We’ve been together for five years and we recently moved country so she could do her post grad. This guy is someone on her course. I’ve known that they have become pretty good friends but I’ve always trusted her so it’s been fine. Two other people on her course are also a couple and I’ve become quite friendly with them because the four of us hang out as couples. The guy in the couple is also apparently close enough with the guy in question and he told him that my girlfriend finally agreed to go out with him and that he’s going to shag her. He had no other real details as he said he didn’t want to know and didn’t want to be involved but I’m not sure if I believe him. I get the impression that he didn’t want to be talking to me about this but he probably told his girlfriend and she was making him tell me something at least. He admitted that he was told this over a week ago so I’m terrified that if this is true it might have already happened. My girlfriend never mentioned hanging out with anybody but I’m working full time during the week and she’s not in college every day so it could have happened and Id never know.
I don’t really have any other friends here so I don’t know who to talk to. The advice I’m looking for is what is the best way to approach this? I don’t want to accuse my girlfriend of anything as this could all be bullshit or a misunderstanding and just because this guy has said he’s going to shag her doesn’t mean he gets too. The only thing is if she agreed to hang out with him and it’s innocent on her part she would have told me. I’m not sure what to do? I asked the female friend if she would be open to talking to her and seeing if she tells her anything and she said she would but Id be putting her in a shit position and thats not fair. She’s already stuck her neck out for me by telling me this. I’d be grateful for any advice? Thanks.
TLDR: I’ve been told that my girlfriend has agreed to go out with her guy friend and that they’re going to sleep together.
28 comments
Well only one thing to do, do a preemptive strike, ask her straight up if that is true. Tackle this head on, no soft way to approach this.
You 100% need to talk with her about this. Sit her down and explain to her what you’ve explained to us, that this guy spilled all this information to you and while you trust your gf — hearing that kinda shut would make anyone alittle sketched out– down accuse her or anything like that but just let her know what you’ve been told and that you want to clear things up so you feel better.
Tell her you’re fine with her hanging out with other people, but when you hear rumors of someone being romantically interested in your partner and that your partner has agreed to spend time with the person who is interested in them it makes you feel all queasy and unsure of yourself. If she cares about you she will understand where you’re coming from and hopefully she clears things up and these were all just rumors.
Man you going to have to come up with an exit plan . Don’t let her know you know anything . Then one day take off work while she is out and just disappear and cut contact with her . If the guy in question knows she’s taken and allegedly said he’s gonna get your girl to your mutual then she obviously is allowing it because I’m sure she can pick up signs like that …
Fuck em
If you trust your girlfriend, continue to trust her. Ask her about what that guy said to you, and accept whatever answer she gives you.
If she’s cheating, the truth will come out eventually. If she’s not, then there’s no problem and it’s up to her to deal with her friend if he’s being a horny POS and not treating her as a friend.
tell her what you’ve been told & propose that if she decides to see this person, now knowing his intentions, then you can not see a future with her.
Your girlfriend shouldn’t hang out with someone who has intentions of dating/sleeping with her.
& she shouldn’t agree to a date.
That is if the friends are telling the truth.
Then I would confront him about it.
One small argument with her about this,
is better than the other scenario.
Stand your ground.
I would ask your gf for her phone because you have heard some disturbing things. She will ask you “what things”. If she is guilty then she will use that to deflect and lie, so just tell her that you will explain after you are done. If she refuses to let you go through her phone, then explain to her that this is a make it or break it moment- if she refuses then you will end your relationship on the spot. Because if she refuses the first time, then there is something on her phone that she doesn’t want you to see. If she refuses after your ultimatum, then she is willing to protect her secret at the cost of your relationship. If there is nothing there, then you will have some explaining to do, but it sounds like she is the one who will have to do the explaining. My guess is, that when you lay down the law, she will break down and start crying, and maybe trickle truth you. Don’t fall for it. Demand the phone and find out for yourself. Of course she could be doing everything in person so there’s no phone record, or she could have this guy listed as another person in her contacts, maybe even a girl, so that anybody snooping but not looking too closely wouldn’t see anything amiss.
The other thing you could do is just let her carry on and quietly gather evidence. Voice recorders/hidden cams in the house, GPS tracker on her car, stuff like that. The thing is, if she is up to no good and you don’t have any evidence, then when you confront her she will just lie about it and turn it around to make you look like the bad guy.
Good luck and keep us posted!
You can go through her phone but I say tell her what the other couple told you and what the said said and you want to know what really happened and everything
Dude. I DMed you… I know a way of stopping this guy in his tracks.
If she didn’t tell you it’s because they fucked. Otherwise she would’ve told you they were planning. Sit her down and ask why you were told this and why she didn’t tell you
she should not have any kind of relationship with a man who wants to have sex with her. At 25 she is.smart.enough to know what his intentions are. stop sitting on your hands and take charge here. if she has agreed to a date, kick her out.
