I (F24) have ended up in a wild dilemma. So one of my friends, let’s just say her name is Lauren, set me up on a blind date last night.
She literally KNOWS my requirements.
– must be over 5 ft 11
– must have a stable job
– must have ambition
– must not have me as a “side chick”
But one of my other requirements is that I only date white men. No, I’m not a racist but that’s just my preferences.
So anyways, I arrive at the restaurant (it was more of a bar than a restaurant) and I was shocked to see my blind date was a black guy.
I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to make a confrontation, so I just said I was gonna go to the bathroom and I never came back.
I immediately called my friend and asked her what her problem was, that she knows my requirements for a man. And she started saying how he’s a good guy and that I should give him a chance.
I literally have known her for years and she knows that I only date white guys. That’s my preference.
But now she’s so angry at me and won’t talk to me anymore.
Am I really in the wrong here? Sure, maybe i could’ve left more politely, but I don’t want to lead a man on if I’m not into him. What’s the point of having a date if all it’s gonna do is get some guys hopes up?
39 comments
Yeah, you’re a racist, boo.
Yeah that’s a terrible thing. Also having a height requirement adds to the shallowness of this. Makes it seem more racist. I don’t like a lot of black women that I’ve ran into but I’ve still found black women that I’ve enjoyed dating. Not gonna give advice since your friend was doing you a favor and you rejected two people doing you a favor.
Aside from the race bit,( because im not touching that with a 10foot pole) , you have 3 standards that are too much. Kinda seems like you’re in the wromg for just abandoning him at dinner. It would have been decent just to say the dates not going well, or you can fib and say sorry you had other plans tonight or have to go somewhere and leave. This isnt a tv drama. That’s a disgusting thing to do.
Think of it from his perspective, he had no clue what your thinking, you went to the bathroom, and god knows how long he waited….
Your friend was looking out for you, asked you to give him a chance and you literally ran away. It makes sense why your friends angry.
The right thing to do would be to contact the guy, apologize and apologize to your friend too.
You left him there to wait who knows how long till he figured it out?!? This has been done to me and it sucks. Should have at least had the balls to just say you had to go
This is a touchy subject.. you are right to have your own preferences and your friend would be right to be upset.. I would have just said I don’t think he’s attractive or didn’t feel a connection not just because of his race
That’s so mean to just leave him sitting there. No wonder your friend won’t talk to you. It must be so awkward for her to try to explain to him what happened. You could’ve just said you weren’t feeling a connection and then left early. Poor guy just sat there waiting, probably feels bad about himself and thinks he’s unattractive or something now.
It may be a preference yeah, but I see where she’s coming from. Idk how the date went, but given that you keep talking requirements it sounds like it didn’t go well. It’s like referring a job to a friend of yours, and that friend makes you look like shit by being a shit employee.
She probably found a guy that was decent for you and you made her look like an ass for setting him up with you after she undoubtedly talked you up to him to get you into the idea.
Even if you insist you aren’t racist 🙄 you’re still an asshole for just straight up u-turning on the guy. He’s probably stuck there feeling like an idiot cause he scared some girl away and has no clue for what reason. Your friend not talking to you is the least you deserve. Absolutely childish!
If this is real and not some stupid race-bait post then yeah I can understand why she’s upset. You have your “preference”, and if your friend knows that then she should probably respect that but standing the guy up like that was scummy and made her look bad. I would’ve told the guy you’re not feeling it and left politely especially since he wasn’t technically the problem, his skin colour was for you.
Also sorry not sorry but people who are only attracted to one single race and exclude all other races are weird, like, I’d never walk into a date and see someone of another race and immediately rule them out because of that. It’s so odd.
You’re awful… and just rude frankly.
Having preferences is one thing, but a preference is not ENTIRELY EXCLUDING people that don’t fit your preference. I don’t prefer blondes, but that doesn’t mean I 100% exclude them entirely–especially if a friend set me up with someone they think I’d be compatible with.
You are in the wrong here.
Not for any of the requirements. you are attracted to who you are attracted to. Instead, you are in the wrong for how you dealt with the situation. Your friend probably shouldn’t have set you up on that date but leaving just because he didn’t meet your requirements is shallow and shows a lack of respect towards your friend. This isn’t a random person this is a friend of a friend. By acting this way you are causing problems for your friends. You could have went on the date worst case it doesn’t go well (same as any other date) best case he surprises you and you end up liking him because attraction while initially is only skin deep grows deeper as you get to know someone. Realistic case you may make a new friend maybe not but everyone recognizes that they are all ppl too not just possible partners.
I also must say that, while I do believe you are entitled without being racist to prefer one race to date in (especially since outside of the skin color there are other physical traits that are different based on someone’s ethnicity), having it be a requirement that you will not even consider dating someone of a different race is close minded at best and racist at worst. The key difference is on one hand you could usually find only while men attractive but are open to the possibility that you may find a non white guy attractive and on the other hand you are writing off all other races.
If it’s not an attraction thing then I would be hard pressed to see it any other way tbh. I’d have to hear the logic before I completely write you off but it’s hard for me to think of a reason to write off an entire race let alone all other races for anything other than being attracted to them
It’s okay to have a preference, but leaving without informing is rude (it also might be racist, because you panicked seeing a black guy).
At least for your friend’s sake, you could have stayed and had a conversation with the guy. Later, leave and say that you are not interested in a second date if he asked.
OP is not racist for not wanting to date outside her race. But OP displayed poor tact with a dip and dash.
What you did was harsh. If I turned up and I didn’t find him to my liking, I would have still had a drink and a chat with him. The courteous thing would be to call it a night after a couple of drinks. I would only make a quick exit if that person was rude and disrespectful. He didn’t deserve that.
You could’ve finished the date, made it short out of respect and told him it’s not going to work out.
