I had a busy week with lots of talking to people: a 3 day team building course (supposed to improve confidence but I don’t feel any different) with 5 other people my age, night out drinking with 4 colleagues, and a couple of conversations today with a charity I volunteer for. I feel like I get pushed to the side, like for the course the others kept going off together (they tried to include me at some points but they just clearly got on better with each other than with me). same with the second group. and with the charity, it was meant to be a catch up but the person I spoke with talked more about herself. I know that I need to look engaged so I adjust my body language accordingly, I know to respond “oh yeah” and other phrases to show I’m listening, or responding with short sentences.
people seem eager for me to talk, to take the focus off themself bc they eventually feel bad for foing the most talking, but when i do they immediately lose interest, and i don’t even get a chance to elaborate on what I’m trying to say bc theyve already mentally moved on and take over again. so I ask questions, but apparently I’m excellent at finding the worst topics, as innocent as “how’s the family” and they start venting and their mood gets worse. I don’t really talk to people regularly though I’m trying to get better. I’ve been to toastmasters for several months, also an anxiety group, and those didn’t help, I am really at a loss here. someone said I’m chatty but I know I’m so quiet and have to force every word that comes out my mouth, panicking the rest of the time about what to say.
1 comment
Two Tips:
1) When you start talking, make sure you key off a thread from their last story.
If they say, “I went skiing last month in Colorado with my cousins.” Use something from that to reciprocate. You have skiing/sports, anything fun you did last month, colorado/any other state you’ve visited, cousins/your family members that you enjoy.
If you respond with something about video games or a party from last night, then the other person can feel dismissed.
2) Try to ask questions that get at positive emotions or opinions.
Do you love your job is way better than what do you do.
Is your family doing anything interesting lately is better than how is your family.
Adding words to frame their brain towards positivity leads them into focusing on good things and everyone feels better.