“Stuck her neck out for you” what. All they’ve done is give you a rumour. If you tell your gf about this and they deny that they said anything, it just makes you look crazy and insecure, like you’re accusing her without reason.
You need to talk to your gf about this. Tell her what was said, who said it, and that you need to know if they were telling the truth. First ask her if she’s hung out with this guy 1-on-1 in the past week. Once she answers, tell her what the friends told you, and that you are now completely not ok with this dude spending a lot of time with her. Even if she hasn’t cheated on you, it’s completely unreasonable to expect to continue the friendship as is, since these other friends have absolutely 0 reason to lie about this.
Honestly I would find out where they are supposed to go then meet them there. If they are hiding it then you don’t want to give them the opportunity to deny and reschedule for another time unless you are already certain you’re going to break up with her.
If it’s true she assumes you don’t know. Point blank ask and see how she replies. Unless she’s a super villain most people can’t control that initial reaction of getting caught.
Why would this other guy lie about something like that? Ask your gf _in person_ what’s going on, and yes, in cases like this you’re entitled to check her phone. Not every chat, but the conversations with this guy definitely. If she hands over the phone without hesitation you’re probably good. If she needs to do something with her phone before handing it over, tell her how that looks.
If she says he’s just a friend, ask how she wants to handle it. If she truly only thinks of this guy as a friend, you won’t have to ask her to go nc and block him everywhere. She’ll suggest it herself.
What’s your boundary on this? What’s the break point?
Buddy you better do something about it before it’s too late, just have a straight up conversation with her and let her know of the guys intentions. If she is either too naive to not see it or doesn’t believe you then you might have a problem.
So let’s try to break this down. You didn’t seem to be terribly worried until you heard a rumor. One that could either be a warning or could be bullshit all together. If it was bullshit why would someone tell you this? To make you seem paranoid.
So you have to split the middle ground. You need to tell your girlfriend exactly what you heard and how genuine it seemed. You need to have a long talk with her about their friendship. Ask her if she has ever thought he may have these intentions. A proposed solution may be to ask her to sit right in front of you and message him about it. Not to tell him what you heard but for her to agree to see if he would hook up with her. Tell your girl to flat out hit on him and see what he does. If he takes the bait she 100% has to cut all ties. If he doesn’t then maybe this was a lie or he was just running his mouth to a buddy with some lies. Either way you should get a real view of what he would or wouldn’t do. If your girl won’t do this and gets defensive you may as well break up. You have more than enough reasonable evidence to not be ok with their friendship. If she disagrees she is or would cheat on you.
Updateme!
Why don’t u have her location on ur phone? She can have urs as well
This is what I read from the post:
“I financially supported a girl while she was in college.
She is now finishing college along with her (real) boyfriend.
She is now free to openly date her boyfriend and he told his buddy about it.
His buddy told his girlfriend and she forced him to tell me.
My brain is slowly piecing together the facts that I have been used as an ATM for years and I’m about to get dumped as she moves on with her life without me.”
Advice: ask her about it politely and prepare to be single at the end of the conversation.
NEVER pay a girl’s bills unless she’s your wife!
Confront and leave.
I’m sorry op.
Talk to her. It may not be that she knows and he may intend to do it (the shagging) without her permission. If he did get a date from her, he had to persuade her from the sound of it (gf finally agreed sounds like he had to beg/persuade) he for sure doesn’t sound like someone that needs to be her friend.
Nice guys finish last.
Confront both in a calm assertive manner.
Ask her if she still considers you two to be exclusive. If she says yes, say “then why am I hearing you’ve agreed to go on a date with a man who is telling people he plans on sleeping with you?”
She may say she hasn’t nor would she sleep with another man but turn it around and tell her that dating another man is cheating because as you just agreed, we are exclusive.
Tell her if she wants to date other men, then your relationship is no longer exclusive and probably over.
Hey, I was told this by A. I don’t want you hanging out with B, until we find out if it is true. Has B been flirty towards you or mentioned anything that can be taken as an attempt to seduce or pursue you?
Don’t accuse her. Don’t blame her. Just talk to her, guys plot shady things sometimes. She may be preyed upon by him without her knowledge.
Protect her, and your relationship. Talk to your sour e again. Verify it. Then put B in check. Extract him from the life of both you and your girlfriend.
Definitely need to have a conversation. Hope it goes well!
Ask her about it and don’t accuse her of anything. Just say something like “hey so and so said that X guy thinks he’s going to have sex with you” and see what she has to say. She might actually be planning to go on a date with him or he might be interpreting some normal professional school thing as a date. I have met some guys in grad school who didn’t do much dating in undergrad and believe they’re on a date every time they talk to a girl from school outside of class.
You don’t need to feel weird about bringing this up. If she/this relationship is worth a damn she won’t entertain other guys behind your back.
Just tell her that you’re being up front because that’s what you’d want her to do if the roles were reversed. If she didn’t do anything shady it should be an easy conversation.
If she gets defensive or tries to flip it on you, cut your losses and run.