TLDR when my husband yells at me in arguments I yell back and now we just yell all the time and hurt each other’s feelings
My husband (m41) of 16 years and I (nb38) have been through a lot in the last couple of years with a miscarriage, infertility issues, family deaths, and life during Covid. At some point in the last year or so I got sick of being yelled at during our arguments while I worked my damndest to keep my voice regulated and calm. It’s been happening for years and years. I have tried over and over to point out that he is yelling to no avail and I’m tired of being disrespected. So I started matching his energy-he raises his voice to me, I raise mine. He escalates, I escalate.
As could probably have been predicted this just ends in shouting matches over issues that aren’t that big a deal and hurt feelings all around.
I feel stuck because I’m not going back to being disrespected any time there’s a disagreement. But I hate these fights.
My husband is a good man, he just learned some toxic behaviors growing up, as did I, and we are having to unlearn them as adults.
We’ve done couples therapy before and it was good the first time, the second time was awful and we quit after 3 sessions–but maybe it’s time to look into that again.
31 comments
What if you just remove yourself entirely when he crosses the line in an argument? Say something like “I cannot let you speak to me in this disrespectful way.” And leave. No explosion, no yelling, just leave the house for a few hours. Or shut yourself in a room. But get physical space to break the cycle.
Yeah I think you have the answer in the last paragraph. He needs to find a way to get some control over his mood.
You are playing fire with fire. Nothing more. You both need to put adult pants amd deal this with Communication. If he can’t listen, don’t yell at argument instead let him know that he is being disrespectful and leave. Take space and then talk after you both are calm.
Yes, therapy again but perhaps just for you this time? Because a man who yells at you and then is upset that you leave because he’s yelling at you is someone who is being emotionally abusive to you.
You aren’t by any chance Italian are you?……… Ok, bad joke.
The thing is that what you describe is actually pretty common and pretty much for the reasons you give.
Remember the old adage…..
“when yer raised up like a hammer, everyone looks like a nail”?
I would bet money thats what you are dealing with.
Your Husband has a behavior that has served him and sees no real reason to change. In fact, by your own report, you have actually adopted his behavior rather than fight it. Unfortunately, you also discovered the down-side. It has heavily energy requirements,
and…..maybe something you had not thought of.
When people talk about intimacy they usually pair it with attraction and sexuality. However, there is also the kind of intimacy surrounding self-disclosure and allowing vulnerability. Yelling is an aggressive way of preventing discussions and negotiations from getting into more sensitive areas and keeping discussions simplistic…..sometimes overly so.
The typical couple who need to discuss something usually start with the overall and then get into the details. For what you are dealing with it is worthwhile to listen (in yer head)
to what your hubby is yelling about then negotiate a quiet time to talk abot THAT.
For example…. (IDK if you have kids)
Your daughter wants the car to use for a social event with her friends.
Hubby explodes about the matter citing her distractability if driving with friends in the car.
(What you intuition tells you is that Hubby has more concerns about who ELSE could be in the car.)
Set a quiet time to discuss the issue of Daughter getting old enough to socialize.
I also have a second suggestion but tell me what you think of this approach first.
You don’t fight fire with fire. Water is much more effective. Remain calm even when he starts yelling. If he yells, calmly tell him, “Honey, I’m not going to talk to you while you’re yelling.” If he continues yelling, say, “Let me know when you’re done yelling and we can talk,” then walk away. When someone yells at you and you continue to engage with them, you’re teaching them that it’s ok to yell at you, so they keep doing it. Disengage when he gets loud and angry.
My ex was like that, not yelling in arguments but the way he acted about it was really childish and just trying to provoke me and eventually, after holding on for some time during each of these arguments, I would go down to his levels of pettiness to see how he would like it. It always went back to my face because he was unable to see that I was copying him even when told so, calmly out of arguments, angrily during, etc. But he was always there to underline when I was doing what he was doing. So eventually, we broke up, cause I couldn’t deal with his attitude. He came back, two times, wanting to get back together, but I was so emotionally drained that I didn’t even care, I just felt pity for him ’cause in his texts, I could still see the same guy. He didn’t even try to pretend that he had changed / was going to.
