In the past 15 years, I’ve dated two men, one for 10 months and one for two months. When the first guy dumped me, he said it was because I wasn’t a musician — and the love of his life, whoever she was, would be a musician (like he is). I really had to try to keep my sex drive under wraps with him, but sometimes I couldn’t resist and initiated it. When he broke up with me, he said, “I think sex is to you what music is to me.” (I’m an author and had sold my first book the previous day, but I guess he didn’t see that writing was to me what music was to him.) I felt so ashamed by that that I didn’t have sex again for a decade and a half.

I finally tried dating again this summer, and at first, he seemed to really like that I had a high sex drive, and told me I was great in bed. After a while, though, he started turning me down for sex, and again, I felt humiliated.

I don’t think this is because I’m bad at it. I’ve been told, for example, that I give really good oral sex, and I absolutely love doing it. But I feel like I’m supposed to wait to be asked for it and not let on that I like it — which is a bummer, because I’d happily do it every day.

I’m not sure I’ll ever date again, but if I do, I feel like I have to keep my sex drive under lock and key unless he initiates. I’m trying to figure out if most men prefer that, or if I just happened to date two who did. Would you rather a woman refrain from initiating? And women, if you’ve also found this to be true, how do you hide your desire for sex? Showing any desire at all just feels like such a liability to me now.

38 comments

  3. I think you had some bad luck. Just about every single day I see a post here by a man saying “I wish my wife initiated _ever_, even just once in a while to prove she wants me”.

    Stay in the game. Someone who appreciates your enthusiasm is out there.

  4. Not true at all. Men want to feel desired and wanted too. 2 men really is not enough to conclude something over an entire gender and the fact that you let the comment of one man make you so insecure that you abstained from sex and dating for 15 (!!) years is very concerning. You really need to work on that. Also wanting and enjoying sex as a woman is nothing to be ashamed of. Real men want their partner to show enthusiasm, to initiate, to be vocal, etc. Something you need to keep in mind though is that not everyone has the same sex drive and wants to have sex with the same frequency. That doesn’t mean you or your partner are wrong, it just means you might not be sexually compatible.

  5. No, I much prefer the opposite. In fact, I have most often been approached by women rather than me approaching them. I am autistic, but I attract women like crazy, so women initiating seems best to me.

  6. I like a woman who initiates and will initiate in different ways, having a high sex drive shouldn’t doom you to singlehood or make you feel shame, you need to find some that matches your energy and unfortunately these experiences may tamper that in you, but with the right person it should be a secure and welcome thing to them and for you both, maybe try having that conversation when you are first dating with them, as always communication is key and having an understanding of where they are and how they feel about it will help you go along way to not feeling rejected. But get out and date, you deserve your happiness too, and find the person who will knock your socks off, don’t wait another 10 years, life’s too short

  7. I think it’s far more common than the world lets on for a guy’s sex drives to dwindle after a while in a relationship. Happens ALOT. Of course, it happens the other way around too, but that is seen as common knowledge. Because men are expected to be horny all the time I think they can find it embarrassing.

    What I don’t think is common is them making it your problem. Sounds like you were unlucky with that part.

  8. >I’m not sure I’ll ever date again, but if I do, I feel like I have to keep my sex drive under lock and key unless he initiates.

    I think you’ve had bad luck and dated people who ~~are bozos~~ aren’t compatible with you.

    And I’m hearing your frustration! But I don’t think the solution is to fake who you are.

    Instead, look at dating as interviewing candidates. Have the conversation up-front. “I have a healthy libido, and I like to initiate sex with my partner as well as let him initiate. Is that a problem? Would you see that as ‘too aggressive’?” Anyone uncomfortable have that conversation with you, has failed the first round of interviews.

  9. I don’t think it’s that men like to ask for it (I had complaints that I don’t initiate enough so there’s that), but you just found two people who have lower libidos than you. I think things like that sort out over time and you shouldn’t feel bad for having a high libido (unless you cheat, that’s the only exception)

  10. Find someone who can’t take his hands from you. He’ll be delighted whenever you take initiative, trust me.

  11. I absolutely love when women initiate. I also love when they have a high libido. Trust me, there are high libido men like me who are always frustrated because it’s so rare to find a high libido woman.

    I’ve been out of the dating scene for nearly 40 years, since I met my wife. I would imagine that nowadays there are dating apps or sites where you could specify that you’re looking for someone who has a libido close to your level. My perfect world would be to have sex 3-4 times per day. Whatever yours is needs to be clearly communicated up front, so neither of you waste time on a relationship with a big sexual incompatibility.

    I’m confident that this is achievable, especially for a woman. Best of luck!

  13. I like to have the sex talk very early on. What do they like. How often do they like it. Are they more dominant or submissive in terms of initiating and driving things along. And I only bother with those that match up with me. And don’t be surprised if their actions don’t match their words, this is very common. Just move along and keep looking till you find a good match. Life is too short for bad sex

  14. Id love for my wife to initiate more and show me .ore.often that she wanted it. Id be happy as as a kid in a candy store if she initiated twice a day.

