury affects her behavior. However, if you really like her and think you can see past her injury, I say go for it. Disabled adults can have relationships too.
What is wrong you you bruh???? She sounds like a sweet girl man, unless there something else you’re not telling us.
Is she doing socially awkward stuff like picking her nose and eating it in front of you or something gross? Does she have tourrettes? Is she a little slow because of her injury?
If all she is Is a little slow from the injury, why would that matter if she’s a lovely girl? From what you described, with her being so sweet and happy, I’d be on one knee in a month if I was in your shoes because she sounds like a genuine sweet girl. You’re overthinking. Quit overthinking.
I’m dating someone with a TBI. It seems mild with him, you get used to it. I just see it as a quirk. Give her a little more time to see if you can work with it. She’s able to make her own decisions it sounds, so don’t feel like you’re taking advantage of her. As long as you stay on the up & up, you’re good.
Don’t date her because you’re afraid that some else will take advantage of her. Date her because you want to, or not.
All these comments are so sweet and kind. Great advice!
Okay so several things here.
Did she confirm that she has a mental disability or that the wreck caused her truama to her brain that may have impacted her speech and fine motor movements?
Those are two very different things.
Oftentimes, people that have endured trauma to the brain can understand and comprehend the world like the rest of us. It’s the communication that seems to struggle.
I wouldn’t worry about taking advantage of her. You seem like a swell guy and you asking this means that you care.
Take things slow and definitely ask more questions about her disability. It’s OK to realize you may not be in a space to date someone like that.
Maybe talk to her about your concerns instead of asking a bunch of randoms on the internet
A TBI is complicated but doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s incapable of making her own choices. If you like her then great, keep going out. Learn more about her and see where things go.
Don’t worry at all that you’re “taking advantage of her” by continuing to pursue a consensual relationship. Think about it from her point of view—if people you liked (and who liked you back) decided not to date you because of an injury you had, would you think “boy, I sure am glad I’m not being taken advantage of” or would you think “it fucking sucks people don’t think I’m capable of deciding what’s best for myself.”
She’s an adult and it sounds like she wants a relationship—not for other people to decide what’s in her best interest for her!
Of course, if you aren’t interested, that’s completely fine.