And that’s the end of the line. The will to change. You have to try to make him understand that his yelling is not ok, calmly, out of arguments, and making him taste his own medicine, and eventually, if nothing works, it may be time to leave. And the simple fact to let him know his behavior is going to get you through the door and not coming back, may help him see what’s wrong. But it must be kinda late already if you say in another comment I saw that you wouldn’t be a lot at your apartment if you left everytime he screams. Not sure he cares about changing since his argument is that the one disrespectful is YOU for leaving while he is screaming.
The audacity you have to not let yourself be verbally bullied ! /s
Couples counseling only works if BOTH parties want the same outcome of the relationship.
What do you want from this relationship?
What does he want?
I think it’s best to talk about it when you guys are not fighting and set a ground rule that there will be no yelling.
I don’t know what you guys fight about so, that factors in some others things as well, like could these fights be prevented? Or?
Try your best to stay calm, look him in the eye and say “why do you think raising your voice and shouting at me, intimidating me is going to achieve anything?”
If he’s a good man like you said, it’ll snap him out of it
Hi, several years ago my relationship was moving in this direction…ok it was there. Finally, I decided to do a 180. I told her I would no longer engage in these arguments. If she wanted to discuss something we could. If she started yelling I would walk away. If she insulted or disrespected me I wouldn’t respond.
Worked great.
Even today she might get riled up by a dish in the sink or something and be disrespectful, I’ll just look at her with a blank expression until she walks away. Invariably (ok, maybe half the time) now she will apologize.
I get asked politely now to do a lot more things; which I am quick to act on.
Not sure if that will work the other way; ie female to male.
Good luck.
You could always use a spray bottle.
When he starts yelling, spray him in the face. While shouting “NO!” “BAD!”
Like he’s a stupid cat who can’t learn manners…
Ive tried this with my boyfriend when he yells at me or invalidates me. but ppl like them can’t see that you’re holding a mirror up. They don’t see that they’re getting a taste of their own medicine so it goes over their head and is a useless method. It just escalates and they see you as being even crazier. so I’ve just told my bf multiple times that his behavior makes me lose my feelings for him and is not behavior I see in a husband. I think it made him take it more seriously and attempt to change. You need to tell your husband that his behavior is making you lose feelings and explain how much it affects you and the marriage. If he cares about you, he’ll take you seriously. In the meantime, immediately remove yourself from the situation when he starts yelling. Just say “I can’t have this conversation with you when you’re being emotional and angry. I’ll give you some time to calm down and we can talk then”.
leave when he raises his voice at you. you need boundaries- even if he thinks it’s disrespectful. you guys have gone to couples therapy, but he needs to be doing his own work to unlearn his behaviors. he needs therapy; NOT the couple kind
As they say, two wrongs don’t make a right. When two people emotionally dysregulation, its usually going to be a great big disaster.
When my partner goes on a rant, I have to walk away, because I do get extremely angry and have worked to keep control and calm… however my partner doesn’t quite understand (even though she is a therapist). You need to look into continued therapy, you can’t change your learned behaviors after a few sessions, maybe even after a few months. Behavioral change takes years and sometimes a lifelong effort to watch over it.
I don’t blame you. Eff all that bigger person crap. If he can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it out. You aren’t a punching bag and if he wants to get in that ring he needs to know that you aren’t backing down. It is what it is.
What does your therapist suggest?
Escalation is just not safe and healthy.
You don’t have to tolerate being treated badly. When he starts up, you end the conversation and walk away. Tell him to let you know when he’s able to talk calmly and respectfully about the issue. You absolutely do not have to just sit and let him berate you, but matching abuse with abuse isn’t good for you or for the relationship.
Couples therapy would help. When my husband or I escalate, the other chooses to leave the room rather than match the energy and yell/swear back and we come back to discuss the issue once we’ve calmed down. It works for us bc it’s a visual way of letting the other know that they’ve crossed a line.
Good luck to you! Wish you the best.
One thing to know is: we shout when we feel like we aren’t being heard. Maybe try this: outside of arguments, try and talk about what’s going on in your relationships, the good and the bad. If it gets heated, promise each other you will break away and cool down until you’re ready to approach the subject with level heads. Another thing to remember is that it takes two to build a relationship and two to destroy it. Do your best to not blame your husband or rag on him for his shortcomings. Blessed be.~
why are you putting up with this
why are you engaging with such absurd, disrespectful behavior, much less using your energy to reciprocate
y′all are well into adulthood, act like it.
Fascinating.