Other than that you are not wrong, your friend is wrong you should be mad at her not the other way around. A friend should respect your boundaries and preferences.
FYI: I’m a black woman and I only date black men.
It’s okay for you to have preferences and requirements.
Damn, I feel bad for the guy and I wish this doesn’t affect his self esteem and he have good friends around. You won’t even bother having a drink with the guy then leaving? Boy am glad this isn’t the 60s
It’s no longer a “preference” when you’re automatically eliminating people based on race. That’s not what having a preference is
A preference is like: I prefer ice cream to frozen yogurt, but I’ll have frozen yogurt if I like the flavor enough.
If I say , I’ll never eat frozen yogurt regardless of flavor because it’s frozen yogurt, im being discriminatory to an entire class of something.
In other words, you are racist.
Had to dumb it down for you
Rude! You could have at least made an excuse to leave.
Yeah, you sound like a horrible person. We all have preferences, but to say you won’t date him because he’s black is 100 percent racist. And anytime you say “I’m not racists, but…” then you need to stop talking because you’re racist. Sounds like the dude dodged a bullet on this one
Just be open and communicate that’s the problem with this generation ! Could have still enjoyed yourself, everything is not perfect
I cannot get over how rude you were. You treated him like dirt. All you had to do is tell him the truth and blame it on your friend. You could have told him that for purely attraction (not racist) reasons, you only date white men, that your mutual friend knows that, and you will be having a talk with her, and apologize profusely to him. Maybe even have a conversation for the time you’re there, just like you might do on a date where you just aren’t feeling a spark. Going to the bathroom and disappearing is rude no matter what.
why do you have specific requirements?
Sitting on the same table and chatting for an hour doesn’t mean you have to marry him. Sure, you weren’t attracted to him physically on first sight, but you could have given him a chance as a new acquaintance. Perhaps could have made a new friend out of it?
Ditching someone like that shows a complete lack of respect on a human level, it’s rejection of someone as a person, not just as a potential partner. It also shows a lack of manners, lack of spine and immaturity. You can work on those things and improve, but in the meanwhile I can see why your friend is pissed off.
Yes, you’re a racist. I’m not surprised your friend won’t talk to you. Genuine piece of shit.
EDIT: Nvm this is obvious bait. Get out your parents basement weirdo
Writing someone off immediately because of how they look isn’t preference, it’s discrimination.
If your work place wrote you off because you were female before they’ve assessed you in any capacity because they “prefer” to hire men that would be considered discrimination. The whole point of dating is going in with an open mind. And to leave him there? Trash.
You are not rude for having preferences, is like dating only slim girls and ignoring the fat ones. But, you could said at least to that guy, that he is not your type and leave.
I’m going to say your friend is also in the wrong for knowing your racial hangups and putting her black friend in that situation. It is not ok to set up your POC friends for potential microaggressions under the guise of “just give it a try”!
You’re messed up. I hope someone does this to you so you know how it feels. Even has requirements, lmaooo like what are you buying a car?
“Not im not a racist but i only date white men” …uhh why
Yes, you are racist.
Well if it quacks like a duck…
This is a day old account and this is the only post on said account, this is definitely a troll.
Doesn’t matter man, white or black blue or purple. It’s all a preference and that’s not what matters. I won’t date anyone who is black either just like I won’t date someone who is taller than me or weighs more than me. You don’t just ditch someone because that’s just a dick move. That’s why your friend won’t talk to you
You deserve to be single
Ehh.. this is going to be an unpopular opinion but I’ve always found strong attraction to one race a bit odd. Especially if you’re not of that race by birth or culture.
For starters, race is largely a made up concept.
Beyond that, what does it even mean to be attracted to one race?
“Asian”, even “black”, “white” or “latin”, spans dozens of countries, cultures, ethnicities, languages, styles and more.
We can say people of a region share similar features, sure, but even then, those features can often be found in other races as well. So is it the features or the race that we “prefer”?
And even within those groups you’re more likely to find that people and features vary wildly from one person to the next, even with similarities.
Even within culture. A black person from NYC is not the same as a black person from rural Nebraska. So what do we mean?
If we can’t say everyone in a specific race group looks the same, shares the same culture or even behaves the same.. what then are we attracted or not attracted to when we call out an ENTIRE race?
More often than not. (And this is the extremely unpopular part.) Those attractions are driven by pre-existing societal stereotypes and perceptions surrounding that race. (Ie… the source could be racism. So while you may not be racist you can definitely still play into it)
They may also be driven by a desire to consume and be of a culture that is different from your own or lack thereof.
Let me add, thinking critically and self assessing what you’re attracted to and why is smart. People often disagree with this because they don’t want to feel bad about what they like, they dont want to feel like they are being accused of something or they want to like what they like with zero thought.
To end, you’re not racist for having a “preference”. You are racist for believing it was okay to treat him like that because you didn’t “prefer” his race.
And if your friend set you up knowing who you are. And it was some kind of joke… you’re both kinda sort of racist as.sholes.
Last thing. “Preference” is taking “B” over “A” but not explicitly being against “A”. Being explicitly against “A” no matter what, is prejudice.
You’re not wrong for having a type but just leaving him there was rude. You should have just said you weren’t interested so you didn’t waste his time.
You left a guy waiting at a restaurant for who knows how long wasting his time, feeling rejected and embarrassed and having done nothing wrong. You should have at least told him you weren’t interested and were leaving. This was mean and cowardly on your part.
You’re allowed to have whatever preferences you want, but what you should have done is stick it out for 15-20 minutes out of politeness to your friend, your friend now looks like a schmuck to the guy she arranged for you. If this happens again just say there was no chemistry and leave.
Her height requirement is a far worse indictment of her character than her racism.