**Background**
I met her in school 7 years ago, and we clicked instantly. We could speak about anything and everything for hours on end even though we just met, and she quickly became my best friend. Around 4 years ago I developed a crush on her, but forced myself to get over it as I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
**Current**
Well, around 2 weeks ago she told me that she loves me, that she wants to marry me one day and she wants to be together as a couple.
Only I’m not sure if I want to be with her anymore.
Over the past couple 3 years I’ve been working hard to get my life in check (I have ADHD and it made my life hell). I got on medication 2.5 years ago, + regular therapy and gym, which have improved my life drastically.
She however, has done the opposite. She was diagnosed with BPD around 2 years ago and has done nothing to get help. I’ve tried convincing her to go to her primary care physician to talk about medication and therapy, but she’s stopped acknowledging that she has BPD altogether. She’s impulsive, self destructive, has terrible self esteem and a chronic fear of abandonment.
She’s never been mean to me but it hurts to watch sometimes because I want to help her so bad. I can barely handle it sometimes, it makes me sad to see the way she talks about herself, how she uses alcohol/drugs to make herself feel better when she’s depressed, and how she believes I’m definitely going to leave her one day.
On the flip side she’s so sweet and caring to the people she cares about. She once got me a bunch of roses(?), (I’ve given flowers to ex girlfriends before but I’m a dude so never happened the other way) and it was so sweet. We match so well, we both want to live in the same city in the future, both love dogs, have similar hobbies and passtimes, and I’ve never met someone that gets me like she does. She’ll be there for you in a heart beat, and I’m so glad to have her as a best friend.
So, do I get with her and hope she gets help for her mental health? Or do I turn her down and risk losing a friendship that means so much to me.
**Tl;dr**
She’s my best friend and we work so well together, but she refuses to get help for her BPD. Do I get with her and hope she gets help or turn her down and risk losing the most important person to me?
8 comments
Save yourself the anguish and politely pass. An LDR with a person who has BPD is a recipe for disaster, guaranteed. Date local. It’s just as easy to fall in love with a stable person down the street, give that a try.
Nope.
You have no guarantees here, there is no reason for you to try and hang on to this.
don’t stick you dick in crazy. gently let her down.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
She’s so sweet. Got you roses. Bipolar kicks in. Now you’re hiding under the dining room table.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
I lived with someone with BPD for 5 years as roommates and even that was extremely difficult on my own mental health (and she was in treatment for much of that time). I watched her cycle through a lot of volatile relationships and impulsive behaviour. It was really difficult to be a support system for her as a young person with very limited knowledge on how to support someone with such a serious diagnosis, despite my best efforts to educate myself and be supportive.
The experience impacted me intensely and it’s something I’ve talked about a lot in therapy in the years since. I don’t want to demonize BPD because it is a stigmatized illness and so much worse for the person living with it than those around them, but in my experience it is incredibly hard to maintain a healthy interpersonal relationship especially when they aren’t seeking treatment. My ex roommate has improved a lot through years of therapy and BPD specific treatment and I’m so happy to see her thriving now, but since we moved out of our shared apartment I had to kind of remove her from my day to day life as I was dealing with a lot of my own personal stuff and just didn’t have the capacity to be her support system anymore. Especially after years of our relationship feeling one sided (I was her main support system, she did not have the capacity to be at all interested in my personal life outside of her or any issues I may have been dealing with). She could also turn on me very quickly and I couldn’t stand being yelled at or iced out anymore.
There’s always a risk of a relationship ruining a friendship but I feel like the chances of it getting volatile are more likely when she is dealing with an illness that specifically targets your interpersonal relationships, fear of abandonment and emotional regulation. I would not recommend it, especially when you’re so young and dealing with the possibility of your own issues re-emerging.
I would pass on this. People with BPD can do much better with DBT treatment. But if she’s not willing, I would not get involved
Do NOT EVER date someone who doesn’t want to be treated for their mental/physical/emotional problems them WILL affect those around them.
If she got help, then you could talk about it again. But she better already be getting DBT treatment by then, not just promising to go.
not the bpd necessarily but the way shes refusing to talk about it and acknowledge it is a red flag. not loving the people demonizing bpd in the comments or calling her crazy, and it should be acknowledged that people with bpd, even without treatment, have full control over their actions even when they dont have control over their emotions. if youve see her split before and shes never acted violent, threatening, or emotionally or physically abusive towards anyone before, then its not fair to assume she would do so towards you if she split in the future just because of her condition. it sounds like youre close enough to her to make this call.
however again, if shes refusing to even acknowledge its an issue, red flag on how she will deal with future relationship problems. i would try to bring it up one more time, and if she refuses treatment then it sounds like this relationship will not be very healthy for you. it might be that the label of borderline, stigmatized as it is, is causing her distress and to go into denial. it might be more helpful if you bring up specific behaviours she exhibits that are upsetting and suggest she gets therapy for those patterns of behaviour rather than the label. a good therapist will be able to help someone who self harms or hurts others without giving them a label