I think we could agree that if your husband couldn’t use his legs properly and struggled with walking we would accept that he has a disability, right? Similarly if he had problems using his hands, and couldn’t pick stuff up or hold stuff, we would also agree that he has a disability.
So why is it any different when it comes to using one’s mind and regulating one’s emotions, feelings and thought patterns? So what? Should we agree here that your husband is intellectually disabled?
You see you write..
>My husband is a good man, he just learned some toxic behaviors growing up, as did I, and we are having to unlearn them as adults.
But see he’s 41 years old, you are 38 years old. What is the great difficulty here? If you haven’t learned how to regulate your emotions or feelings or thought processes by now, how much longer do you need to learn?
Are you seriously suggesting that you’re somehow both mentally incapable of doing things differently?
Think about it.
Just leave when he starts to raise his voice.
“I’ve talked to you multiple times about this. I tried to match your energy so you’d know how it felt and it just has us yelling in circles. I can’t do it anymore. If you can’t regulate yourself to where you don’t yell at me, then I’m not sticking around just to be yelled at. We can talk later when you’ve calmed down. I’ll be back in an hour” and just leave.
Give a time frame, no time frame when you just leave I learned in couples therapy can increase his anxiety levels in this situation and he won’t actually relax, you’ll just come home to his anxiety levels sky high instead because he was left in the dark. Don’t come back early either, come back when you say you’ll be back so he knows how long he has to be alone and processing.
Tell him he’s yelling at you when he starts to yell. Give him a chance to correct it. If he doesn’t correct it, leave. Every time.
“I’ll be back in an hour” “I’ll be back in 45 mins” “I’ll be back in 2 hours” etc. whatever time you think you need to regulate yourself too is how long you should leave for.
My husband screams, yell and call me disgusting names, but he is a good man. SMH 😏
That ladies and gentlemen is what we call a oxymoron.
Don’t tell, and don’t try to give your point. Wait for him to finish yelling, and leave him in a short, shameful silence where you just stare at him before executing your point. Usually the shameful silence makes them reflect and feel embarrassed.
Yeah. I did this. Not mature I know. I just got tired of trying to be calm while being yelled at. I started repeating back to him his own words and matched his tone and volume. He would get very pissed. He actually yelled at me to stop swearing and yelling, then went dead silent and red in the face when I pointed out that I was only repeating his own words and that if he didn’t like it then to change how he was speaking to me. I’ve done it 2 other times since and it has had a positive impact I feel, but those events are draining and disconcerting as I don’t argue like that. Hopefully I don’t feel the need to go that route again.
Couples counselling with the specific goal of learning some de-escalation techniques you and your husband can agree to practice when emotions are getting high.
I don’t know if this would actually help, as I have never been in a situation like this, but try recording him when he’s yelling and then play it back to him so he can physically see/hear how he is behaving.
Either way, this is not healthy. Neither of you should be yelling at each other when disagreements occur.
OP exiting a situation where someone leaving is not disrespectful – and the fact that your husband claims it is suggests this is a bit deeper than just ‘bad childhood habits.’
If the idea of leaving every time he screams means you’re never be at home anymore is surely a huge concern right now that this is abuse?
I find it best to walk away rather than yelling back, and wait until feelings have cooled down to continue the discussion calmly. No good comes of a yelling match, nobody is listening.
>he just learned some toxic behaviors growing up
This is not an excuse! He is 41 years old. He is not 20 and just having space from his family. He has not lived for his family for half his life!!!!
Do you think he is screaming when something at his job doesn’t go his way or when he has a disagreement with someone?
Christ on a pogo stick, this sounds exhausting.
Regardless of whether or not he’s a good man, he’s a bad partner. That much is undeniable. A good partner would not scream at you. They would not require you to stand there and take it, lest they be ‘disrespected’. They would care about respecting *you*.
This man does not. He doesn’t respect you one bit–and that right there is the death of the relationship. I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear it, nobody ever does. But it is the truth.
Every argument is a zero-sum game to him, and he makes all the rules and holds all the cards, and cons *you* into thinking that if you get it all *just right*, maybe you’ll win this time!
Spoiler alert: you will be able to count all of those times on one hand, and that is by design.
You don’t need to live like this. Regardless of what he was like before, this is the reality now and sounds like it has been for awhile. You deserve so much better.