  15. It sounds like you’ve just had partners who you’re sexually incompatible with. Mismatched sex drives often don’t work. But it’s not always like that. And when it is, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It sounds like you’re taking a ‘no thanks’ as an insult when it really just means your partner’s not in the mood. Although the first guy sounds like an asshole.

  16. First of all, please NEVER be ashamed of your needs. And it just didn’t fit with them, that doesn’t mean your sex drive is “wrong” neither is theirs. There are a lot of men out there who’d be all over the moon about your sex drive. Don’t give up.

  19. You just need to get back the horse and don’t let these guys get you down. I personally love when the woman initiates. I have a high sex drive though. Plus men like to feel sexy and desired too. If i have to initiate it every time it starts to feel like she’s doing it out of duty or sympathy and after a while I stop initiating because of that.

  20. The biggest problem my husband and I have right now is that I don’t initiate enough….. I think you just had some bad luck. Keep your head up

  22. Every man is born different, you can’t just lock your emotion find someone who matches same sex drive as you do.

  23. Absolutely not. About to end somethubg with someone I’ve known for a long time because she never initiates. Makes me feel ugly and repulsive.

    Initiate when you want to so whoever you end up with doesn’t end up feeling like you did.

    I gotta ask, did he ever initiate?

  26. I’d chalk it up to bad luck and dating someone you’re not sexually compatible with. In my experience men love when women initiate.

  27. >I felt so ashamed by that that I didn’t have sex again for a decade and a half.

    That was a terrible thing to say. But — this is not a defense — it might bother you less if you can see it as a possible reaction to insecurity on his part. Men are expected to have high sex drives; when they find themselves not meeting that standard, they may lash out. Again, this isn’t a defense of him, it’s a defense of you: you can’t blame yourself for these things.

    >After a while, though, he started turning me down for sex, and again, I felt humiliated.

    Is that all? A guy turned you down a few times and it killed the relationship? I really like it when my partner initiates and I’m almost always down, but I’m not a sex machine. There are times when I just can’t do it.

    I feel like there is something missing here. In a later comment:

    >he dumped me by text

    So that’s a lame thing to do and I’m sorry it happened. But since we’re talking about sex, is there any other reason to believe that your sex drive was the actual problem here?

    One alternative hypothesis is that the relationship was strained for some other reason, and this contributed to both A: him losing interest in sex and B: him breaking up with you. I’m not saying this is what happened — you were there, I was not — but I am saying you haven’t told us that it didn’t happen.

    Fact is, most if not all men will enjoy it when their partner initiates sometimes, but a significant fraction may be embarrassed to find that their partner’s sex drive exceeds their own. You can’t blame yourself for this, but you might be able to help by just *saying* it’s okay if he’s not interested right now.

  28. Regardless of who initiates, I prefer to see enthusiasm from the partner. It’s mentally difficult to initiate when you see zero enthusiasm regularly.

  29. You’re an adult and should be honest and upfront with your sexual desires and preferences. Trying to hide or suppress things will only lead to trouble down the road. It sounds like you date really infrequently, so I’m not sure why this should be a problem. Besides, lots of men claim to be looking for a woman with a high libido, you just need to find an appropriate match.

  30. Hey um as a man here I would love to meet more woman like you, 90% if woman are too shy to make the 1st move even after a while of being with them. Also a lot of men don’t cum multiple times like I do in one session. I tend to try and cum at least 2 times which can take time and if she is down, I’m ready for 2 more rounds lol but yes fine someone who enjoys sex as much as you do. Also to answer your question fuck no, I actually start to dislike woman who never initiate, makes me think they aren’t attracted to me or they don’t have enough confidence to start it up themselves once in a while. It’s not fun always having to make the 1st move.

  31. I like it when women initiate… I don’t think you should feel upset when a man rebuffs your advances, he might just not be in the mood or tired… men are constantly turned down, you just learn not to take it personally!

    I’ve turned woken down before, didn’t mean I didn’t like them, it just meant I had something on my mind or wasn’t feeling it. I still thought they were hot.

  32. Sounds like you’ve just not matched with the right person yet tbh. I wouldn’t say guys want a girl who won’t initiate and that the guy should do the work in that regard as some of us like to have the initiation be an equal thing or have her do it instead (mainly so we don’t feel like we’re forcing it upon the other person as you kinda feel here).

    The problem with only one party initiating all the time is that the initiator doesn’t have a clear indication of whether they’re going to get a yes or no until they try and as a result they can either feel like they’re not good/attractive enough or they’re the main reason the sex life hasn’t died yet

  34. I’d much prefer my partner initiate and have me being the one to say “sorry but not right now babe”, than to have a partner who never initiates leading to making me feel unwanted. Sounds like you just had some bad luck with those two is all.

  35. Sorry for the bad luck! I would KILL to have my GF initiate sex and I love when women do, lets me know they actually want to lol! I have a high drive and would love to do it every day as well, when better than when my partner is ready to go lol!?

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